Over the past 10 weeks I have been involved in a Catholic parish through attending Mass, talking with parishioners after service, participating in a Pastoral Plan Listening Session, meeting with two spiritual directors, and joining a theology discussion group. Finding a Catholic community that values hospitality was a long and difficult struggle. My enjoyment of this one is mingled with hesitation that it may all crumble into more of the same shame-focused elitism I'd found at other parishes over the past 3 years.
A significant portion of this hesitation roots in my sexual activity. The vast majority of parishioners are married parents, and the few single members I've met seek to join them. I've been open about my intention to continue "single" and childfree to no response, I think they either don't know how to react to that or just see it as none of their business (hopefully the latter). What I haven't revealed, though, is that I'm polyamorous. It hasn't come up in context. Sex & sexuality, in fact, haven't come up at all. Which is both a relief and frustrating - I prefer being casually open altogether. Neither my sexuality, nor my focus on sex ed, nor my polyamory play a large role in my spirituality; which only baffles me further when religious communities use those standards for judgement.
Contingent with my hesitation to be open about my polyamory is the wealth of the parishioners. Every Sunday the church's parking lot fills with BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, Audi, all new. I've been to two parishioners' houses and was stunned at the luxury. Infinity pools! 4 car garages! Stunning views of suburban Texas hillcountry! Marble countertops, multiple fireplaces, second story balconies, full wine racks, cathedral windows, oriental rugs. It's made me reconsider my material wealth. Although I'm not in a place to give financially, I've begun seeking out ways to give my time.
Sidenote: growing up Catholic in the MidWest, I saw dirt poor parishes and incredibly wealthy parishes and everything in between. Both blue collar and immigrant parishes were commonplace. Here in Austin, all Anglo parishes I've found have been white collar upper class - the only others are Latino, and I admit fault for knowing very little about them as I know almost no Spanish. Anyway, maybe the parishioners' wealth here is so obvious to me because it's so uniform.
The idea that I would be shamed for my sexual activity when I share the pew with those who live with such incredible material wealth is chafing. I haven't been to Confession in 16 years and this disparity is a new reason to avoid it further. I'm honest, open, and safe with my lovers: nobody is hurt (and there's nothing anyone can say to convince me that we're "hurting our souls"). But when I see that wealth, I see food withheld from the hungry, shelter withheld from the homeless, medicine withheld from the sick, and justice withheld from the imprisoned. And yet big names in the Church condemn my actions first. It remains to be seen whether or not this parish with join them, or if they'll continue to try to meet me where I am.
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Sexual Objectification EDITED
I admit that I was frustrated and flustered when I wrote the original
Sexual Objectification blog entry, therefore it isn't well written.
Here is the edited version, beginning with some definitions:
sexualization: prioritising the sex, sexuality and sexiness of a person.
sexual objectification: treating a person as a sexual object.
feminism: the belief that people of all genders and sexes should have equal opportunity and choice.
the women's movement: the history of feminism, particularly in America in the 1960's/'70's
http://www.livescience.com/21609-self-sexualization-young-girls.html
A friend posted this on her facebook. She and her peers are religious, involved mothers and they all commented about how relieved they are that being religious, involved mothers combats early sexual objectification.
I pointed out that I was under the impression as a child that I would marry by 16. My mother and the mothers who volunteered at my Catholic school (which, I discovered much later on, was an extremist parish) all emphasized that little girls should prepare for marriage constantly until they're at the altar - sexual objectification was encouraged, though in manners less obvious than skimpy clothing. Religious, involved mothers can do more damage than good - another lady commented about how her mother actually pushed her in the opposite direction and hated sexuality.
Nobody in this discussion on the article replied to my point, but eventually one of them commented "It's as though the women's movement created more objectification than less of it."
Because of the correlation between the women's movement and shifts in advertising, this can appear as a causation. In the years leading up to the women's movement, sexual objectification in advertising was minimal - women still appeared in advertising as service objects, only fully clothed. The levels of sexual objectification, particularly of women, in mainstream advertising are at a disturbing high today in American culture.
However, women were more sexually objectified, to the point of being considered property of father/husband before the women's movement. Higher education was discouraged for a woman because it made her a less serene servant - and nobody saw the problem in proclaiming this conundrum bluntly. Women themselves chose to abandon education in order to objectify themselves.
So I replied to this lady " the women's movement made it illegal for a husband to rape his wife...so no." What more obvious example is there that the women's movement gave women human status?
She replied "that's a law, this article is about culture."
.....WHAT?!?!?!? Don't most laws come about through cultural shifts?!?!? The women's movement is incomplete, it isn't finished. It gave women choices, that's what feminism is. However, because woman-as-sex-objects are still very highly valued in our culture - as evidenced by advertising - many women make the ill-informed choice to objectify themselves. I argue that a choice made without awareness of other options isn't an autonomous decision at all, which is the difference between sexualization and sexual objectification. If you want me to elaborate on how I know these women's decision-making, please ask.
Feminism is still working to elevate women's minds to equal societal value. I hate to say it, but the women who choose to be sex objects, as opposed to sexual human beings, are perhaps the biggest obstacle to feminism.
And yes, I'm aware that my privileges are showing...I'm working on it.
sexualization: prioritising the sex, sexuality and sexiness of a person.
sexual objectification: treating a person as a sexual object.
feminism: the belief that people of all genders and sexes should have equal opportunity and choice.
the women's movement: the history of feminism, particularly in America in the 1960's/'70's
http://www.livescience.com/21609-self-sexualization-young-girls.html
A friend posted this on her facebook. She and her peers are religious, involved mothers and they all commented about how relieved they are that being religious, involved mothers combats early sexual objectification.
I pointed out that I was under the impression as a child that I would marry by 16. My mother and the mothers who volunteered at my Catholic school (which, I discovered much later on, was an extremist parish) all emphasized that little girls should prepare for marriage constantly until they're at the altar - sexual objectification was encouraged, though in manners less obvious than skimpy clothing. Religious, involved mothers can do more damage than good - another lady commented about how her mother actually pushed her in the opposite direction and hated sexuality.
Nobody in this discussion on the article replied to my point, but eventually one of them commented "It's as though the women's movement created more objectification than less of it."
