There are alotsa new people in my life now, and it dawned on my yesterday that most of them (you?) are unfamiliar with my Liberal Quaker past. I'm reading The Battle For God by Karen Armstrong and she included a bit on the Quakers; that brought back some long-forgotten memories.
When George Fox founded the Society of Friends in the 1640's, Europe was already in great upheaval not only between the Catholics and Protestants, but also in shifting religion from the field of intellect to emotion. So then this podunk upstart comes along comes along with his atheistic anarchy, according to the standards of the time. After initial insanity among the Society of Friends, they've ever since been active supporters of equal rights and the underdog.
In theory, Liberal Quaker beliefs and practices still make the most sense to me. All life is a manifestation of the divine and united, thusly, in equality. Seek out your inner light through personal methods. Meetings, rather than Masses, are times of quiet contemplation/meditation, with secretaries rather than authorities. Personal ideas of faith/spirituality are PERSONAL and just fine, they come second to the practices of equality and humility. This all makes sense, it leaves room for spiritual wanderings and doesn't repeat Catholic habits.
In practice, at least among the Liberal Quakers with whom I've talked, attending Meetings and active participation in the Society of Friends are demanded. I requested respect for my independent meanderings, and that was denied. Now that I think about it, that was a hypocritical attempt at authority...and the Friends with whom I spoke berated my sharing of information and questions solely because I'm not affiliated with a Meeting. The Society of Friends, at least the ones with whom I had contact, repeated the same issues of organization shared by other religions.
"make use of [your] own understanding without direction from another." - George Fox
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Male Privilege, Male Security
Up until this year, male privilege was a vague concept to me, loosely connected to economics and political power. How did it actually affect the average guy? Aside from women falling over each other to leech off his elevated status (clearly, also a class privilege), I didn't know.
And then I started hanging around men much more. Mostly masculine, straight men. A series of minute details occurred:
- they don't tend to check whether their doors are locked multiple times. And if the doors have multiple locks, not all of them are locked all the time.
- they don't look over their shoulders while walking around at night
- they usually don't check in with loved ones when they're traveling
- they don't have multiple routes home planned out
After accumulating this evidence, it became clear to me that there is a general absence of fear. What man has been taught that he has something precious and fragile that everyone wants and will take by force? (I'm sure many men fantasize about this concept...or now they will.)
In addition to gender differences, granted, most of these guys are much bigger than most women. I'd love to offer my defensive arm to a damsel/twink in distress, but who would take it? Fortunately, all the men with whom I hang out now happily offer their physical intimidation for my use against creeps. Again, absence of fear - or not functioning on fear.
Most crimes are perpetrated by men toward other men...so why are they not functioning on fear?!?
And then I started hanging around men much more. Mostly masculine, straight men. A series of minute details occurred:
- they don't tend to check whether their doors are locked multiple times. And if the doors have multiple locks, not all of them are locked all the time.
- they don't look over their shoulders while walking around at night
- they usually don't check in with loved ones when they're traveling
- they don't have multiple routes home planned out
After accumulating this evidence, it became clear to me that there is a general absence of fear. What man has been taught that he has something precious and fragile that everyone wants and will take by force? (I'm sure many men fantasize about this concept...or now they will.)
In addition to gender differences, granted, most of these guys are much bigger than most women. I'd love to offer my defensive arm to a damsel/twink in distress, but who would take it? Fortunately, all the men with whom I hang out now happily offer their physical intimidation for my use against creeps. Again, absence of fear - or not functioning on fear.
Most crimes are perpetrated by men toward other men...so why are they not functioning on fear?!?
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Opposites Attract?
How cliché, "opposites attract." What do they do after they've attracted each other?
All the time at work, at O'HARE AIRPORT (so I have a pretty good sampling), miserable couples meander by. The women who just walked out of Better Homes knowingly empty their minds over celeb rags, the burly macho men soak up business books...and then pay for their wives' magazines. Sometimes, men will enjoy conversations with me about westerns, history and/or sci-fi - masculine genres. Their wives/girlfriends envy me for not only getting along with their men, but also for having the knowledge they don't*.
Aside from their decisions to fit traditional roles, these men and these women are utter opposites. They aren't genuinely attracted to each other because they actively hide who they are!! And they don't get along precisely because they're opposites, they don't relate to each other. The same fights over and over again: "don't go back to the bathroom, you'll spend another 20 minutes on your hair;" "you never hear anything I say, you're only interested in your fantasy football." Opposite interests, repulsion rather than attraction. These couples rarely share similar projects...they're each other's projects!!
