In 11 days I'll turn 27. Despite certain bullshit, the mid 20's aren't that bad. Right after college, everything was awkward and terrible. College drops you right on your ass and you're supposed to be an adult now but you have no money and you don't know what you're doing without some kind of set framework - it sucks. Then things calm down and you can party and figure out what your actual options are.
When I was a kid, I was led to believe that I'd marry before 20, preferably at 16. Once I reached 14 and 15 and not only had no suitors come along, but also my peers told me that I was so ugly that the only way anyone would have sex with me was through rape (they didn't know that this was actually happening at the time). I was distraught, thinking that I was unlovable and had failed my authorities by not fulfilling their mandates.
Once I figured out that marrying by 16 is usually a horrible idea and that my education came first, I set my goal to 28 for both marriage and parenthood. My mother was heartbroken. I'd find a monogamous partner, we'd have fun and explore the world, we'd gradually intertwine our lives codependently, then we'd marry and have kids. After a few attempts at this, it finally dawned on me that monogamy is not for me and codependency nauseates me. Marriage and parenthood hold no appeal.
Although I shed all age-related goals and my personal wants have changed dramatically - they may again, who knows - that marker of 28 still holds significance. It was an arbitrary choice: I watched Friends and thought it was what normal young adult life was like and they were all around 28, right? Nevertheless, onwards to another year of adventure!
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Getting to that Age
Within one week, two complete strangers asked me about my marital/motherly status. Please don't let this become a regular thing...
When I was at work, a coworker called to ask me for synonyms. Upon hanging up, this lady asked me with a big, vapid grin if I was helping my SON OR DAUGHTER with English homework.
Excuse me?.......................................... May I leap across the counter and throttle you now please?
And at a party, a friend of the host asked me when I was intending on getting married.
Uhhhh.......what?
And then he lectured me on how, at 26, I'm getting to that age of marriage and that it would probably make my mother happy and that I should really consider getting settled [tied] down and that the host has a really good heart.
No, no, no and this was only the third time we had ever hung out! Apparently the third date-ish thing is when you propose now.
Sir, could you please shut your big, dumb mouth while I shove this broken bottle up your ass?
Wrinkles, weight shifts, gray hair and other parts of aging don't bother me - it doesn't make sense to me when people worry over them. But apparently 26 is that age when complete strangers start lecturing you on marriage and children. GAAAAHHH I hoped that I would never reach this age! Up until now, there was always the dumbly-knowing nod "oh you'll feel different when you're older."
YES, I do! I feel FUCKING PISSED OFF!!! Apparently by settling down and having kids, whether I want to or not, and listening to normal people, I'm getting to that age when my mind shuts down.
When I was at work, a coworker called to ask me for synonyms. Upon hanging up, this lady asked me with a big, vapid grin if I was helping my SON OR DAUGHTER with English homework.
Excuse me?.......................................... May I leap across the counter and throttle you now please?
And at a party, a friend of the host asked me when I was intending on getting married.
Uhhhh.......what?
And then he lectured me on how, at 26, I'm getting to that age of marriage and that it would probably make my mother happy and that I should really consider getting settled [tied] down and that the host has a really good heart.
No, no, no and this was only the third time we had ever hung out! Apparently the third date-ish thing is when you propose now.
Sir, could you please shut your big, dumb mouth while I shove this broken bottle up your ass?
Wrinkles, weight shifts, gray hair and other parts of aging don't bother me - it doesn't make sense to me when people worry over them. But apparently 26 is that age when complete strangers start lecturing you on marriage and children. GAAAAHHH I hoped that I would never reach this age! Up until now, there was always the dumbly-knowing nod "oh you'll feel different when you're older."
YES, I do! I feel FUCKING PISSED OFF!!! Apparently by settling down and having kids, whether I want to or not, and listening to normal people, I'm getting to that age when my mind shuts down.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Decreasing Marriage Rates in Asia
According to an article in The Economist, marriage rates in Asia are decreasing dramatically - partl because there are just more men (by 2050, there will be 60m more men of marriageable age than women) and partly because it is more advantageous for women to remain single. Education, business, health care and urbanization all improve the lives of single women, while the lives of marriage women stay the same in traditionally family-oriented cultures.