Because of the correlation between the women's movement and shifts in advertising, this can appear as a causation. In the years leading up to the women's movement, sexual objectification in advertising was minimal - women still appeared in advertising as service objects, only fully clothed. The levels of sexual objectification, particularly of women, in mainstream advertising are at a disturbing high today in American culture.
However, women were more sexually objectified, to the point of being considered property of father/husband before the women's movement. Higher education was discouraged for a woman because it made her a less serene servant - and nobody saw the problem in proclaiming this conundrum bluntly. Women themselves chose to abandon education in order to objectify themselves.
So I replied to this lady " the women's movement made it illegal for a husband to rape his wife...so no." What more obvious example is there that the women's movement gave women human status?
She replied "that's a law, this article is about culture."
.....WHAT?!?!?!? Don't most laws come about through cultural shifts?!?!? The women's movement is incomplete, it isn't finished. It gave women choices, that's what feminism is. However, because woman-as-sex-objects are still very highly valued in our culture - as evidenced by advertising - many women make the ill-informed choice to objectify themselves. I argue that a choice made without awareness of other options isn't an autonomous decision at all, which is the difference between sexualization and sexual objectification. If you want me to elaborate on how I know these women's decision-making, please ask.
Feminism is still working to elevate women's minds to equal societal value. I hate to say it, but the women who choose to be sex objects, as opposed to sexual human beings, are perhaps the biggest obstacle to feminism.
And yes, I'm aware that my privileges are showing...I'm working on it.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sexual Excitement Survey
I'm currently reading "The Erotic Mind" by Jack Morin, Ph.D. In his research for the book (way back in the early 90's), he came up with this survey. It's included in the book and he requested filling it out and mailing it in anonymously. I dunno if, nearly 20 years later, he's still accepting the survey, but I thought it was very interesting. It made me think about these things in ways I wouldn't have connected otherwise and found some surprising patterns. Here it is (http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCgQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jackmorin.com%2Fuserfiles%2F673622%2Ffile%2FSexualExcitementSurvey.pdf&rct=j&q=sexual%20excitement%20survey&ei=15-KTuH2DMfJgQfd4JWxAw&usg=AFQjCNFbtnGu7Nqr4ivcWQnuLTtnisTidg&sig2=DfHds59nvlvirJrmIwoR-g&cad=rja):
Part I—Real-Life Encounters
Think back over all of your sexual encounters with other people. Allow your mind to
focus on two specific encounters that were among the most arousing of your entire life.
Describe each of them in as much detail as you wish.
1. Describe exciting encounter #1
2. How old were you when you had this encounter?
3. What kind of relationship did you have with the partner(s) in this encounter?
a. Casual or anonymous
b. Acquaintance or date
c. Boyfriend/girlfriend
d. Primary relationship/spouse
e. Multiple partners
4. What do you think made this encounter so exciting?
5. How would you rate your level of excitement during this encounter, especially
compared to your usual ones?
Not particularly exciting <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely exciting
6. How would you rate your level of fulfillment during this encounter, especially
compared to your usual ones?
Not particularly fulfilling <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely fulfilling
7. How important was each of the following six groups of emotions in this
encounter? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling
was most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria,
and pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and
security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity,
oneness, and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and
nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and
revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
8. Before or during this encounter, which of the following drugs did you use?
(note as many as apply)
a. None
b. Alcohol
c. Barbiturates/Tranquilizers ("downers")
d. Stimulants (Cocaine, "speed")
e. Marijuana
f. Nitrite Inhalants ("poppers")
g. Psychedelics (LSD, “Ecstasy,” etc.)
9. Describe exciting encounter #2
10. How old were you when you had this encounter?
11. What kind of relationship did you have with the partner(s) in this encounter?
a. Casual or anonymous
b. Acquaintance or date
c. Boyfriend/girlfriend
d. Primary relationship/spouse
e. Multiple partners
12. What do you think made this encounter so exciting?
13. How would you rate your level of excitement during this encounter,
especially compared to your usual ones?
Not exciting <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely exciting
14. How would you rate your level of fulfillment during this encounter,
especially compared to your usual ones?
Not fulfilling <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely fulfilling
15. How important was each of the following six groups of emotions in this
encounter? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling
was most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria, and
pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity, oneness,
and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
16. Before or during this experience, which of the following drugs did you use?
(note as many as apply)
a. None
b. Alcohol
c. Barbiturates/Tranquilizers ("downers")
d. Stimulants (Cocaine, "speed")
e. Marijuana
f. Nitrite Inhalants ("poppers")
g. Psychedelics (LSD, “Ecstasy,” etc.)
Part II—Sexual Fantasies
The focus of Part II is your personal experiences with sexual fantasy, in the past as
well as the present. A sexual fantasy is simply a mental image, daydream, thought, or
feeling that turns you on. Fantasies can be brief and simple or long and complex. If
you’re unclear about what fantasies are, read the fantasy section in Chapter 1.
17. At what age do you first remember having a sexual fantasy?
18. Describe one of the first sexual fantasies you can remember.
19. Considering all of your sexual fantasies that include other people, what
proportion of the important characters—besides yourself—are of the same or
opposite sex as you?
All same sex <—0—1—2—3—4—> All opposite sex
Following are a variety of statements about sexual fantasy. How frequently does each
statement apply to you personally? For each statement, select a number from this scale
that best reflects your experience:
Never <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very frequently
20. I fantasize about my past sexual experiences.01234
21. I fantasize about desired future experiences. 01234
22.I fantasize about things that couldn’t really happen. 01234
23. I fantasize about things I wouldn’t actually want to do. 01234
24. I fantasize about someone besides my regular sex partner(s). 01234
25. I fantasize when I masturbate. 01234
26. I fantasize when I’m having sex with a partner. 01234
27. I fantasize about sex with two or more partners at the same time. 01234
26. I have fantasies when I don’t want to. 01234
29. I’m embarrassed or uncomfortable about my fantasies. 01234
30. I think my fantasies are less interesting than other people’s. 01234
31. I wonder if my fantasies are normal. 01234
32. I wish my fantasies were different than they are. 01234
33. I’ve made a conscious effort to change my fantasies. 01234
34. Imagine yourself really wanting to be sexually aroused but, for some
reason, you’re not. Based on everything you know about your sexuality,
describe the fantasy that would be the very most likely to arouse you.
