Abuse Survival, Moving On?

Starting about mid-high school, deviating from the abusive situation I was in was the main motive for most of my actions, behaviors, beliefs, etc.  It was only because of my supportive, welcoming, wonderful high school (yes, you read that right) that I was able to realize what was going on in my life was both wrong and destructive.  At times I just full-on rebelled against the abuse, in my small and goody-2-shoes way, but otherwise I knew that escape - both mental and physical - was healthier and safer.  

Only with adulthood can I fully understand the extent of the danger I was in; for the past 10 years I wished that I had acted out more (participated scholastic bowl & stage crew, taken AP classes.  What a rebel).  But simply saying "I wish we went somewhere fun on spring break rather than cleaning at home 14 hours a day" nearly got me pulled out of school altogether, so taking those forbidden academic opportunities would have reaped unknown horrors.  It's a little sad that this small fantasy of acting out in school had to be quashed by the reality that could really only be understood with maturity.

Due to time, distance and counseling, I'm getting to the point where the experience of abuse is no longer a factor in my decision-making.  Because of the choices I have made that have brought me to this healthy place, I don't need to escape as much anymore.  I don't want my life to continue to be defined by abuse, I'm ready to move on...though that's a scarier idea than I could've imagined.  Without well-honed vigilance, how can I ensure that I don't walk right back into that?  I speak and write so much about abuse partly to keep track of my healing and partly because so many survivors appreciate it, could I continue speaking out for others after shedding these vestiges?  Occasional triggers and nightmares continue, there are still some bad days - maybe choosing to move on would decrease the frequency of these.   

I still don't know if it would be a good idea to make the names and transgressions of abusers known to the internet - it's very tempting, not for vengeance but to warn the schools with whom those terrible people still work.  There's also the fear that what happened the last time I named crimes will repeat: nobody will care.

Working at a Sex Shop & Navigating My Triggers

I work at a sex shop & absolutely love it. My main job is to educate customers, who are polite & respectful 99% of the time. My co-workers & boss are great and we all share the work without any problems. This is the best job I’ve ever had.

A trigger is a thing, however seemingly minute, that brings a person back mentally to a previous, traumatic experience.  They are often considered symptoms of PTSD, whether from warfare or rape or terrible abuse.  My triggers stem from rape that happened when I was 4-16. It wasn’t until 2010 that i realized exactly what had happened to me (I’m 28 to give you an idea of time). A dark few months passed during which I sought help & recovered. I’m very high functioning today & can pull myself out of the lows that pop up occasionally.

My triggers are easily avoided; I’m very clear about them with my sexual partners, who respect them. But every now and then something at work will start to trigger me: covers of certain porns that fetishize what I went through. Mainstream porn is problematic for more objective reasons, which I won’t tackle right now, and I don’t think any less of the people who enjoy those porns. It isn’t the fault of the porn, of the customers, of my job, nor of myself that I work with my triggers.  I shouldn’t have them to work around, but I can do it.  Sometimes there are parts of the shop that I just won’t go by on bad days. Sometimes I need to go outside and breathe a bit.  This heightened sensitivity is usually brought about either by an attempted contact from my rapist, from a nightmare, or something else unrelated to work.  I have worked on healthy habits to shorten these periods.

Although I’ve known many people who’ve had similar jobs, encountering triggers in the workplace isn’t a topic I’ve ever found. I haven’t brought this up at work largely because it’s not a big enough problem & I want to stay professional. I do want my experience known, nevertheless, for those who might worry that something is wrong with them for having similar triggers. I’m not alone in my experience, and I think it’s important to discuss.  There are resources for rape survivors, abuse survivors, and people who have triggers (contact me if you have questions!!), but I have yet to find any for sex workers and educators?

Anti-Theist vs. Spiritual

A recent trend in my life is that most of the outspoken atheists I know are less compassionate than the outspoken theists I know, who are in the minority.  This trend coincides with a shifting of my active spiritual development from recovery to exploration.