Speaking for myself, I'm generally attracted to people to whom I can relate. I'm androgynous/masculine, and I'm attracted to people who have similar qualities (high femmes can have very big balls/ovaries). As a feminist, a sci-fi nerd, an artist with high appreciation for science, a cuddler, etc. I'm attracted to people who share these qualities.
It makes more sense to me to tackle projects with someone similar than to tackle someone who's my opposite. And much more arousing.
* it is possible, yes, that these women just genuinely aren't interested in those genres. I've been told or overheard too many women say "I wish I could enjoy math/science/sci-fi/history/technology/etc. more, but it scares boys away."
All the time at work, at O'HARE AIRPORT (so I have a pretty good sampling), miserable couples meander by. The women who just walked out of Better Homes knowingly empty their minds over celeb rags, the burly macho men soak up business books...and then pay for their wives' magazines. Sometimes, men will enjoy conversations with me about westerns, history and/or sci-fi - masculine genres. Their wives/girlfriends envy me for not only getting along with their men, but also for having the knowledge they don't*.
Aside from their decisions to fit traditional roles, these men and these women are utter opposites. They aren't genuinely attracted to each other because they actively hide who they are!! And they don't get along precisely because they're opposites, they don't relate to each other. The same fights over and over again: "don't go back to the bathroom, you'll spend another 20 minutes on your hair;" "you never hear anything I say, you're only interested in your fantasy football." Opposite interests, repulsion rather than attraction. These couples rarely share similar projects...they're each other's projects!!
Speaking for myself, I'm generally attracted to people to whom I can relate. I'm androgynous/masculine, and I'm attracted to people who have similar qualities (high femmes can have very big balls/ovaries). As a feminist, a sci-fi nerd, an artist with high appreciation for science, a cuddler, etc. I'm attracted to people who share these qualities.
It makes more sense to me to tackle projects with someone similar than to tackle someone who's my opposite. And much more arousing.
* it is possible, yes, that these women just genuinely aren't interested in those genres. I've been told or overheard too many women say "I wish I could enjoy math/science/sci-fi/history/technology/etc. more, but it scares boys away."
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sexual Excitement Survey
I'm currently reading "The Erotic Mind" by Jack Morin, Ph.D. In his research for the book (way back in the early 90's), he came up with this survey. It's included in the book and he requested filling it out and mailing it in anonymously. I dunno if, nearly 20 years later, he's still accepting the survey, but I thought it was very interesting. It made me think about these things in ways I wouldn't have connected otherwise and found some surprising patterns. Here it is (http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCgQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jackmorin.com%2Fuserfiles%2F673622%2Ffile%2FSexualExcitementSurvey.pdf&rct=j&q=sexual%20excitement%20survey&ei=15-KTuH2DMfJgQfd4JWxAw&usg=AFQjCNFbtnGu7Nqr4ivcWQnuLTtnisTidg&sig2=DfHds59nvlvirJrmIwoR-g&cad=rja):
Part I—Real-Life Encounters
Think back over all of your sexual encounters with other people. Allow your mind to
focus on two specific encounters that were among the most arousing of your entire life.
Describe each of them in as much detail as you wish.
1. Describe exciting encounter #1
2. How old were you when you had this encounter?
3. What kind of relationship did you have with the partner(s) in this encounter?
a. Casual or anonymous
b. Acquaintance or date
c. Boyfriend/girlfriend
d. Primary relationship/spouse
e. Multiple partners
4. What do you think made this encounter so exciting?
5. How would you rate your level of excitement during this encounter, especially
compared to your usual ones?
Not particularly exciting <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely exciting
6. How would you rate your level of fulfillment during this encounter, especially
compared to your usual ones?
Not particularly fulfilling <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely fulfilling
7. How important was each of the following six groups of emotions in this
encounter? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling
was most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria,
and pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and
security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity,
oneness, and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and
nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and
revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
8. Before or during this encounter, which of the following drugs did you use?
(note as many as apply)
a. None
b. Alcohol
c. Barbiturates/Tranquilizers ("downers")
d. Stimulants (Cocaine, "speed")
e. Marijuana
f. Nitrite Inhalants ("poppers")
g. Psychedelics (LSD, “Ecstasy,” etc.)