35. What are your ideas about what makes this fantasy so exciting? Please be as
specific as you possibly can.
36. Describe the "climax"—the most intense point of excitement—of this
fantasy.
37. How important is each of the following six groups of emotions in this
fantasy? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling is
most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria, and
pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity, oneness,
and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
38. Think about all of the different fantasies that excite you. What percentage of all
your fantasies have a similar theme to the one you just described?
39. For how many years have you been aroused by fantasies similar to the one you
just described?
40. How often do you use erotic materials—such as sexually explicit books,
magazines, videos, etc.—either alone or with a sex partner?
Never <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very frequently
41. If you ever use erotic materials, what is the most common effect they have on
you?
No effect <—0—1—2—3—4—> Highly arousing
42. Which of the following people have you told about your most exciting
fantasy? (note as many as apply.)
a. No one
b. A parent
c. A sibling
d. A friend
e. An acquaintance
f. A stranger
g. A casual sex partner
h. A regular sex partner
i. A therapist
Part III—Personal Background Information
(Respond to this section only if you are mailing in your answers.)
43. Your gender?
44. Your age?
45. Your occupation?
46. Your race?
a. Asian/Pacific Islander
b. Black
c. Hispanic
d. Caucasian
e. Other __________________
47. In which state do you live?
48. How would you describe the community in which you live?
a. Large city
b. Suburban
c. Small city
d. Rural
49. Your highest level of formal education?
a. Less than high school
b. High school graduate
c. Some college
d. College graduate
e. Some graduate work
f. Graduate degree
50. In which organized religion did you participate as a child?
a. None
b. Protestant
c. Catholic
d. Jewish
e. Other _______________
51. In which organized religion do you participate now?
a. None
b. Protestant
c. Catholic
d. Jewish
e. Other _______________
52. How much influence do you think your religious beliefs (past or present)
have on your current attitudes and feelings about sex?
No influence <—0—1—2—3—4—> Strong Influence
53. How old were you when you first masturbated?
54. How many times do you masturbate now in an average month?
55. If you masturbate, how many minutes do you usually spend?
56. How old were you when you first had a feeling of sexual attraction toward
another person?
57. How old were you when you first did any kind of sexual touching with
another person?
58. How old were you when you first had an orgasm with another person (from
any kind of stimulation)?
59. How many different sexual partners have you had in your lifetime? (any
sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)
60. During the last year, how many times have you had sex with a partner in an
average month (any sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
61. How many times would you like to have sex with a partner in an average
month?
62. During the last year, how many orgasms have you had in an average month?
(by yourself and with a partner)?
63. When you have sex with a partner, about what percentage of the time do you
have an orgasm?
64. What is your current marital/relationship status?
a. Single/never married
b. Married
c. Separated/divorced
d. In primary relationship, but not married
The next four questions are about your current primary relationship. If you are not
involved in a relationship, please skip to question #69.
65. How long have you been involved in your current relationship?
66. Is your partner male or female?
67. How many times have you had sex with this partner in the last month (any
sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
68. Since you became involved with this person, with how many other partners
have you also had sex (any sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
69. How do you define your sexual orientation?
Exclusively Homosexual <—0—1—2—3—4—5—6—> Exclusively heterosexual
70. Overall, how satisfied do you feel with your current sex life?
Not at all satisfied <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very satisfied
71. How would you rate your overall level of self-esteem?
Very low <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very high
Please answer "Yes" or "No" for each of the following questions:
72. Before puberty, did you ever have any sexual contact (not necessarily
intercourse) with an adult?
73. Have you ever had any sexual contact with a sibling?
74. Have you ever had any sexual contact with a parent or stepparent?
75. Have you ever been forced to have sex when you didn’t want to?
76. Have you ever forced another person to have sex with you when they didn’t
want to?
77. Have you ever done anything sexually that was against the law?
If yes, what did you do? ____________________________
78. Have you ever been arrested because of your sexual behavior?
If yes, what were you arrested for? ___________________
79. What was the total amount of time you spent filling out this survey?
80. Are there any comments you would like to make about this survey?
Part I—Real-Life Encounters
Think back over all of your sexual encounters with other people. Allow your mind to
focus on two specific encounters that were among the most arousing of your entire life.
Describe each of them in as much detail as you wish.
1. Describe exciting encounter #1
2. How old were you when you had this encounter?
3. What kind of relationship did you have with the partner(s) in this encounter?
a. Casual or anonymous
b. Acquaintance or date
c. Boyfriend/girlfriend
d. Primary relationship/spouse
e. Multiple partners
4. What do you think made this encounter so exciting?
5. How would you rate your level of excitement during this encounter, especially
compared to your usual ones?
Not particularly exciting <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely exciting
6. How would you rate your level of fulfillment during this encounter, especially
compared to your usual ones?
Not particularly fulfilling <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely fulfilling
7. How important was each of the following six groups of emotions in this
encounter? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling
was most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria,
and pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and
security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity,
oneness, and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and
nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and
revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
8. Before or during this encounter, which of the following drugs did you use?
(note as many as apply)
a. None
b. Alcohol
c. Barbiturates/Tranquilizers ("downers")
d. Stimulants (Cocaine, "speed")
e. Marijuana
f. Nitrite Inhalants ("poppers")
g. Psychedelics (LSD, “Ecstasy,” etc.)
9. Describe exciting encounter #2
10. How old were you when you had this encounter?
11. What kind of relationship did you have with the partner(s) in this encounter?
a. Casual or anonymous
b. Acquaintance or date
c. Boyfriend/girlfriend
d. Primary relationship/spouse
e. Multiple partners
12. What do you think made this encounter so exciting?
13. How would you rate your level of excitement during this encounter,
especially compared to your usual ones?
Not exciting <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely exciting
14. How would you rate your level of fulfillment during this encounter,
especially compared to your usual ones?
Not fulfilling <—0—1—2—3—4—> Extremely fulfilling
15. How important was each of the following six groups of emotions in this
encounter? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling
was most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria, and
pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity, oneness,
and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
16. Before or during this experience, which of the following drugs did you use?
(note as many as apply)
a. None
b. Alcohol
c. Barbiturates/Tranquilizers ("downers")
d. Stimulants (Cocaine, "speed")
e. Marijuana
f. Nitrite Inhalants ("poppers")
g. Psychedelics (LSD, “Ecstasy,” etc.)