For many years, I shied away from theists (save for NeoPagans during high school) because most of the ones I knew had used spirituality/religion to manipulate and hurt people.  My personal search was that of a victim/survivor trying to get away from trauma.  Ideas of What's Going On, commonly referred to as God to the detriment of theological language, were separate in my mind from the terrible people around me.  Blame the music for the douchebaggery of the dj?  Blame the art for the snobbery of gallerist?  No, I try not to mix the unmeasurable with the measurable so it never made sense to me to blame "God" for the acts of humans.  Other people can come to their own conclusions.  Nevertheless, it took a long time for me to stop judging theists.

After years of theological and philosophical study, summer '13 was when I chose to stop being a victim/survivor and to begin being a practicant, however curious and hesitant a one. Although I have yet to actually talk to anyone at any of the parishes that I have visited - including the one I've found that promotes both compassion and intellectual search - largely because I still distrust dedicated parishioners in general, I have opened discussion of spirituality/theology with friends, family and appropriate acquaintances.  The trend I find today is disturbing.

At this point I should make a distinction: "belief" is a word that I shy away from using.  A religious belief used to mean a lifestyle (traditions, symbols, holidays, values, languages, rituals, etc.) that a person practiced.  What a "believer" actually thought didn't matter; an atheist was simply someone who didn't practice what any established religious community practiced.  The meaning of belief changed when our culture changed away from separate groups of lifestyles.  The understanding of belief as an idea that's accepted as measurable reality, an understanding promoted by both anti-theists and fundamentalists, is relatively new.  I hate to say it, but I find that this definition cheapens the personal meaning that a person can discover - whether it's through religious practice, scientific research, or something else altogether.  In any case, when I say "atheist" I mean a person who refuses any religious affiliation in all aspects of life, and when I say "theist" I mean a person who regularly participates in religious practice.  Most people fall somewhere in the middle.

What a person accepts as reality/truth, whether it's 100% scientific evidence or angels, really doesn't matter to me.  It's frankly none of my business, nor are my "beliefs" anyone else's business (though I'll gladly discuss it with any interested, non-judgmental parties).  But the trend among many of the vocal atheists I know today is to harshly judge anyone who isn't as reliant on science as they themselves claim to be.  What is the point of this?  I can agree that certain ideas are, for lack of a better word, stupid: arbitrarily attaching doctrine to something mundane and trendy.  But who does more harm, the person who prays before every meal or the person who refers to pray-ers as cattle?

It's common for anti-theists to deride all religion altogether because of atrocities done in the name of religion: the Spanish Inquisition, Al-Quaeda, the Exodus (ex-gay "therapy") program, witch-hunts, etc.  To affiliate violence with religion, either a specific one or in general, both devalues the benefits of religion as well as shifts the focus away from actually solving violence.  I've met atheists who advocate genocide of all theists, I've met people who are atheists because scientific research brings more personal meaning to them than anything unmeasurable, I've met theists who win religious community service awards while locking children and dogs in their basements without food or water for days, I've met people who began volunteering at poverty-stricken nursing homes because The Virgin Mary "told" them to.  The religion isn't the point, the practices of both compassion and personal meaning are the point however they are brought about.  What disturbs me is that many of the very atheists who blame religion for cruelty are beginning to act out the same hostilities.

I used to block out theists because the only ones I knew were malicious.  Now, I try not to categorize people through their practices - and I don't want people in my life to line up into patterns of spite that way again.  That does appear to be the trend, though, among many of the atheists I've been meeting the past couple years. As I establish myself as a practicant rather than as a victim/survivor, it is a priority to distance myself from those who would put me back into that state.  After all, it seems to me that anyone who thinks less of me because I find personal meaning through spiritual practice would also think less of me because I find personal meaning through art.  They're both unmeasurable, personal, nonverbal, harmless exercises that I enjoy and have spent years studying.

