I posted a few months ago about my dad and my gender (http://kkriesel.blogspot.com/2009/08/gender-related-to-my-dad.html): he raised me androgynously until I hit puberty, the masculinities I managed to learn from him, etc.
He's returned to emailing my half-sister. The two emails so far are pleasant, friendly rambles, the most recent of which he asks for the contact information of others - including me. He has my email address, but probably won't use it until this current attempt at manipulation fails.
October '08, he contacted my half-sister that he was dying and, after eight years of no contact, I emailed him that I would forgive him when he dies. I made it clear that I wrote this for MY OWN CLOSURE; he rampaged for a while until he realized that I wasn't going to reply anymore. After writing that email (and learning how to weld. Nothing works out anger like getting metal hot and hitting it with a hammer), I finally was able to reflect on our relationship from a healthy place.
When I came out as a lesbian to my mom, she claimed it was because I didn't have enough male role models. My dad replied to my closure-email, in which I came out as gay to him, that I'm confusing my sexuality with my gender. Well, they both had seeds of truth that neither of them could have foreseen. Now that I'm going through a gender transition, I wish that I had more male role models, particularly a father. The masculinities I learned from him were so valuable and, now that I'm an adult, there are more to learn but I'm cut off from them. I was so angry at him throughout high school and college that I honestly thought that I would never need a father figure. And now I do.
Learning about borderline personality disorder, though, has helped me to see that nothing he says/writes is real: it's all just to cover up his fear.
Showing posts with label borderline personality disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label borderline personality disorder. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Borderline Personality Disorder
The DSM-IV Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder:
1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self.
4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging.
5) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood
7) Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
I'm currently reading http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259603146&sr=8-1 and the behavior patterns of both of my parents are so much clearer now. An absent father with at least 5 of these symptoms and a dependent mother with all 9. Their internal struggle has been described very well in this book by people with BPD, paraphrase:
"Without my relationship with X, I don't exist. I must keep X with me at all times, but I can't allow X to know how afraid I am. I have to push away X so that X won't reject me. But I have to keep X in order to exist."
It is a terrible cycle of idolizing and devaluing X (usually someone very close to the person with BPD), needing to keep X as well as to push X away, and relying one's identity on X while hiding one's self from X.
What's scary is that I went through that cycle as a child, preteen and teenager. As I fought for independence and grew during my adolescence, the cycle began to break down. When I moved away to college, I actively chose to stop. My physical distance from the sources made me able to separate my identity from the cycle and, thus, break it. Sometimes I still find shreds and they are getting easier to stop. My parents, though, can't separate the cycle from themselves; they have no distance, so they can't break out of it. And because they can't connect their behavior to reality, they don't think that they need help.
Now that I have complete independence, I will no longer put up with angry outbursts and berating claims. I'm responsible for my health and happiness and nobody else's. I can care about others, but that doesn't mean that I'm to blame when they can't take care of themselves.
My dad and I haven't had contact in 9 years; because of the time that has passed, I can better appreciate the good times we had. I'm currently trying to figure out what to do with my mom. I don't think that it would be possible to make a complete cut like with my dad, but I'm now able to leave when she begins an episode. I know that it's healthy to avoid statements such as, "You are unable to love another human being," and not to expect similar reasoning from someone who is motivated by fear.
1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self.
4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging.
5) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood
7) Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
I'm currently reading http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259603146&sr=8-1 and the behavior patterns of both of my parents are so much clearer now. An absent father with at least 5 of these symptoms and a dependent mother with all 9. Their internal struggle has been described very well in this book by people with BPD, paraphrase:
"Without my relationship with X, I don't exist. I must keep X with me at all times, but I can't allow X to know how afraid I am. I have to push away X so that X won't reject me. But I have to keep X in order to exist."
It is a terrible cycle of idolizing and devaluing X (usually someone very close to the person with BPD), needing to keep X as well as to push X away, and relying one's identity on X while hiding one's self from X.
What's scary is that I went through that cycle as a child, preteen and teenager. As I fought for independence and grew during my adolescence, the cycle began to break down. When I moved away to college, I actively chose to stop. My physical distance from the sources made me able to separate my identity from the cycle and, thus, break it. Sometimes I still find shreds and they are getting easier to stop. My parents, though, can't separate the cycle from themselves; they have no distance, so they can't break out of it. And because they can't connect their behavior to reality, they don't think that they need help.
Now that I have complete independence, I will no longer put up with angry outbursts and berating claims. I'm responsible for my health and happiness and nobody else's. I can care about others, but that doesn't mean that I'm to blame when they can't take care of themselves.
My dad and I haven't had contact in 9 years; because of the time that has passed, I can better appreciate the good times we had. I'm currently trying to figure out what to do with my mom. I don't think that it would be possible to make a complete cut like with my dad, but I'm now able to leave when she begins an episode. I know that it's healthy to avoid statements such as, "You are unable to love another human being," and not to expect similar reasoning from someone who is motivated by fear.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
