27

In 11 days I'll turn 27.  Despite certain bullshit, the mid 20's aren't that bad.  Right after college, everything was awkward and terrible.  College drops you right on your ass and you're supposed to be an adult now but you have no money and you don't know what you're doing without some kind of set framework - it sucks.  Then things calm down and you can party and figure out what your actual options are.

When I was a kid, I was led to believe that I'd marry before 20, preferably at 16.  Once I reached 14 and 15 and not only had no suitors come along, but also my peers told me that I was so ugly that the only way anyone would have sex with me was through rape (they didn't know that this was actually happening at the time).  I was distraught, thinking that I was unlovable and had failed my authorities by not fulfilling their mandates.

Once I figured out that marrying by 16 is usually a horrible idea and that my education came first, I set my goal to 28 for both marriage and parenthood.  My mother was heartbroken.  I'd find a monogamous partner, we'd have fun and explore the world, we'd gradually intertwine our lives codependently, then we'd marry and have kids.  After a few attempts at this, it finally dawned on me that monogamy is not for me and codependency nauseates me.  Marriage and parenthood hold no appeal.

Although I shed all age-related goals and my personal wants have changed dramatically - they may again, who knows - that marker of 28 still holds significance.  It was an arbitrary choice: I watched Friends and thought it was what normal young adult life was like and they were all around 28, right?  Nevertheless, onwards to another year of adventure!

Old is Relative

My 24th birthday is in a couple days and sometimes you can catch me saying that I'm turning old. Take this as dry sarcasm . . . for the most part. I'm turning oldER. The things that make me feel old:

1) it's my first birthday after school, living as an independent *gulp* adult

2) Looking back over the past ten years, I've got a good amount of living under my belt. Ten years ago was when I was first struggling for independence, autonomy, individuality.

"Old" is an entirely relative term; I do feel "old" compared to my pre-undergrad life and with the realization that my childhood (dependence, being seen as a burden rather than a person, attachment, unrealistic idealism) is more than ten years ago. And as for being a year closer to senior citizenship - which is still decades away - I offer you this quote from a friend of mine:

Anna: "You're not old."
Her grandmother: "Ninety next year, what do you think?"
Anna: "That doesn't make you old, that makes you awesome."

I've known people who spend their birthdays crying because they're a year closer to senior citizenship/menopause/death. WHO CARES?!?!?! There's nothing you can do to stop it and these events are negative only if you make them so, why cry about it?!?! Instead of thinking that I have a limited time in which to accomplish many things, I figure that I'll do what I'll do and then I won't anymore. Maybe I think/feel this way because I view neither childbearing nor marriage as favorable, thus having no need for a "biological clock." I'm well aware that the main reason why I reject both of these things is that I very recently gained autonomy/independence/individuality and both marriage and parenthood require giving up that. I'll probably think and feel differently years from now.

To end on a lighter note, a list of things I want to do in life. If I live as long and as well as my other female relatives, that gives me around sixty years; a good long time to accomplish these things at my pace and to add more to the list:

- travel the world (wow that's vague)
- more specifically: ALL OF INDIA KASHMIR BANGLADESH, the Celtic/British lands, Scandinavia, Japan, Germany, all 50 states
- artist-in-residence programs in national and state parks
- get my MFA from the School of the Art Institute
- join the ranks of Georgia O'Keefe, Harmony Hammond and Victor Higgins as a Midwestern artist painting the Southwest
- perform in drag
- see Ringo Starr in concert
- be a pimp...again
- have a ridiculous amount of pets
- become a renown/infamous queer activist
- get my artwork into a museum
- learn mechanics
- open a woodworking studio
- take in foster children who are trans/intersex, join a Big Sibling program and/or something along those lines
- live in a swanky Chicago condo, then move to an A-frame in Galena when I retire (which could be anytime) to a self-sustaining lifestyle
- go skiing, fishing, hiking, and swimming as often as possible
- be a more prominent figure in my family
- look like a sweet elderly person to the younger generations of my family, whose parents have to pressure them to spend time with me. When their parents aren't paying attention, I'll tell them some insane story of my youth. While they're gaping in awe, I'll throw them into the pool.