Part II—Sexual Fantasies
The focus of Part II is your personal experiences with sexual fantasy, in the past as
well as the present. A sexual fantasy is simply a mental image, daydream, thought, or
feeling that turns you on. Fantasies can be brief and simple or long and complex. If
you’re unclear about what fantasies are, read the fantasy section in Chapter 1.
17. At what age do you first remember having a sexual fantasy?
18. Describe one of the first sexual fantasies you can remember.
19. Considering all of your sexual fantasies that include other people, what
proportion of the important characters—besides yourself—are of the same or
opposite sex as you?
All same sex <—0—1—2—3—4—> All opposite sex
Following are a variety of statements about sexual fantasy. How frequently does each
statement apply to you personally? For each statement, select a number from this scale
that best reflects your experience:
Never <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very frequently
20. I fantasize about my past sexual experiences.01234
21. I fantasize about desired future experiences. 01234
22.I fantasize about things that couldn’t really happen. 01234
23. I fantasize about things I wouldn’t actually want to do. 01234
24. I fantasize about someone besides my regular sex partner(s). 01234
25. I fantasize when I masturbate. 01234
26. I fantasize when I’m having sex with a partner. 01234
27. I fantasize about sex with two or more partners at the same time. 01234
26. I have fantasies when I don’t want to. 01234
29. I’m embarrassed or uncomfortable about my fantasies. 01234
30. I think my fantasies are less interesting than other people’s. 01234
31. I wonder if my fantasies are normal. 01234
32. I wish my fantasies were different than they are. 01234
33. I’ve made a conscious effort to change my fantasies. 01234
34. Imagine yourself really wanting to be sexually aroused but, for some
reason, you’re not. Based on everything you know about your sexuality,
describe the fantasy that would be the very most likely to arouse you.
35. What are your ideas about what makes this fantasy so exciting? Please be as
specific as you possibly can.
36. Describe the "climax"—the most intense point of excitement—of this
fantasy.
37. How important is each of the following six groups of emotions in this
fantasy? Within each group of feelings, base your rating on whichever feeling is
most important. (Note: some emotions, especially the “negative” ones, may be very
important even though they’re not particularly intense.)
a. Exuberance (Related emotions: joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria, and
pride).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
b. Satisfaction (Related emotions: contentment, happiness, relaxation, and security).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
c. Closeness (Related emotions: love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity, oneness,
and appreciation).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
d. Anxiety (Related emotions: fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry, and nervousness).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
e. Guilt (Related emotions: remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
f. Anger (Related emotions: hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment, and revenge).
Not at all important <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very important
38. Think about all of the different fantasies that excite you. What percentage of all
your fantasies have a similar theme to the one you just described?
39. For how many years have you been aroused by fantasies similar to the one you
just described?
40. How often do you use erotic materials—such as sexually explicit books,
magazines, videos, etc.—either alone or with a sex partner?
Never <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very frequently
41. If you ever use erotic materials, what is the most common effect they have on
you?
No effect <—0—1—2—3—4—> Highly arousing
42. Which of the following people have you told about your most exciting
fantasy? (note as many as apply.)
a. No one
b. A parent
c. A sibling
d. A friend
e. An acquaintance
f. A stranger
g. A casual sex partner
h. A regular sex partner
i. A therapist
Part III—Personal Background Information
(Respond to this section only if you are mailing in your answers.)
43. Your gender?
44. Your age?
45. Your occupation?
46. Your race?
a. Asian/Pacific Islander
b. Black
c. Hispanic
d. Caucasian
e. Other __________________
47. In which state do you live?
48. How would you describe the community in which you live?
a. Large city
b. Suburban
c. Small city
d. Rural
49. Your highest level of formal education?
a. Less than high school
b. High school graduate
c. Some college
d. College graduate
e. Some graduate work
f. Graduate degree
50. In which organized religion did you participate as a child?
a. None
b. Protestant
c. Catholic
d. Jewish
e. Other _______________
51. In which organized religion do you participate now?
a. None
b. Protestant
c. Catholic
d. Jewish
e. Other _______________
52. How much influence do you think your religious beliefs (past or present)
have on your current attitudes and feelings about sex?
No influence <—0—1—2—3—4—> Strong Influence
53. How old were you when you first masturbated?
54. How many times do you masturbate now in an average month?
55. If you masturbate, how many minutes do you usually spend?
56. How old were you when you first had a feeling of sexual attraction toward
another person?
57. How old were you when you first did any kind of sexual touching with
another person?
58. How old were you when you first had an orgasm with another person (from
any kind of stimulation)?
59. How many different sexual partners have you had in your lifetime? (any
sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)
60. During the last year, how many times have you had sex with a partner in an
average month (any sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
61. How many times would you like to have sex with a partner in an average
month?
62. During the last year, how many orgasms have you had in an average month?
(by yourself and with a partner)?
63. When you have sex with a partner, about what percentage of the time do you
have an orgasm?
64. What is your current marital/relationship status?
a. Single/never married
b. Married
c. Separated/divorced
d. In primary relationship, but not married
The next four questions are about your current primary relationship. If you are not
involved in a relationship, please skip to question #69.
65. How long have you been involved in your current relationship?
66. Is your partner male or female?
67. How many times have you had sex with this partner in the last month (any
sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
68. Since you became involved with this person, with how many other partners
have you also had sex (any sexual contact, not necessarily intercourse)?
69. How do you define your sexual orientation?
Exclusively Homosexual <—0—1—2—3—4—5—6—> Exclusively heterosexual
70. Overall, how satisfied do you feel with your current sex life?
Not at all satisfied <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very satisfied
71. How would you rate your overall level of self-esteem?
Very low <—0—1—2—3—4—> Very high
Please answer "Yes" or "No" for each of the following questions:
72. Before puberty, did you ever have any sexual contact (not necessarily
intercourse) with an adult?
73. Have you ever had any sexual contact with a sibling?
74. Have you ever had any sexual contact with a parent or stepparent?
75. Have you ever been forced to have sex when you didn’t want to?
76. Have you ever forced another person to have sex with you when they didn’t
want to?
