System Racism and Domestic Abuse

As I've been trying to figure out systemic racism in the United States, I've begun to notice commonalities with domestic abuse. Both involve one party attaining power by taking power away from the other party, the grooming of both the prey and of peers in order to attain power more smoothly, the destruction of the prey's identity and resources and relationships, and putting the onus of reconciliation on the prey rather than on the predator. Although I've been working on this idea for months now, I haven't been certain enough of the parallels to put words to it.

What I've been hearing more and more often since the presidential election, particularly from people of color, particularly from Black people, is that the silver lining is how undeniable both overt and systemic racism have become. Racism in the United States is much more blatant now. At first I couldn't see how this development could possibly be good or helpful, but I shut my mouth and opened my ears. So many voices that know a lot more than I do have been saying this, there must be something to it.

It finally clicked for me when I realized the statement "at least X doesn't hit you" is no different from "racism ended with the civil rights movement." The most inconspicuous domestic abuse is the most effective domestic abuse - most people just don't know how to help or even believe someone who doesn't have bruises. In the same vein, the most inconspicuous racism (notice that it's most inconspicuous to the people who benefit most from it) has been the most pervasive racism. How often has it been argued "I can't be racist, I have a black friend" as though the perceived tolerance of one person excuses one's behavior? Fr. Bryan Massingale has spoken about the misconception of racism as an overt, clearly stated declaration. This misconception is both a product of and a contributing factor towards the systemic racism upon which the United States has been built.
In the same vein, domestic abuse that is not physically violent is rarely taken seriously in one's community. It's often brushed aside as a misunderstanding, all in the prey's head, or told "they don't really mean it." Spouses and children are usually told to try to please the person, usually someone in a position of authority, in order to mend the bond. This only draws more power to the abuser, who continues to benefit from the abuse. Prey who are unfamiliar with domestic abuse usually don't have words to describe what's happening to them, and can't/won't call it "abuse" simply because it isn't physical. Often only after the prey shows visible signs of physical abuse do schools, CPS, police, communities intercede - this is due partly to low resources, and partly to the easy deniability of abuse that is not physical.

Months ago, I thought I was going crazy for thinking that systemic racism is essentially domestic abuse on a large scale. Now I wonder if these macrocosms and microcosms are symptoms of a larger human problem?

The Most Important Story of My Life Thusfar

Girl Scouts

I've been looking for a place to volunteer the past few months to no avail. Either there's a fee, too demanding hours or nobody gets back to me.   An acquaintance just now thought he was sending me a link to the Girl Scouts cookie finder, but it was actually to their volunteer application. Hmmm....

I was a Brownie & then a Girl Scout until I was 13. My troop leader strangled me & had me kneel on broken glass. Whenever my troop went camping, we cleaned up other troops' cabins ("only boys use tents") because it was practice for housewifery. Until I read Manifesta & a Bitch Magazine article in '06, I thought that's just what Girl Scouts was. I talked with Jennifer Baumgardner & Amy Richards (authors of Manifesta) about how my experience didn't match up with their or Bitch's descriptions; they urged me to alert Girl Scouts Of America of those abuses. GSA was shocked & sent me a formal apology. Because my troop leader had retired, nothing more could be done unless I chose to press charges. That troop leader was Mary Lappe in Chicago.

Maybe volunteering for Girl Scouts of America would be a good move for me, what better way to ensure that the same horrors I endured don't repeat? I interned with Project Girl, a very similar organization, & loved it - not to mention all the LGBT youth work I'veve done. I dunno if I could be a troop leader, but they have opportunities for monthly volunteering.

I'd have to talk with a representative before investigating further, make my experience & concerns known. After what happened to me, all I really know about GSA is what I leaned from that book & that magazine (which I still have!) as well as tumblr's occasional posts cycling around.

Abuse Survival, Moving On?

Starting about mid-high school, deviating from the abusive situation I was in was the main motive for most of my actions, behaviors, beliefs, etc.  It was only because of my supportive, welcoming, wonderful high school (yes, you read that right) that I was able to realize what was going on in my life was both wrong and destructive.  At times I just full-on rebelled against the abuse, in my small and goody-2-shoes way, but otherwise I knew that escape - both mental and physical - was healthier and safer.  

Only with adulthood can I fully understand the extent of the danger I was in; for the past 10 years I wished that I had acted out more (participated scholastic bowl & stage crew, taken AP classes.  What a rebel).  But simply saying "I wish we went somewhere fun on spring break rather than cleaning at home 14 hours a day" nearly got me pulled out of school altogether, so taking those forbidden academic opportunities would have reaped unknown horrors.  It's a little sad that this small fantasy of acting out in school had to be quashed by the reality that could really only be understood with maturity.