5+ Animated Films You Should Watch

1) Kirikou and the Sorceress



Visually stunning and well-written, this European film stunningly illustrates West African folk tales.  You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be blown away by the incredible artwork.  I really can't recommend Kirikou & the Sorceress enough.  A midquel has recently been released and I can't wait to watch it!!

2) The Flight of Dragons



Made by the creators of the more popular animated Hobbit and The Last Unicorn movies, The Flight of Dragons is artistically wonderful.  But the writing is unbearable, so watch this one on mute with some Jefferson Airplane or Led Zeppelin playing. This film is purely aesthetic.
Availability of this movie on DVD has been shaky, sadly.

3) The Secret of Kells



Another one that's absolutely amazing to watch, but the writing is just okay.  The first 10 minutes of the movie aren't much either, so just skip ahead and turn on some Primus.  Inspired by Celtic knotwork and medieval calligraphy, the artwork of this film never ceases to amaze.

4) Heavy Traffic



A Bakshi film clearly based on Eisner's Contract With God, this gives a gritty idea of life in NYC in the 70's.  You'll be left feeling filthy and disturbed afterward, but grateful for the experience.  It's unpleasant at best, raw and honest.

5) The Point



Created by musician Harry Nilsson (and narrated by Ringo Starr!), it was clearly the Schoolhouse Rock people who animated this trippy film.  Nevertheless, this film of hippie-philosophy takes you down the rabbit hole where you can turn on, tune in, and drop out.

Honorable Mention: The Puppetoon Movie



Ok I can't not mention George Pal.  A Hungarian claymation artist and producer who fled to LA to escape the Nazi regime, he revolutionized both his field and special effects overall.  Yes, his films can be extremely racist - it's important to preserve that sour chapter of American history to see how far we have[n't] come.
Also, these were among the first music videos: Dutch-inspired claymation set to big band!

Forgiveness

Someone recently accused me of being unable to forgive, despite having known me for many years and having seen me forgive several people.  The authorities of my childhood parish also accused me of an inability to forgive.  Both parties are correct in one sense: they demanded immediate forgiveness on command, which I can not do.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to define, it is more than simply saying "it's ok" when someone has caused harm.  It involves releasing resentment, moving on both as an individual and as a relationship from an incident, letting go of hurt.  One can forgive another without ever speaking to the transgressor: forgiving someone who's hurt you doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to resume a relationship.  It's also possible to forgive someone who's died!

Functioning as an individual and as a member of a community is eased through forgiveness.  The act, which is an almost entirely introverted event with fuzzy boundaries, ameliorates harmony both internally and communally.  Forgiveness has been such a prominent religious concept because religious communities involve so much intangible vulnerability between participants.  Both forgiveness and spirituality exist on the line between logic and emotion.

Time between the hurtful occurrence and forgiveness (whether of the self or of the transgressor) is immeasurable.  The idea of needing to forgive in order to harmonize the self and the community is very old, and many ancient ritualistic religions involved going through some kind of ceremony in order to bring about forgiveness.  Some of these traditions also argued that to die without having forgiven would cause disaster: ritual fixed this dangerous chance.  Catholicism makes the same point, but with intimidation rather than facilitation*.  The line of the Our Father "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" meaning, at least as it was posed to me, that if you don't forgive everyone right away then God has no reason to forgive you so you've doomed yourself to Hell if Jesus could forgive while on the Cross what's stopping you?!?

No matter who demands forgiveness on command, the forgiveness itself is insincere when done through intimidation or fear.  The fault of the insincerity is on the pressuring party, not the forgiver.  I was already in the process of forgiving the person mentioned at the beginning of this post and the accusation of my inability only hindered the process.  Thinking and writing about the nature of forgiveness is a step in resuming that process, which has an unknowable duration.