77. Have you ever done anything sexually that was against the law?
If yes, what did you do? ____________________________
78. Have you ever been arrested because of your sexual behavior?
If yes, what were you arrested for? ___________________
79. What was the total amount of time you spent filling out this survey?
80. Are there any comments you would like to make about this survey?
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Sex Positivity
Oh the joys of sex positivity! Who knew therapy could be so much fun?! It's healing, a way to take control of one's 50% of the situation (or some other percentage, depending on how many people are involved). Enthusiastic consent makes the entire experience even more enjoyable.
Today is Milwaukee's SlutWalk and it's so wonderful how many people, particularly Alverno people, who are marching in it. Wish I could be there with you glorious sluts!
After a very strict Catholic upbringing, it was only about midway through college that I learned to accept pleasure. Suffering doesn't actually accomplish anything (it could be argued that one learned through suffering, but extreme Catholicism looks down on learning as much as on pleasure), and enjoying pleasure doesn't make one a bad person. It's ok to be moderately selfish, especially when so much fun can be had giving as well. Sexual pleasure is a physical release, and going at it enthusiastically and partaking in power play bring about a mental/emotional release as well.
Many thanks to Susie Bright, Eve Ensler, Del LaGrace Volcano, Annie Sparkle, Margaret Cho and many many others who have brought about the queer sex-positive awareness that has certainly improved my life and, well, certainly the lives of my lovers! There are indeed queer slut role models aplenty, advocates of enthusiastic consent and body awareness and gender fluidity, which can flood one's life like a rainbow avalanche if only that door is opened. They've cleared the rough paths so that mine may be easier to walk (or skip).
And a very special thank you to Kate Bornstein. The quote in her book Gender Outlaw has made all the difference: "never fuck anyone you wouldn't want to be." (and, of course, my appreciation to the grandmother who coined the phrase, and to the anonymous person who announced it at a Bornstein event).
Today is Milwaukee's SlutWalk and it's so wonderful how many people, particularly Alverno people, who are marching in it. Wish I could be there with you glorious sluts!
After a very strict Catholic upbringing, it was only about midway through college that I learned to accept pleasure. Suffering doesn't actually accomplish anything (it could be argued that one learned through suffering, but extreme Catholicism looks down on learning as much as on pleasure), and enjoying pleasure doesn't make one a bad person. It's ok to be moderately selfish, especially when so much fun can be had giving as well. Sexual pleasure is a physical release, and going at it enthusiastically and partaking in power play bring about a mental/emotional release as well.
Many thanks to Susie Bright, Eve Ensler, Del LaGrace Volcano, Annie Sparkle, Margaret Cho and many many others who have brought about the queer sex-positive awareness that has certainly improved my life and, well, certainly the lives of my lovers! There are indeed queer slut role models aplenty, advocates of enthusiastic consent and body awareness and gender fluidity, which can flood one's life like a rainbow avalanche if only that door is opened. They've cleared the rough paths so that mine may be easier to walk (or skip).
And a very special thank you to Kate Bornstein. The quote in her book Gender Outlaw has made all the difference: "never fuck anyone you wouldn't want to be." (and, of course, my appreciation to the grandmother who coined the phrase, and to the anonymous person who announced it at a Bornstein event).
Friday, July 1, 2011
Citizens Upholding Noisy Titillation
First, a refresher from The Vagina Monologues:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9lFB-Ietww
This was my story. Well, not the lawyer part (though I'd gladly take her as a sugar mama). But I, too, used to "hide my moan" with a couple unappreciative lovers and in some primly proper residences. Sex was far less enjoyable; it's one thing to choose to be quiet because it adds a sneaky quality to how naughty you're being, teehee, and quite another to be told "if you don't quiet down, I'm going to stop." The silence of these dorms and apartment buildings was something to conform to, right? Don't disturb it, even if it is 9pm on a Saturday.
I assistant-managed a production of The Vagina Monologues at my internship, shortly before graduation. My relationship at the time was also faltering and it ended about a month after I graduated. These three coinciding events inspired me to throw off the weight of imposed silence. Although it was sad to no longer be held in awe in the dorm, at least I didn't have to worry about disturbing someone's homework (what could turn you off more?). No more would I be silenced, I would proclaim my lover's skill - and sex got a lot better with this noisy liberation!
Those of us who appreciate loud sex must band together. Good sex makes a happier world and if you can't hear it happening, how do you know it's happening at all? Make the world a happier place by joining Citizens Upholding Noisy Titillation.
Step 1: have loud sex
Step 2: cheer on the loud sex you overhear
That's all it takes to become a Citizen of C.U.N.T. We want to hear Noisy Titillation in the apartments and houses we pass, in the dressing rooms of where we shop, under the tables of restaurants, and in the parks. A society in which people are getting laid is a happy society.
Join the Citizens Upholding Noisy Titillation group on facebook - t-shirts and buttons to appear in the near future!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9lFB-Ietww
This was my story. Well, not the lawyer part (though I'd gladly take her as a sugar mama). But I, too, used to "hide my moan" with a couple unappreciative lovers and in some primly proper residences. Sex was far less enjoyable; it's one thing to choose to be quiet because it adds a sneaky quality to how naughty you're being, teehee, and quite another to be told "if you don't quiet down, I'm going to stop." The silence of these dorms and apartment buildings was something to conform to, right? Don't disturb it, even if it is 9pm on a Saturday.
I assistant-managed a production of The Vagina Monologues at my internship, shortly before graduation. My relationship at the time was also faltering and it ended about a month after I graduated. These three coinciding events inspired me to throw off the weight of imposed silence. Although it was sad to no longer be held in awe in the dorm, at least I didn't have to worry about disturbing someone's homework (what could turn you off more?). No more would I be silenced, I would proclaim my lover's skill - and sex got a lot better with this noisy liberation!
Those of us who appreciate loud sex must band together. Good sex makes a happier world and if you can't hear it happening, how do you know it's happening at all? Make the world a happier place by joining Citizens Upholding Noisy Titillation.
Step 1: have loud sex
Step 2: cheer on the loud sex you overhear
That's all it takes to become a Citizen of C.U.N.T. We want to hear Noisy Titillation in the apartments and houses we pass, in the dressing rooms of where we shop, under the tables of restaurants, and in the parks. A society in which people are getting laid is a happy society.