Due to time, distance and counseling, I'm getting to the point where the experience of abuse is no longer a factor in my decision-making.  Because of the choices I have made that have brought me to this healthy place, I don't need to escape as much anymore.  I don't want my life to continue to be defined by abuse, I'm ready to move on...though that's a scarier idea than I could've imagined.  Without well-honed vigilance, how can I ensure that I don't walk right back into that?  I speak and write so much about abuse partly to keep track of my healing and partly because so many survivors appreciate it, could I continue speaking out for others after shedding these vestiges?  Occasional triggers and nightmares continue, there are still some bad days - maybe choosing to move on would decrease the frequency of these.   

I still don't know if it would be a good idea to make the names and transgressions of abusers known to the internet - it's very tempting, not for vengeance but to warn the schools with whom those terrible people still work.  There's also the fear that what happened the last time I named crimes will repeat: nobody will care.

Working at a Sex Shop & Navigating My Triggers

I work at a sex shop & absolutely love it. My main job is to educate customers, who are polite & respectful 99% of the time. My co-workers & boss are great and we all share the work without any problems. This is the best job I’ve ever had.

A trigger is a thing, however seemingly minute, that brings a person back mentally to a previous, traumatic experience.  They are often considered symptoms of PTSD, whether from warfare or rape or terrible abuse.  My triggers stem from rape that happened when I was 4-16. It wasn’t until 2010 that i realized exactly what had happened to me (I’m 28 to give you an idea of time). A dark few months passed during which I sought help & recovered. I’m very high functioning today & can pull myself out of the lows that pop up occasionally.

My triggers are easily avoided; I’m very clear about them with my sexual partners, who respect them. But every now and then something at work will start to trigger me: covers of certain porns that fetishize what I went through. Mainstream porn is problematic for more objective reasons, which I won’t tackle right now, and I don’t think any less of the people who enjoy those porns. It isn’t the fault of the porn, of the customers, of my job, nor of myself that I work with my triggers.  I shouldn’t have them to work around, but I can do it.  Sometimes there are parts of the shop that I just won’t go by on bad days. Sometimes I need to go outside and breathe a bit.  This heightened sensitivity is usually brought about either by an attempted contact from my rapist, from a nightmare, or something else unrelated to work.  I have worked on healthy habits to shorten these periods.

Although I’ve known many people who’ve had similar jobs, encountering triggers in the workplace isn’t a topic I’ve ever found. I haven’t brought this up at work largely because it’s not a big enough problem & I want to stay professional. I do want my experience known, nevertheless, for those who might worry that something is wrong with them for having similar triggers. I’m not alone in my experience, and I think it’s important to discuss.  There are resources for rape survivors, abuse survivors, and people who have triggers (contact me if you have questions!!), but I have yet to find any for sex workers and educators?

Actively Recovering Catholic

My life progression thusfar: Catholic, anti-Catholic, angry ex-Catholic, apathetic ex-Catholic, recovering Catholic, actively recovering Catholic.  My active recovery began as genuine interest in how most parishes differ from the abusive parish of my childhood (St. Monica's in Chicago), then how they differ from each other; eventually each Mass I attended became more personal as it was one not influenced by St. Monica's.  My Catholic identity never really went away, despite how rightfully opposed I was to it for a long time, and I want a more active healing than apathetic distance can offer.

And now I have no idea what I've gotten myself into or what I'm doing or where I'm going.  My stance on dogma hasn't changed: I just don't believe it.  I'm not Christian in any sense: Jesus was a cool guy according to the Gospels but the Messiah, salvation, sin, etc. aren't a part of my spirituality at all.  The theology absolutely fascinates me and I love learning it.  I do believe that something is going on, and attending a nonjudgmental Mass makes me feel just as connected to that something as hiking through the mountains does - just in very different ways.

Aside from my apathy regarding dogma, I do believe in the Catholic Church: when open-hearted people gather together in a sacred (sacred in the sense that it isn't mundane) setting to share a ritual passed on by generations, something is attained.  Yes, the Church hierarchy has done many terrible, awful things and I face those head-on and call people out on their bullshit.  And few people know better than I just how cruel  laypersons, even those who win community service awards in their parishes, can be to each other.  It is because I know the horrors in the Catholic Church that I value the goodness in it and seek it out and want to be a part of it.  Other religions have similar disparities and rituals of togetherness, Catholicism is just the religious language to which I'm attuned.