In Asian cultures, women with the least education are more likely to marry. In the West, however, women with degrees are more likely to marry. I theorize that this is because of a woman's role in a poor family. Among poor Asians, a daughter is another mouth to feed: send her away to take care of her (potentially wealthier) in-laws. Among poor Westerners, a daughter is another contributer to her family's funds: why send her away to fund another family?
Also, cohabitation rates have risen in the West while marriage has fallen. This reflects on the poor image we have of marriage: it's expensive to begin and to end (and there's a 50% chance it'll end). The habits of cohabitating couples aren't different from those of married couples. In Asia, though, the extremely low rate of cohabitation hasn't changed. The low rate of marrying women doesn't reflect on marriage, but on a traditional woman's role when she isn't single. They don't want their mothers' lives: they don't want to take care of anyone other than themselves.
Ther are also far fewer options in Asia for working mothers than in the West.
Come the 2050 sex divide, perhaps there will be an influx in clergy. People have used religious vocation to solve social/economic problems before. This article suggests that the 60m unmarriable men will topple the concept of universal marriage. I wonder if an honorable role for these men will be formed - clergy has been the common way to do that in previous times.
In Asian cultures, women with the least education are more likely to marry. In the West, however, women with degrees are more likely to marry. I theorize that this is because of a woman's role in a poor family. Among poor Asians, a daughter is another mouth to feed: send her away to take care of her (potentially wealthier) in-laws. Among poor Westerners, a daughter is another contributer to her family's funds: why send her away to fund another family?
Also, cohabitation rates have risen in the West while marriage has fallen. This reflects on the poor image we have of marriage: it's expensive to begin and to end (and there's a 50% chance it'll end). The habits of cohabitating couples aren't different from those of married couples. In Asia, though, the extremely low rate of cohabitation hasn't changed. The low rate of marrying women doesn't reflect on marriage, but on a traditional woman's role when she isn't single. They don't want their mothers' lives: they don't want to take care of anyone other than themselves.
Ther are also far fewer options in Asia for working mothers than in the West.
Come the 2050 sex divide, perhaps there will be an influx in clergy. People have used religious vocation to solve social/economic problems before. This article suggests that the 60m unmarriable men will topple the concept of universal marriage. I wonder if an honorable role for these men will be formed - clergy has been the common way to do that in previous times.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Cactus Tree
Up until college, the goal put into my life was to get a husband. Good grades and a degree were good, too, but paled in comparison to a diamond ring with a house and kids.
After coming out, clearly the priority of marriage fell a few notches. The idea of permanently settling down was still a goal, as though such a thing would prove my worth and heal all the instability of m life thusfar.
It got to the point, when I was 20-22, that I feared I had some flaw. Most of my friends and my girlfriend at the time had been proposed to at least once or had even been engaged. This hadn't happened to me, so something must have been wrong with me, right? This may be difficult to believe now, but I was very feminine and domestic then, still seeking out a permanent anchor.All that was missing was the anchor - which was one of the reasons why I took it so hard when that girlfriend left me to engage someone else.
Through clusterfucks aplenty, cutting contact with my mother, learning more about my father's history, studying artists who had traveled between the MidWest and the SouthWest, forming independent relationships with my "spinster" aunts, and seeing the misery of my prematurely tied-down peers, things clearly changed. I began to be grateful that a proposal had never happened. Regardless of the answer given, a proposal shifts the situation. Could a couple really go on as normal with a "no" reply? Relationships have ended even with an "I need to think about it."
About a year ago was when I finally took life by the reins - if I'm gonna make it WEST, I have to make it happen. Which means the very things I once considered fulfillment are what I must prevent now. It seems foolish to vow permanence, particularly of relationships, because that can't be controlled. People who attempt such allegiance to me, frankly, scare me. It's like they're trying to hold a slippery, writhing fish by crushing it.