Join the Citizens Upholding Noisy Titillation group on facebook - t-shirts and buttons to appear in the near future!
Monday, May 23, 2011
A New Trend
Firstly: http://thoughtsonblank.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/i-am-trans-i-just-dont-try-very-hard/
And then my real post:
Either I've struck gold or there's a new trend - I'm choosing to believe it's a new trend - since masculine/androgynous chicks are a hot commodity.
When I was in middle school, high school and college (an all-women college!!), there were many many girls who felt like they had to choose between male attention and their own "masculine" interests. "I love math, but I want to get a boyfriend," or "I always wanted to learn woodworking, but I got married." AAAAHHH SO STUPID!!! And now, particularly when I'm at work, those kinds of women can't have simple conversations with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands.
Clearly, I didn't give up my interests in order to snag a man, even before I came out of the closet. And that makes me really attractive to a lot of straight men now, which I NEVER expected. Knowing sci-fi, carrying a pocketknife, and having welding experience are not only things I enjoy but they also are apparently pretty sexy. This means that, at least at work, I converse with straight guys while their women get very jealous of me. But because they abandoned their interests in order to get a man, all they can contribute is "look, honey, Bristol Palin is on the cover of People magazine!"
At first I thought that I'm just really lucky, but then I talked with a flaming friend who said that most straight guys, regardless of social group, are into "bi girls" now. Whether it's Jersey Shore types into girls making out with each other or nerds into masculine/androgynous women, we're where it's at now!
My point is...
fuck it
READ A BOOK, PEOPLE!!!! ....NOT ROMANCE!!
And then my real post:
Either I've struck gold or there's a new trend - I'm choosing to believe it's a new trend - since masculine/androgynous chicks are a hot commodity.
When I was in middle school, high school and college (an all-women college!!), there were many many girls who felt like they had to choose between male attention and their own "masculine" interests. "I love math, but I want to get a boyfriend," or "I always wanted to learn woodworking, but I got married." AAAAHHH SO STUPID!!! And now, particularly when I'm at work, those kinds of women can't have simple conversations with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands.
Clearly, I didn't give up my interests in order to snag a man, even before I came out of the closet. And that makes me really attractive to a lot of straight men now, which I NEVER expected. Knowing sci-fi, carrying a pocketknife, and having welding experience are not only things I enjoy but they also are apparently pretty sexy. This means that, at least at work, I converse with straight guys while their women get very jealous of me. But because they abandoned their interests in order to get a man, all they can contribute is "look, honey, Bristol Palin is on the cover of People magazine!"
At first I thought that I'm just really lucky, but then I talked with a flaming friend who said that most straight guys, regardless of social group, are into "bi girls" now. Whether it's Jersey Shore types into girls making out with each other or nerds into masculine/androgynous women, we're where it's at now!
My point is...
fuck it
READ A BOOK, PEOPLE!!!! ....NOT ROMANCE!!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
SlutWalk Chicago, My Sex Positivity
http://www.slutwalkchicago.org/blog.html is calling for submissions regarding one's sex positivity. Here is my submission:
1. First and Last Name, Age, Neighborhood (or suburb) of Chicago in which you live
K. Kriesel, 25, Edgewater
2. How do you promote sex positivity in Chicago?
My first priority, regarding sex positivity, is to heal from my own sexual assault. This involves decreasing the intensity and frequency of my triggers, separating completely from the person who raped me, maintaining control over my 50% of any relationship, and, maybe most importantly, integrating this experience into my identity. Through the Chicago chapter of the Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse (http://www.ascasupport.org/_events/event1.php?eventID=51), of which I am a co-secretary, I am reaching those goals.
I am also promoting sex positivity by having enthusiastically consensual sex! When one of my lovers described sex as communication, I took that concept and ran with it. Flowing from discussion, to sex, to artistic expression, to reflection, and again, I keep a sexual dialogue (trialogue?) going. Sometimes a simple, frank conversation can open doors. Also, as a genderqueer person perceived as a bicurious lesbian with biomale lovers, I break boundaries and answer questions - usually with more questions.
Also, I have a blog: http://kkriesel.blogspot.com/
I have an online gallery of my artwork: http://sites.google.com/site/kkrieselart/home
And I write articles for thenewgay.net
3. What sort of changes would you like to see in Chicago in regards to sex positivity?
The person who sexually assaulted me did so because she was not sexually aware. She thought that, because we're both females, whatever she did to me could not be sexual. She was also extremely sexually repressed and acted out her lack of self-connection through controlling me.
By taking control of my own sexuality as well as by facilitating discussion and educating others, I am promoting sex positivity as a prevention technique. Sexual taboos and rape culture are two sides of the same coin. Through sex positivity, personal issues of sex-as-control can be resolved through discussion, expression and consensual activities.
Also, gender and sex policing occurs here too often. The concepts of "you are your biology" and "pick a side" (regarding both gender and sexuality) are still rampant and don't help anyone. The lesbian and gay movement has been fighting for so long to be valued as individuals rather than through the sexes involved in relationships - but the social bind between anatomy and destiny is still there. In some circles, there is no room for fluidity. I want to see this policing end, to see individuality and fluidity welcomed and celebrated.
Simply, to break the social taboos over talking about sex, power play, sexual assault, gender and sexuality.
4. Why do you support SlutWalk Chicago?
Firstly, for its initial cause. Rape is rape because it is nonconsensual. A person's garb is not consent. There is no connection between clothing and consent. This ties in to other issues regarding sexual assault: all sexual assault is violent, certain bodies are there for others' taking, etc.
Secondly, to demonstrate my control over my own sexuality. My body is mine, I define it and I choose what to do with it. Should I choose to march in "slutty" clothing, I would be allowing others to see my body, not giving. I would control my 50% of the situation.
Thirdly, in what other way could I walk down the street in lingerie and feel safe?
1. First and Last Name, Age, Neighborhood (or suburb) of Chicago in which you live
K. Kriesel, 25, Edgewater
2. How do you promote sex positivity in Chicago?
My first priority, regarding sex positivity, is to heal from my own sexual assault. This involves decreasing the intensity and frequency of my triggers, separating completely from the person who raped me, maintaining control over my 50% of any relationship, and, maybe most importantly, integrating this experience into my identity. Through the Chicago chapter of the Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse (http://www.ascasupport.org/_events/event1.php?eventID=51), of which I am a co-secretary, I am reaching those goals.