9. Describe exciting encounter #2
10. How old were you when you had this encounter?
11. What kind of relationship did you have with the partner(s) in this encounter?
a. Casual or anonymous
b. Acquaintance or date
c. Boyfriend/girlfriend
d. Primary relationship/spouse
e. Multiple partners
12. What do you think made this encounter so exciting?
13. How would you rate your level of excitement during this encounter,
especially compared to your usual ones?
Not exciting <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely exciting
14. How would you rate your level of fulfillment during this encounter,
especially compared to your usual ones?
Not fulfilling <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely fulfilling
15. How important was each of the following six groups of emotions in this
encounter? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling
was most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria, and
pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity, oneness,
and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
16. Before or during this experience, which of the following drugs did you use?
(note as many as apply)
a. None
b. Alcohol
c. Barbiturates/Tranquilizers ("downers")
d. Stimulants (Cocaine, "speed")
e. Marijuana
f. Nitrite Inhalants ("poppers")
g. Psychedelics (LSD, “Ecstasy,” etc.)
Part II—Sexual Fantasies
The focus of Part II is your personal experiences with sexual fantasy, in the past as
well as the present. A sexual fantasy is simply a mental image, daydream, thought, or
feeling that turns you on. Fantasies can be brief and simple or long and complex. If
you’re unclear about what fantasies are, read the fantasy section in Chapter 1.
17. At what age do you first remember having a sexual fantasy?
18. Describe one of the first sexual fantasies you can remember.
19. Considering all of your sexual fantasies that include other people, what
proportion of the important characters—besides yourself—are of the same or
opposite sex as you?
All same sex <—0—1—2—3—4—> All opposite sex
Following are a variety of statements about sexual fantasy. How frequently does each
statement apply to you personally? For each statement, select a number from this scale
that best reflects your experience:
Never <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very frequently
20. I fantasize about my past sexual experiences.01234
21. I fantasize about desired future experiences. 01234
22.I fantasize about things that couldn’t really happen. 01234
23. I fantasize about things I wouldn’t actually want to do. 01234
24. I fantasize about someone besides my regular sex partner(s). 01234
25. I fantasize when I masturbate. 01234
26. I fantasize when I’m having sex with a partner. 01234
27. I fantasize about sex with two or more partners at the same time. 01234
26. I have fantasies when I don’t want to. 01234
29. I’m embarrassed or uncomfortable about my fantasies. 01234
30. I think my fantasies are less interesting than other people’s. 01234
31. I wonder if my fantasies are normal. 01234
32. I wish my fantasies were different than they are. 01234
33. I’ve made a conscious effort to change my fantasies. 01234
34. Imagine yourself really wanting to be sexually aroused but, for some
reason, you’re not. Based on everything you know about your sexuality,
describe the fantasy that would be the very most likely to arouse you.
35. What are your ideas about what makes this fantasy so exciting? Please be as
specific as you possibly can.
36. Describe the "climax"—the most intense point of excitement—of this
fantasy.
37. How important is each of the following six groups of emotions in this
fantasy? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling is
most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria, and
pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity, oneness,
and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
38. Think about all of the different fantasies that excite you. What percentage of all
your fantasies have a similar theme to the one you just described?
39. For how many years have you been aroused by fantasies similar to the one you
just described?
40. How often do you use erotic materials—such as sexually explicit books,
magazines, videos, etc.—either alone or with a sex partner?
Never <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very frequently
41. If you ever use erotic materials, what is the most common effect they have on
you?
No effect <—0—1—2—3—4—> Highly arousing
42. Which of the following people have you told about your most exciting
fantasy? (note as many as apply.)
a. No one
b. A parent
c. A sibling
d. A friend
e. An acquaintance
f. A stranger
g. A casual sex partner
h. A regular sex partner
i. A therapist
Part III—Personal Background Information
(Respond to this section only if you are mailing in your answers.)
43. Your gender?
44. Your age?
45. Your occupation?
46. Your race?
a. Asian/Pacific Islander
b. Black
c. Hispanic
d. Caucasian
e. Other __________________
47. In which state do you live?
48. How would you describe the community in which you live?
a. Large city
b. Suburban
c. Small city
d. Rural
49. Your highest level of formal education?
a. Less than high school
b. High school graduate
c. Some college
d. College graduate
e. Some graduate work
f. Graduate degree
50. In which organized religion did you participate as a child?
a. None
b. Protestant
c. Catholic
d. Jewish
e. Other _______________
51. In which organized religion do you participate now?
a. None
b. Protestant
c. Catholic
d. Jewish
e. Other _______________
52. How much influence do you think your religious beliefs (past or present)
have on your current attitudes and feelings about sex?
