Enthusiastic Consent, Poly and Mono

There is this idea that, by "putting out" for multiple people, consent means less. As though spreading it thins it.

Another way of looking at it is that sticking to one person can become an obligation, a chore. Enthusiastic consent can lose its enthusiasm in stagnancy. Enjoying different partners allows one to value each more.

Neither point of view is generally right or wrong, just different for different people. Giving enthusiastic consent to one person can strengthen it for some people, sharing it with different partners empowers it for others.

Enthusiastic consent is not a dwindling resource. Whether given to one or to many, frequent giving makes it more joyous. The enthusiasm makes one an active partner, fully aware of what's being shared.

Go on a Diet!

I've written before that normal people understand multiple partners in the context of cheating, but not so much in polyamory. The idea of monogamy, lived successfully or not, is a comfort zone for most people. Open honesty among multiple sexual partners, though, baffles the normals.

Living poly has opened up my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. A year ago, I was in an unhappy monogamous relationship and I wasn't doing anything. The only people I was meeting were my girlfriend's friends. And bedroom activities had fizzled.
And now I'm meeting new people all the time, I have projects going on, learning new things, queereducating people, and having so much fun! And...expanding my experiences.

Most of the normal people I know (monogamous, straight, etc.) behold my life as a soap opera minus all the drama. My worklife hasn't suffered from my social life aside from being really worn-out and sleepy some days. And yet some of these normals tell me to go on a diet - and not a diet from food! This is just too much for a lot of people, apparently I need to rein in the awesome insanity of my life.

This is probably not, for the most part, jealousy. One person actually is jealous and it's no secret. But otherwise, there's no reason for me to decrease anything I'm doing so long as it's safe and everyone involved is happy. Aside from finding the time, there's no struggle in my poly life nor in discussions with normal people. It's just facepalm-worthy sometimes.

Things I've Learned

- As an increasingly masculine person, I'm primarily attracted to masculine people. People who balance masculinity, not macho people. Because I must relate to a person I'm gonna date and I tend to relate more to masculine people, I date masculine people. There are a handful of feminine people to whom I'm physically attracted, but that's about it. Believe me, I respect femmes and I'm ecstatic that they're around, just not my cup of tea.
subnote: in industrial/blue collar environments,the people to whom I'm attracted are usually butch lesbians. Butches and industry go hand-in-hand, meanwhile most of the straight men there are macho. This is one of the things I miss most about Wisconsin! Chicago has been commercial for decades so the very qualities to which I'm attracted in butch lesbians occur more often in straight guys here. People look at the F on my driver's license and assume that I'm straight in Chicago but a lesbian in Wisconsin. They don't see my masculinity interacting with the masculinities of people in different cultures.

- I would love to learn more about BDSM but have yet to find a free, SAFE environment in which to do so. Recently, there was an offer for a private play party...but my discomfort outweighed my curiosity. I didn't know the people involved well enough and this would have taken place somewhere I don't know. Call me a wuss, but my safety can't be compromised. With regards to that intimacy, I'd rather be a safe wuss than brave with regrets.

- Because I'm non-monogamous, a lot of people assume that my two lovers and other dates are all needed to fulfill some voracious appetite. That is nice, yes, but that's not the motivation. If I meet someone great and we start dating/sexing/loving/etc. and then I meet another great person, I shouldn't have to choose between them. Why not both? And then people are extra-baffled that everyone involved knows about each other, but I've already written about that.

- Combining masculinity with safety, being upfront is great! Though it may be nerve-wracking and you're taking a huge risk, it's usually best to just come out and say "hey I like you, whaddaya say?" Chances are that person didn't even know! It sucks to get turned down, yes, but at least there's closure.

Thoughts on Sex Drive and Mono/Polyamory

I was thinking about the stereotype of gay men who have open relationships. It's a stereotype because it's usually true. There's this idea that men have a higher sex drive and a lower value on codependence, so two men together would mess around with others. This is usually the case in reality.
But what does that mean about straight men? That they're somehow supposed to rein it in because women supposedly have a lower sex drive and a higher value on codependence? That sounds like a bum deal to me.

A lot of women don't have a lower sex drive until they're on The Pill. Granted, The Pill doesn't have the same effect on all women; but you can't deny the fact that a lot of women take it IN ORDER TO lower their libido (alright you can deny this if you didn't know already). They wouldn't do that if they didn't have a high libido, right?

Now that I've been living it up poly and seen how normal people - and some abnormal people! - can't wrap their minds around this lifestyle and I've been studying human sexuality and heard so many women bitching about their boyfriends wanting sex more than them (because they were on The Pill IN ORDER TO want less sex), I've got this idea that women are socially pressured to idealize monogamy more than men. Not a conspiracy, just that it's a cultural standard that most people don't usually question. Here are all these women who fight their own bodies in order to maintain monogamy. Economic property and jealousy are really the only things that keep us valuing monogamy, there's nothing biological to drive us to monogamy. And all these people think that I'm insane to have two lovers who know about each other, and that I keep dating others.

What really shocks people is that both of my lovers know that each other exists, that they know that I go on dates with other people as well, and that my lovers are free to date others too. The open honesty is what shocks people. We all agree that it would be cheating to keep a new sexual partner secret; open honesty makes safe sex safer. But people are shocked and confused that everybody involved knows about everybody else.
What these confused people don't realize is this: if I kept my lovers secret, people wouldn't be confused. Whether or not they approve, cheating makes sense to people. Cheating implies a value on monogamy, at least the appearance of it. My libido would be absolved (until someone recommends The Pill to lower it...) through the facade of monogamy.

I wonder how people would act were I a man, though.