* It may seem logically inconsistent to many that I would return to the very Church that hurt me so much.  Seeking out a parish of compassion and re-establishing myself as a practicing (keyword: PRACTICING.  Practice, not doctrine.) Catholic are steps in my forgiving of the Church.  By attending Sunday Mass and studying Catholicism, I'm harmonizing myself both as a spiritual individual and as a very tentative, doubting member of a community.

More Thoughts on Catholicism's Matriarchy

This podcast is a fascinating presentation on "Mary as Icon and the Feminine Genius."  Although I don't necessarily agree with all of it, it's vital for conversation on the Feminine in Catholicism to continue.  I've been working on this idea for a long time that the Catholic community is more matriarchal than most people anticipate: all the Marian shrines in yards, decals on cars, prayer cards, bedside statues, pendants, flowers, candles and rosaries evidence a feminine prominence.  Future archaeologists will likely look back on Catholics and determine their practice as matriarchal, based solely on these common items. 
Mary, in this podcast, is referred to as both the Tabernacle (Even the picture of the Tabernacle in the image above, which is referenced in the podcast, is vaginal) and as the Mother of the New Covenant.  It's very important to put words to these concepts, which are often vaguely accepted in the background without much thought.  Not only do these ideas about Mary reinforce Catholicism's connections with Pagan folklore and spirituality, but also empower women in the Church more than the patriarchal hierarchy has for centuries.  As women are the most active laypeople, at least in America, a communal understanding of being more than fundraisers, Sunday School teachers and secretaries (read: assistants) could be a valuable foothold in the Catholic community.

Also, I just had no idea how profound Eastern Orthodox iconography is.  Here I just thought it was a way of saying "look at all our money!"

Feminine Feminism

Some prominent foci of the current "4th Wave feminism*" are street harassment, intersectionality (though not often effective), and reclaiming femininity.  Crafts & domestic projects have become incredibly popular as both personal and feminist statements recently, primarily among privileged (read: predominantly white) feminists. This isn't that different from the DIY movement of the early 90's, save that we have the internet now and crafts today are typically much more feminine than then. I suggest that Pinterest is the primary subcultural point.

A few months ago, an argument passed around tumblr debating that the popularity of Pinterest among women evidenced a move back toward domestic femininity...but that it isn't a bad or regressive thing. Femininity has long been a widespread cultural scapegoat: a woman must be feminine in order to have value, though femininity is weak + devalued in patriarchy. Reclaiming crafts, domesticity, and general prettiness is a way young, privileged women are putting power into femininity. In the 1950's, femininity was often displayed in order to attract & keep a mate (see: The Feminine Mystique, The Erotic Silence of the American Housewife, Pink Think, etc.); that's unheard of now: today's feminine feminists do it for ourselves.

I'm waiting for more people to say that the empowering of domesticity is connected to the current feminist focus of street harassment. Catcalls & stalking often push women back into our homes just for the safety, and more dialogue among women is engendered therein. Domestic crafts are a way of reclaiming the very femininity street harassers prey upon, while also connecting to other women. Pinterest (and tumblr, etsy) has become the women's bookstore of the 2010's.

Of course there are problems within this feminist movement, largely relating to race (as always). Crafts require time and money and a safe place, and the websites of exchange display mostly white able-bodied people, white aesthetics, English at around a 6th grade reading level. WOC designers & businesses are often celebrated by tumblrs that focus on race, rarely by tumblrs that focus on gender/sex (and are therefore white tumblrs). Transphobia isn't unusual either, "I didn't mean it that way, therefore it's not transphobic." I'd like to say that intersectionality is improving now, but I am able-bodied & white and it's not my place to make such judgements.

Beginning about 7 years ago, much mainstream media noted that domestic femininity was becoming more common among [white, privileged, cisgender] women. Many such journalists speculated that feminism was ending, women were going home in order to become housewives, etc. They were partly correct, but they couldn't see femininity as something powerful willingly chosen by strong individuals.


* I'm beginning to realize that the use of Waves as categorizing islands of angry women, as opposed to a point of generational reference in a larger context, is a divisive tool used primarily by mainstream media.