No influence <—0—1—2—3—4—> Strong Influence
53. How old were you when you first masturbated?
54. How many times do you masturbate now in an average month?
55. If you masturbate, how many minutes do you usually spend?
56. How old were you when you first had a feeling of sexual attraction toward
another person?
57. How old were you when you first did any kind of sexual touching with
another person?
58. How old were you when you first had an orgasm with another person (from
any kind of stimulation)?
59. How many different sexual partners have you had in your lifetime? (any
sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)
60. During the last year, how many times have you had sex with a partner in an
average month (any sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
61. How many times would you like to have sex with a partner in an average
month?
62. During the last year, how many orgasms have you had in an average month?
(by yourself and with a partner)?
63. When you have sex with a partner, about what percentage of the time do you
have an orgasm?
64. What is your current marital/relationship status?
a. Single/never married
b. Married
c. Separated/divorced
d. In primary relationship, but not married
The next four questions are about your current primary relationship. If you are not
involved in a relationship, please skip to question #69.
65. How long have you been involved in your current relationship?
66. Is your partner male or female?
67. How many times have you had sex with this partner in the last month (any
sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
68. Since you became involved with this person, with how many other partners
have you also had sex (any sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
69. How do you define your sexual orientation?
Exclusively Homosexual <—0—1—2—3—4—5—6—> Exclusively heterosexual
70. Overall, how satisfied do you feel with your current sex life?
Not at all satisfied <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very satisfied
71. How would you rate your overall level of self-esteem?
Very low <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very high
Please answer "Yes" or "No" for each of the following questions:
72. Before puberty, did you ever have any sexual contact (not necessarily
intercourse) with an adult?
73. Have you ever had any sexual contact with a sibling?
74. Have you ever had any sexual contact with a parent or stepparent?
75. Have you ever been forced to have sex when you didn’t want to?
76. Have you ever forced another person to have sex with you when they didn’t
want to?
77. Have you ever done anything sexually that was against the law?
If yes, what did you do? ____________________________
78. Have you ever been arrested because of your sexual behavior?
If yes, what were you arrested for? ___________________
79. What was the total amount of time you spent filling out this survey?
80. Are there any comments you would like to make about this survey?
Part I—Real-Life Encounters
Think back over all of your sexual encounters with other people. Allow your mind to
focus on two specific encounters that were among the most arousing of your entire life.
Describe each of them in as much detail as you wish.
1. Describe exciting encounter #1
2. How old were you when you had this encounter?
3. What kind of relationship did you have with the partner(s) in this encounter?
a. Casual or anonymous
b. Acquaintance or date
c. Boyfriend/girlfriend
d. Primary relationship/spouse
e. Multiple partners
4. What do you think made this encounter so exciting?
5. How would you rate your level of excitement during this encounter, especially
compared to your usual ones?
Not particularly exciting <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely exciting
6. How would you rate your level of fulfillment during this encounter, especially
compared to your usual ones?
Not particularly fulfilling <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely fulfilling
7. How important was each of the following six groups of emotions in this
encounter? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling
was most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria,
and pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and
security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity,
oneness, and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and
nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and
revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
8. Before or during this encounter, which of the following drugs did you use?
(note as many as apply)
a. None
b. Alcohol
c. Barbiturates/Tranquilizers ("downers")
d. Stimulants (Cocaine, "speed")
e. Marijuana
f. Nitrite Inhalants ("poppers")
g. Psychedelics (LSD, “Ecstasy,” etc.)
9. Describe exciting encounter #2
10. How old were you when you had this encounter?
11. What kind of relationship did you have with the partner(s) in this encounter?
a. Casual or anonymous
b. Acquaintance or date
c. Boyfriend/girlfriend
d. Primary relationship/spouse
e. Multiple partners
12. What do you think made this encounter so exciting?
13. How would you rate your level of excitement during this encounter,
especially compared to your usual ones?
Not exciting <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely exciting
14. How would you rate your level of fulfillment during this encounter,
especially compared to your usual ones?