I am also promoting sex positivity by having enthusiastically consensual sex! When one of my lovers described sex as communication, I took that concept and ran with it. Flowing from discussion, to sex, to artistic expression, to reflection, and again, I keep a sexual dialogue (trialogue?) going. Sometimes a simple, frank conversation can open doors. Also, as a genderqueer person perceived as a bicurious lesbian with biomale lovers, I break boundaries and answer questions - usually with more questions.
Also, I have a blog: http://kkriesel.blogspot.com/
I have an online gallery of my artwork: http://sites.google.com/site/kkrieselart/home
And I write articles for thenewgay.net
3. What sort of changes would you like to see in Chicago in regards to sex positivity?
The person who sexually assaulted me did so because she was not sexually aware. She thought that, because we're both females, whatever she did to me could not be sexual. She was also extremely sexually repressed and acted out her lack of self-connection through controlling me.
By taking control of my own sexuality as well as by facilitating discussion and educating others, I am promoting sex positivity as a prevention technique. Sexual taboos and rape culture are two sides of the same coin. Through sex positivity, personal issues of sex-as-control can be resolved through discussion, expression and consensual activities.
Also, gender and sex policing occurs here too often. The concepts of "you are your biology" and "pick a side" (regarding both gender and sexuality) are still rampant and don't help anyone. The lesbian and gay movement has been fighting for so long to be valued as individuals rather than through the sexes involved in relationships - but the social bind between anatomy and destiny is still there. In some circles, there is no room for fluidity. I want to see this policing end, to see individuality and fluidity welcomed and celebrated.
Simply, to break the social taboos over talking about sex, power play, sexual assault, gender and sexuality.
4. Why do you support SlutWalk Chicago?
Firstly, for its initial cause. Rape is rape because it is nonconsensual. A person's garb is not consent. There is no connection between clothing and consent. This ties in to other issues regarding sexual assault: all sexual assault is violent, certain bodies are there for others' taking, etc.
Secondly, to demonstrate my control over my own sexuality. My body is mine, I define it and I choose what to do with it. Should I choose to march in "slutty" clothing, I would be allowing others to see my body, not giving. I would control my 50% of the situation.
Thirdly, in what other way could I walk down the street in lingerie and feel safe?
Friday, April 29, 2011
Yes Means YES!!!
I just finished reading Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power & a World Without Rape, edited by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti. Margaret Cho wrote the introduction, a powerful essay on how just passively consenting to sex isn't enough in our sexual lives (READ IT here: http://lachristagreco.com/2010/08/07/on-consent/). It's a fantastic book of articles, noting how rape and sexual assault/coercion and the taboo of women's sexuality are two sides of the same coin. Most of the contributors have experienced sexual trauma and wrote about opening up a more sexual, sensual, respectful culture. Some of them articulated the connection between sexual trauma and sex-positive activism, and for others it was unstated but obvious.
Of course, this has lead me to analyze (overanalyze) my current sexual life in light of my resurfaced sexual trauma. People keep asking me if I'm queer/lesbian/bi because of my childhood sexual assault. NO and that's the wrong question! Am I a proud, queer sexual being because of that trauma? Yes and no. I had been wanting a more sensual life long before those memories were triggered, so my libido is unrelated to the trauma. Now that I'm consciously navigating the role of that assault in my life while I'm slutting it up, the boundary blurs. Awareness of consent heightens my experiences now.
I agree with the authors of Yes Means Yes in that more than just consent is necessasry, though. ENTHUSIASTIC consent, respect, communication, self-awareness, responsibility, play, desire, etc. It's the difference between "ok" and "YES YES YES!!" Knowing the value of these things in my experiences, that my partners value them too, and that I have complete control over my 50% all enhance my ethically slutty life now. That's a great book too!
And what's really mind-boggling is that the sexual assault that happened to me as a child wouldn't have happened (probably) had the perpetrator been sexually aware. She had no idea that what she was doing was sexual because anything other than penile-vaginal sex was entirely unknown. Had she been sexually aware, maybe she would have reconsidered what she did to me. Clearly, this doesn't make it ok.
Of course, this has lead me to analyze (overanalyze) my current sexual life in light of my resurfaced sexual trauma. People keep asking me if I'm queer/lesbian/bi because of my childhood sexual assault. NO and that's the wrong question! Am I a proud, queer sexual being because of that trauma? Yes and no. I had been wanting a more sensual life long before those memories were triggered, so my libido is unrelated to the trauma. Now that I'm consciously navigating the role of that assault in my life while I'm slutting it up, the boundary blurs. Awareness of consent heightens my experiences now.
I agree with the authors of Yes Means Yes in that more than just consent is necessasry, though. ENTHUSIASTIC consent, respect, communication, self-awareness, responsibility, play, desire, etc. It's the difference between "ok" and "YES YES YES!!" Knowing the value of these things in my experiences, that my partners value them too, and that I have complete control over my 50% all enhance my ethically slutty life now. That's a great book too!
And what's really mind-boggling is that the sexual assault that happened to me as a child wouldn't have happened (probably) had the perpetrator been sexually aware. She had no idea that what she was doing was sexual because anything other than penile-vaginal sex was entirely unknown. Had she been sexually aware, maybe she would have reconsidered what she did to me. Clearly, this doesn't make it ok.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The Impact of Background
There is apparently a popular Irish joke of this guy coming to a roadblock during The Troubles. The militants at the roadblock as him his religion and he says "atheist." The militants talk amongst themselves, then ask him "Protestant atheist or Catholic atheist?" It may be a sad joke but it sums up how important one's background is. A Protestant atheist (an atheist of a Protestant background) would have different values, at least when it comes to disbelieving, than a Catholic atheist. And a Hindu atheist would be radically different! Where you come from, no matter how far away you are from it, affects how you approach things now.
The impact of background affects more than just religion, it works with fluid gender and sexual orientation. I strongly identify as genderqueer and my background of woman/lesbian affects my approach today, so I'm most accurately a female-to-queer. Had I come from the background of a man, I'd approach things differently. Coming from an intersexed or gender-free background would have been...optimal. Anyway, I'm usually most comfortable with feminine pronouns, the women's washroom, etc. because I'm used to it. Sometimes I'm frustrated that there are too few non-binary options; it's frustrating enough being perceived as a woman in the first place since this isn't exactly an egalitarian culture! A lot of transsexuals who "successfully pass" experience culture shock as they have to change how they approach things.