Of course I'm ready to become more involved in my local Catholic community AFTER moving to an area where there's almost none.
I really have no idea what I'm doing.

Terminator 2, Soldier for Christ

In middle school, I was obsessed with the Terminator series, particularly Terminator 2.  Aside from an early love of sci-fi focusing on robotics and AI, there was no reason for my fandom that I could think of.  Later on, when I realized that the setting of my childhood was highly abusive and restrictive (which I'd thought was normal), I thought that my obsession had been more based on the idea of some unstoppable superhuman rescuing me.  That may have had something to do with it.

Thinking more on it now, though, another layer is clearer.  John Connor was my age, he'd been raised in a militaristic underground based on a fantastical conspiracy theory; he had to be the perfect soldier-leader, no room for failure lest the entire human race suffer and die.  I was raised in a cult (under the guise of Catholicism) that taught that martyrdom was the greatest status a human could attain; the girls had to strive to be perfect child-wives and any failure would doom the entire parish to eternal hellfire.  Naturally, I would relate to a character who not only lived a narrative similar to mine, but also got to act it out dynamically while I was locked alone in a basement for hours every day.  And of course any kid would idolize adults who'd sacrifice themselves for her when real-life adults insist that no amount of servitude would be sacrifice enough for salvation.

I'm not saying that my parish looked to the Terminator series for ideas or anything ridiculous like that - more like finding personal meaning in something (even something as cheesy as Arnie striding around in leather) usually reveals something about one's personal situation.  And that revelation might not be clear until years later, from a healthy distance.

Also, I was just thrilled that I was allowed to like something normally reserved for boys.  I don't know how the Terminator series slipped past the radar!

Actively Ex-Catholic

My upbringing was very Catholic. The clergy, faculty, administration and volunteering parents all regretted Vatican II, they were that conservative. They also tolerated and even encouraged the bullying and abuse that happened to me. I allowed all that to happen for so long because, firstly, I didn't know that anything else existed and, secondly, I thought that that's what God/Jesus/Mary/etc. wanted.

Then I went through a rebellious phase in which I hated all Christianity. This is very common as the atheist population grows (at least amongst the middle-and-higher classes). I never blamed God for everything that happened, to me, though; I just changed my concept of God. There's the argument, commonly used by militant atheists, that God can only be two out of these three qualities: omnipotent, all-good, omniscient. Ignoring the subjective meaning of "good," this argument excludes another quality: active.

My relationship with an inactive God ("God" just being the Western term for an unknowable, ultimate being/force/essence. Tao comes close to my concept) is separate from my relationship with Catholicism. There are still many questions I want answered about the terrors of my childhood. I continue to study Catholicism not only to uncover more answers, but also to find peace with Catholicism. It's highly unlikely that I'll ever "be" Catholic again, but being mad at it is a waste.

Catholicism has been successful for centuries for a very good reason: symbols, rituals and hierarchies are emotionally appealing in a chaotic environment. Many "nonbelievers" (future blog to come on belief) attend mass regularly because it can be a calming weekly ritual and it's pretty. I admit that, when I'm having a crazy week, the idea of attending a peaceful mass with my family sounds like a nice escape where I won't have to think. And it would help heal some old wounds.

It is possible, and maybe even healthy, for an ex-Catholic to find harmony with Catholicism. It's as big a character in my past as my parents; I've made peace in my relationship with the absence of my father, Catholicism is next.

CHILDCARE

I might have told some of you that I was basically raised by this insane, super-Catholic family up until high school. I stayed in their home more than either of my parents' and they played a much bigger role in my schooling, religious upbringing, etc. Which still wasn't much of a role: they kept me in their basement watching tv whenever I was over. It's no mystery why I was sick all the time and why I was afraid of people as a kid. Since they had cable, I didn't mind at the time; I thought this was all normal.

A mother and a father who absolutely loathe each other, three miserable daughters – the youngest of whom is around 5 years older than me – and an adopted son who cut off all contact when he turned 18. I'd say only the oldest daughter is some semblance of sane and even that's a stretch. The family had two dogs throughout the time I was under their care, both were neglected. All families have problems, but how many scream and cry daily about how much they hate each other while their dogs sit in piss-filled cages?

Why am I writing about this?

THIS IS WHY THERE MUST BE AFFORDABLE CHILDCARE!!!!!
In order for a household to qualify as some kind of childcare facility, a certain number of children must stay there. My mom took care of 5+ kids daily for a year, so her house qualified and was routinely inspected by officials. Because this family took care of only one or two at a time, it didn't qualify. My mom couldn't afford real daycare, thus she stuck me with these terrible people.