Not fulfilling <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely fulfilling
15. How important was each of the following six groups of emotions in this
encounter? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling
was most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria, and
pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity, oneness,
and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
16. Before or during this experience, which of the following drugs did you use?
(note as many as apply)
a. None
b. Alcohol
c. Barbiturates/Tranquilizers ("downers")
d. Stimulants (Cocaine, "speed")
e. Marijuana
f. Nitrite Inhalants ("poppers")
g. Psychedelics (LSD, “Ecstasy,” etc.)
Part II—Sexual Fantasies
The focus of Part II is your personal experiences with sexual fantasy, in the past as
well as the present. A sexual fantasy is simply a mental image, daydream, thought, or
feeling that turns you on. Fantasies can be brief and simple or long and complex. If
you’re unclear about what fantasies are, read the fantasy section in Chapter 1.
17. At what age do you first remember having a sexual fantasy?
18. Describe one of the first sexual fantasies you can remember.
19. Considering all of your sexual fantasies that include other people, what
proportion of the important characters—besides yourself—are of the same or
opposite sex as you?
All same sex <—0—1—2—3—4—> All opposite sex
Following are a variety of statements about sexual fantasy. How frequently does each
statement apply to you personally? For each statement, select a number from this scale
that best reflects your experience:
Never <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very frequently
20. I fantasize about my past sexual experiences.01234
21. I fantasize about desired future experiences. 01234
22.I fantasize about things that couldn’t really happen. 01234
23. I fantasize about things I wouldn’t actually want to do. 01234
24. I fantasize about someone besides my regular sex partner(s). 01234
25. I fantasize when I masturbate. 01234
26. I fantasize when I’m having sex with a partner. 01234
27. I fantasize about sex with two or more partners at the same time. 01234
26. I have fantasies when I don’t want to. 01234
29. I’m embarrassed or uncomfortable about my fantasies. 01234
30. I think my fantasies are less interesting than other people’s. 01234
31. I wonder if my fantasies are normal. 01234
32. I wish my fantasies were different than they are. 01234
33. I’ve made a conscious effort to change my fantasies. 01234
34. Imagine yourself really wanting to be sexually aroused but, for some
reason, you’re not. Based on everything you know about your sexuality,
describe the fantasy that would be the very most likely to arouse you.
35. What are your ideas about what makes this fantasy so exciting? Please be as
specific as you possibly can.
36. Describe the "climax"—the most intense point of excitement—of this
fantasy.
37. How important is each of the following six groups of emotions in this
fantasy? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling is
most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria, and
pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity, oneness,
and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
38. Think about all of the different fantasies that excite you. What percentage of all
your fantasies have a similar theme to the one you just described?
39. For how many years have you been aroused by fantasies similar to the one you
just described?
40. How often do you use erotic materials—such as sexually explicit books,
magazines, videos, etc.—either alone or with a sex partner?
Never <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very frequently
41. If you ever use erotic materials, what is the most common effect they have on
you?
No effect <—0—1—2—3—4—> Highly arousing
42. Which of the following people have you told about your most exciting
fantasy? (note as many as apply.)
a. No one
b. A parent
c. A sibling
d. A friend
e. An acquaintance
f. A stranger
g. A casual sex partner
h. A regular sex partner
i. A therapist
Part III—Personal Background Information
(Respond to this section only if you are mailing in your answers.)
43. Your gender?
44. Your age?
45. Your occupation?
46. Your race?
a. Asian/Pacific Islander
b. Black
c. Hispanic
d. Caucasian
e. Other __________________
47. In which state do you live?
48. How would you describe the community in which you live?
a. Large city
b. Suburban
c. Small city
d. Rural
49. Your highest level of formal education?
a. Less than high school
b. High school graduate
c. Some college
d. College graduate
e. Some graduate work
f. Graduate degree
50. In which organized religion did you participate as a child?
a. None
b. Protestant
c. Catholic
d. Jewish
e. Other _______________
51. In which organized religion do you participate now?
a. None
b. Protestant
c. Catholic
d. Jewish
e. Other _______________
52. How much influence do you think your religious beliefs (past or present)
have on your current attitudes and feelings about sex?
No influence <—0—1—2—3—4—> Strong Influence
53. How old were you when you first masturbated?
54. How many times do you masturbate now in an average month?
55. If you masturbate, how many minutes do you usually spend?
56. How old were you when you first had a feeling of sexual attraction toward
another person?