Promises of always seem to value the stability of the relationship over the quality of the person. And end doesn't necessarily imply rejection or abandonment. Although it's cheesy and cliche: if you love someone, let hir go.
After coming out, clearly the priority of marriage fell a few notches. The idea of permanently settling down was still a goal, as though such a thing would prove my worth and heal all the instability of m life thusfar.
It got to the point, when I was 20-22, that I feared I had some flaw. Most of my friends and my girlfriend at the time had been proposed to at least once or had even been engaged. This hadn't happened to me, so something must have been wrong with me, right? This may be difficult to believe now, but I was very feminine and domestic then, still seeking out a permanent anchor.All that was missing was the anchor - which was one of the reasons why I took it so hard when that girlfriend left me to engage someone else.
Through clusterfucks aplenty, cutting contact with my mother, learning more about my father's history, studying artists who had traveled between the MidWest and the SouthWest, forming independent relationships with my "spinster" aunts, and seeing the misery of my prematurely tied-down peers, things clearly changed. I began to be grateful that a proposal had never happened. Regardless of the answer given, a proposal shifts the situation. Could a couple really go on as normal with a "no" reply? Relationships have ended even with an "I need to think about it."
About a year ago was when I finally took life by the reins - if I'm gonna make it WEST, I have to make it happen. Which means the very things I once considered fulfillment are what I must prevent now. It seems foolish to vow permanence, particularly of relationships, because that can't be controlled. People who attempt such allegiance to me, frankly, scare me. It's like they're trying to hold a slippery, writhing fish by crushing it.
Promises of always seem to value the stability of the relationship over the quality of the person. And end doesn't necessarily imply rejection or abandonment. Although it's cheesy and cliche: if you love someone, let hir go.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Queer Lingo 101
I'm the only queer person in my super-awesome family. My relatives are secure in their sexualities, the men in touch with their feminine sides and the women in touch with their masculine sides, but nobody is out of the closet other than me. Coming out to them was a great experience with plenty of bear-hugs and I'm happily accepted. Parts of family have met two of my girlfriends and readily welcomed them, then comforted me when those relationships ended.
There is a clear distinction, though, between my biological family and my queer family (not just because they don't date each other lol). I get the feeling that some relatives want to ask me questions, but either don't know the language to use, are afraid of offending me, or both. I could never say something like this and have it be understood:
"When my boifriend got back from picking up ze's next dosage of T, ze said that ze's company picnic is coming up. Ze wants me to femme it up and be ze's beard."
My BFF4EVER, straight and cisgendered, has suggested that I teach Queer Lingo 101. Before I came out, some of my family places bets on whether my only other unmarried relative of age or I would get married first*. When I came out, I think that marriage became one of those questions nobody knew how/whether to ask. I don't want to get married but I do want to throw a big party for my family - maybe this class could be it lol!!
* Footnote: there are many unmarried people, especially women, in my family. It's considered entirely optional. And I'm aware that I may think differently of marriage years from now.
There is a clear distinction, though, between my biological family and my queer family (not just because they don't date each other lol). I get the feeling that some relatives want to ask me questions, but either don't know the language to use, are afraid of offending me, or both. I could never say something like this and have it be understood:
"When my boifriend got back from picking up ze's next dosage of T, ze said that ze's company picnic is coming up. Ze wants me to femme it up and be ze's beard."
My BFF4EVER, straight and cisgendered, has suggested that I teach Queer Lingo 101. Before I came out, some of my family places bets on whether my only other unmarried relative of age or I would get married first*. When I came out, I think that marriage became one of those questions nobody knew how/whether to ask. I don't want to get married but I do want to throw a big party for my family - maybe this class could be it lol!!
* Footnote: there are many unmarried people, especially women, in my family. It's considered entirely optional. And I'm aware that I may think differently of marriage years from now.
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