57. How old were you when you first did any kind of sexual touching with
another person?
58. How old were you when you first had an orgasm with another person (from
any kind of stimulation)?
59. How many different sexual partners have you had in your lifetime? (any
sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)
60. During the last year, how many times have you had sex with a partner in an
average month (any sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
61. How many times would you like to have sex with a partner in an average
month?
62. During the last year, how many orgasms have you had in an average month?
(by yourself and with a partner)?
63. When you have sex with a partner, about what percentage of the time do you
have an orgasm?
64. What is your current marital/relationship status?
a. Single/never married
b. Married
c. Separated/divorced
d. In primary relationship, but not married
The next four questions are about your current primary relationship. If you are not
involved in a relationship, please skip to question #69.
65. How long have you been involved in your current relationship?
66. Is your partner male or female?
67. How many times have you had sex with this partner in the last month (any
sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
68. Since you became involved with this person, with how many other partners
have you also had sex (any sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
69. How do you define your sexual orientation?
Exclusively Homosexual <—0—1—2—3—4—5—6—> Exclusively heterosexual
70. Overall, how satisfied do you feel with your current sex life?
Not at all satisfied <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very satisfied
71. How would you rate your overall level of self-esteem?
Very low <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very high
Please answer "Yes" or "No" for each of the following questions:
72. Before puberty, did you ever have any sexual contact (not necessarily
intercourse) with an adult?
73. Have you ever had any sexual contact with a sibling?
74. Have you ever had any sexual contact with a parent or stepparent?
75. Have you ever been forced to have sex when you didn’t want to?
76. Have you ever forced another person to have sex with you when they didn’t
want to?
77. Have you ever done anything sexually that was against the law?
If yes, what did you do? ____________________________
78. Have you ever been arrested because of your sexual behavior?
If yes, what were you arrested for? ___________________
79. What was the total amount of time you spent filling out this survey?
80. Are there any comments you would like to make about this survey?
Monday, September 26, 2011
Enthusiastic Consent, Poly and Mono
There is this idea that, by "putting out" for multiple people, consent means less. As though spreading it thins it.
Another way of looking at it is that sticking to one person can become an obligation, a chore. Enthusiastic consent can lose its enthusiasm in stagnancy. Enjoying different partners allows one to value each more.
Neither point of view is generally right or wrong, just different for different people. Giving enthusiastic consent to one person can strengthen it for some people, sharing it with different partners empowers it for others.
Enthusiastic consent is not a dwindling resource. Whether given to one or to many, frequent giving makes it more joyous. The enthusiasm makes one an active partner, fully aware of what's being shared.
Another way of looking at it is that sticking to one person can become an obligation, a chore. Enthusiastic consent can lose its enthusiasm in stagnancy. Enjoying different partners allows one to value each more.
Neither point of view is generally right or wrong, just different for different people. Giving enthusiastic consent to one person can strengthen it for some people, sharing it with different partners empowers it for others.
Enthusiastic consent is not a dwindling resource. Whether given to one or to many, frequent giving makes it more joyous. The enthusiasm makes one an active partner, fully aware of what's being shared.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Feminine Domesticity
Wanderlust, the antithesis of domesticity, is a masculine characteristic. And, likewise, domesticity is feminine. I have a very high wanderlust and, frankly, I don't want this to be a gendered quality. For a few years, I've been exploring masculinity and experimenting with masculine traits. The implication, though, that feminine women stay at home precisely because of their femininity concerns me. I don't mean housewifery specifically, also settling down sooner/younger than men and not exploring beforehand.
Many feminine women, particularly from college, say that they admire my "bravery" in traveling disconnected from domestic obligations. That's great, though it isn't exactly "bravery" to follow your dreams and it would be more of a compliment for these women to live their own lives. These women also fear for me. What does this accomplish?!
Perhaps feminine women are more domestic because home is a safehaven from misogyny. Which isn't to say that misogyny doesn't happen in the home, but the facade of control can be held up there more than out in the world. And for all their masculinity, butch lesbians get very domestic and eager to settle down. They tend to get twice the bullshit: misogyny + homophobia. With the understanding that home is a safehaven from these social forces, butches would be even more driven to build and maintain one. This certainly helps explain why lesbians jump into relationships so quickly: to feel safe together from shared bullshit.
And I may be exempt from gender-related domesticity because home wasn't a safehaven for me. The road is my safehaven.
Many feminine women, particularly from college, say that they admire my "bravery" in traveling disconnected from domestic obligations. That's great, though it isn't exactly "bravery" to follow your dreams and it would be more of a compliment for these women to live their own lives. These women also fear for me. What does this accomplish?!
Perhaps feminine women are more domestic because home is a safehaven from misogyny. Which isn't to say that misogyny doesn't happen in the home, but the facade of control can be held up there more than out in the world. And for all their masculinity, butch lesbians get very domestic and eager to settle down. They tend to get twice the bullshit: misogyny + homophobia. With the understanding that home is a safehaven from these social forces, butches would be even more driven to build and maintain one. This certainly helps explain why lesbians jump into relationships so quickly: to feel safe together from shared bullshit.
And I may be exempt from gender-related domesticity because home wasn't a safehaven for me. The road is my safehaven.
Monday, August 29, 2011
"Look Both Ways" by Jennifer Baumgardner
You may recognize Jennifer Baumgardner, the co-author of "Manifesta." "Manifesta" was great, a basic and in-depth feminist, well, manifesta for young women of the early 00's. I highly recommend it as a primer.
And then "Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics" by Jennifer Baumgardner caught my eye at the library. http://www.amazon.com/Look-Both-Ways-Bisexual-Politics/dp/0374531080/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314628877&sr=8-1
I've noticed that the vast majority of nonfiction I read can be divided into two categories: purely objective information and subjective semi-autobiography. Sadly, these two writing styles can be divided between the sexes. Women authors almost always include personal anecdotes and opinions in their nonfiction, while men are more likely to just write the evidence and analysis. "Look Both Ways" really takes the cake - Baumgardner appears to have interviewed only women akin to her class, background, profession, gender expression and urban location. Their stories intermingle with her own - this is not hard journalism, this is a blog. Which is fine! But don't write a 227 page blog of one's opinions and pass it off as "women's studies"!
And then there are all the issues in the book itself. At first, I schlepped through this book to find a few gems of actual information; about halfway through, it became a page-turning hurricane of shock. Many of the "drawbacks" of bisexuality she describes can be remedied by having a spine. A brain wouldn't hurt either.
On page 32, Baumgardner explains her relationship with a man, Steven, and cheating on him with a woman, Amy. She states in very clear terms that her relationship with Steven was just what she always wanted because of her relationship with Amy. By stretching her relationship wants and needs across two people, she was better able to appreciate them both. So what does she do? Dumps Steven! And here I'm stomping on the book, screaming "try polyamory, stupid! POLYAMORY!" Alas, the option of non-monogamy isn't mentioned at all in the entire book.
Page 141: "Women are entering into relationships with men with gay expectations, but they don't know how to actualize those expectations or, sometimes, even acknowledge them. It's part of the paradox of feminism, of feminism's unfinished revolution: women expect equality from their relationships, but not from men." If a woman is in a relationship with a man and she doesn't communicate her expectations she bears the responsibility of her disappointment. And expecting equality in relationships but not from men? Is Baumgardner writing about thinking adults here? She seems to have a pretty low opinion on men in general, but this makes women look contradictory and weak as well.
Page 143, Baumgardner writes about the appeal of a bisexual/lesbian girlfriend to men. The first reason for this, apparently, queer (a term mentioned once in the book) women lack the neediness of straight women. The author herself proved that false: she was very needy in her relationships. The second reason is that a man, who's CLEARLY commitment-phobic, knows that he won't have to commit to a queer woman. This is just insulting to everyone. And the final reason is that queer women tend to be more independent - actually, I really have no argument here. You've read my blog, this isn't news.
Those are all the specific snippets I have lined up. Overall, "Look Both Ways" is insulting. It insults men by calling them inherently misogynistic, emotionally dense, commitment-phobic and insecure. It insults women by calling them needily dependent, always looking for "The One", childlike, and stupid enough to date one of those Neanderthal men while expecting something more syrupy. To be sure, PLENTY of people who fulfill these stereotypes exist - these Breeders (not a sexuality-specific term) are the bane of my existence. Beaumgardner's worldview is so small that these may very well be the only gender roles she knows. How a 40something, bisexual, feminist journalist in NYC could emulate Carrie Bradshaw so well is beyond me.
And it's additionally insulting to pick up a book bearing the subtitle "Bisexual Politics" and to discover "My Repeated Bisexual Mistakes." The one real drawback to bisexuality mentioned in this book is that one's sexuality is perceived as reliant on one's partner. "Oh you're straight now" when dating a man, "oh you're a lesbian now" when dating a woman. So many people don't see bisexuality as a real sexual orientation because their own minds change it based on changing partners. Baumgardner explains this problem...and then implies that the bisexual person feels some kind of guilt?!?!? Guilt for other people's inability to conceptualize fluidity?!? Guilt for not living up to some bisexual role, which apparently doesn't exist because Baumgardner isn't aware of polyamory?!?
And then "Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics" by Jennifer Baumgardner caught my eye at the library. http://www.amazon.com/Look-Both-Ways-Bisexual-Politics/dp/0374531080/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314628877&sr=8-1
I've noticed that the vast majority of nonfiction I read can be divided into two categories: purely objective information and subjective semi-autobiography. Sadly, these two writing styles can be divided between the sexes. Women authors almost always include personal anecdotes and opinions in their nonfiction, while men are more likely to just write the evidence and analysis. "Look Both Ways" really takes the cake - Baumgardner appears to have interviewed only women akin to her class, background, profession, gender expression and urban location. Their stories intermingle with her own - this is not hard journalism, this is a blog. Which is fine! But don't write a 227 page blog of one's opinions and pass it off as "women's studies"!
And then there are all the issues in the book itself. At first, I schlepped through this book to find a few gems of actual information; about halfway through, it became a page-turning hurricane of shock. Many of the "drawbacks" of bisexuality she describes can be remedied by having a spine. A brain wouldn't hurt either.
On page 32, Baumgardner explains her relationship with a man, Steven, and cheating on him with a woman, Amy. She states in very clear terms that her relationship with Steven was just what she always wanted because of her relationship with Amy. By stretching her relationship wants and needs across two people, she was better able to appreciate them both. So what does she do? Dumps Steven! And here I'm stomping on the book, screaming "try polyamory, stupid! POLYAMORY!" Alas, the option of non-monogamy isn't mentioned at all in the entire book.
Page 141: "Women are entering into relationships with men with gay expectations, but they don't know how to actualize those expectations or, sometimes, even acknowledge them. It's part of the paradox of feminism, of feminism's unfinished revolution: women expect equality from their relationships, but not from men." If a woman is in a relationship with a man and she doesn't communicate her expectations she bears the responsibility of her disappointment. And expecting equality in relationships but not from men? Is Baumgardner writing about thinking adults here? She seems to have a pretty low opinion on men in general, but this makes women look contradictory and weak as well.
Page 143, Baumgardner writes about the appeal of a bisexual/lesbian girlfriend to men. The first reason for this, apparently, queer (a term mentioned once in the book) women lack the neediness of straight women. The author herself proved that false: she was very needy in her relationships. The second reason is that a man, who's CLEARLY commitment-phobic, knows that he won't have to commit to a queer woman. This is just insulting to everyone. And the final reason is that queer women tend to be more independent - actually, I really have no argument here. You've read my blog, this isn't news.
Those are all the specific snippets I have lined up. Overall, "Look Both Ways" is insulting. It insults men by calling them inherently misogynistic, emotionally dense, commitment-phobic and insecure. It insults women by calling them needily dependent, always looking for "The One", childlike, and stupid enough to date one of those Neanderthal men while expecting something more syrupy. To be sure, PLENTY of people who fulfill these stereotypes exist - these Breeders (not a sexuality-specific term) are the bane of my existence. Beaumgardner's worldview is so small that these may very well be the only gender roles she knows. How a 40something, bisexual, feminist journalist in NYC could emulate Carrie Bradshaw so well is beyond me.
And it's additionally insulting to pick up a book bearing the subtitle "Bisexual Politics" and to discover "My Repeated Bisexual Mistakes." The one real drawback to bisexuality mentioned in this book is that one's sexuality is perceived as reliant on one's partner. "Oh you're straight now" when dating a man, "oh you're a lesbian now" when dating a woman. So many people don't see bisexuality as a real sexual orientation because their own minds change it based on changing partners. Baumgardner explains this problem...and then implies that the bisexual person feels some kind of guilt?!?!? Guilt for other people's inability to conceptualize fluidity?!? Guilt for not living up to some bisexual role, which apparently doesn't exist because Baumgardner isn't aware of polyamory?!?
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