I'm usually comfortable functioning as a lesbian since that's my background and it's a lot easier to give the short answer "I'm a dyke" to n00bs than the long explanation "I'm genderqueer and I'm primarily attracted to fellow genderqueers...oh, you haven't heard the term before...etc." And then they get confused when I ogle Chris Colfer...I mean...what?
The impact of background affects more than just religion, it works with fluid gender and sexual orientation. I strongly identify as genderqueer and my background of woman/lesbian affects my approach today, so I'm most accurately a female-to-queer. Had I come from the background of a man, I'd approach things differently. Coming from an intersexed or gender-free background would have been...optimal. Anyway, I'm usually most comfortable with feminine pronouns, the women's washroom, etc. because I'm used to it. Sometimes I'm frustrated that there are too few non-binary options; it's frustrating enough being perceived as a woman in the first place since this isn't exactly an egalitarian culture! A lot of transsexuals who "successfully pass" experience culture shock as they have to change how they approach things.
I'm usually comfortable functioning as a lesbian since that's my background and it's a lot easier to give the short answer "I'm a dyke" to n00bs than the long explanation "I'm genderqueer and I'm primarily attracted to fellow genderqueers...oh, you haven't heard the term before...etc." And then they get confused when I ogle Chris Colfer...I mean...what?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Class
Everything is tied into class. EVERYTHING. Race, gender, sexuality, ability, etc. are all ways of categorizing people into different classes = the haves and the have-nots.
There's even a theory on the classism between MySpace and facebook. Facebook began as a college alum networking tool (CLASSISM ALL OVER THE PLACE) and then gradually expanded. As facebook exploded, MySpace became, well, "ghetto"-ized. Look for yourself; there's no way Tila Tequila could have ever become the queen of facebook. There have been suggestions that Twitter is the next facebook...will the internet gentrify?!?!?
Exceptional education is what brings about class rebellion. Education proves that the system is anything but "business as usual." When African Americans learned of their history through integrated schools and post-WWII resources, the civil rights movement began. When housewives read The Feminine Mystique, they began to reach for the world beyond the kitchen. And so on. Poor schools give weak education and then stay poor because nobody knows any different. And there are lower-class subcultures that reject education on principle: what good will a degree do you in a factory or on a farm? Time and money are better spent on feeding the family.
A lot of people don't get how queers fit into classism. There are a lot of small ropes that tie the two together rather than one big, obvious thing like race or gender:
- classism involves legacies, generations see very little differences. Queers generally breed less than straight people so we don't really have a legacy to pass on.
- heterosexism, the tool of the upper/ruling class to pass on their legacies, restricts both queers (even liberated straight people) from gaining ground and straight people from breaking the mold.
- the social rules of heterosexism make the differences between their straight followers and us queers as obvious as the differences between race and gender.
American classes are separating, what was once a gradient is becoming black and white. While racial minorities, independent women and queer people might become rich, it's extremely unlikely for any of us to become wealthy or powerful (Chris Rock has already articulated this). Sarah Palin may have power over America's straight, white women but it's the power to keep them quiet rather than mobile.
Awareness of class and privilege is the first step to breaking it down. Voting is not enough.
There's even a theory on the classism between MySpace and facebook. Facebook began as a college alum networking tool (CLASSISM ALL OVER THE PLACE) and then gradually expanded. As facebook exploded, MySpace became, well, "ghetto"-ized. Look for yourself; there's no way Tila Tequila could have ever become the queen of facebook. There have been suggestions that Twitter is the next facebook...will the internet gentrify?!?!?
Exceptional education is what brings about class rebellion. Education proves that the system is anything but "business as usual." When African Americans learned of their history through integrated schools and post-WWII resources, the civil rights movement began. When housewives read The Feminine Mystique, they began to reach for the world beyond the kitchen. And so on. Poor schools give weak education and then stay poor because nobody knows any different. And there are lower-class subcultures that reject education on principle: what good will a degree do you in a factory or on a farm? Time and money are better spent on feeding the family.
A lot of people don't get how queers fit into classism. There are a lot of small ropes that tie the two together rather than one big, obvious thing like race or gender:
- classism involves legacies, generations see very little differences. Queers generally breed less than straight people so we don't really have a legacy to pass on.
- heterosexism, the tool of the upper/ruling class to pass on their legacies, restricts both queers (even liberated straight people) from gaining ground and straight people from breaking the mold.
- the social rules of heterosexism make the differences between their straight followers and us queers as obvious as the differences between race and gender.
American classes are separating, what was once a gradient is becoming black and white. While racial minorities, independent women and queer people might become rich, it's extremely unlikely for any of us to become wealthy or powerful (Chris Rock has already articulated this). Sarah Palin may have power over America's straight, white women but it's the power to keep them quiet rather than mobile.
Awareness of class and privilege is the first step to breaking it down. Voting is not enough.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Attraction Terms
The terms "homosexuality," "heterosexuality," and "bisexuality" really don't apply to reality. A vast amount of people have some kind of "same-sex" sexual experience - whether it be actual sex or a crush or a fantasy - and still function as "straight." These terms really only work for the people who use them to malign people. A "same-sex" experience works like the "one-drop rule" of race: just once is enough to change how you're treated.
Apart from the Kinsey-esque proportioning of sexual experience in humans is the difference between genitalia and functioning. When you pass people on the street, you probably have no idea what genitals they have, what chromosomes they have, etc. You probably don't even know your own chromosomes! And you don't know with whom they have sex, about whom they're thinking when they have sex, etc. Biology and actual sex have nothing to do with anything...until you're caught at it.
What really matters, more than biology and more than one's sexual experiences, is how one functions in reality. A masculine, woman-identified female functions very differently from a feminine intersexed person who passes as a woman. And how could you possibly ascribe "homo-", "hetero-" or "bisexual" to either of those people? "Man" and "woman", "male" and "female" not only leave out people who don't fit into those two categories, but they also exclude more finite ways of being that affect people in more significant ways.
Just three terms aren't enough to cover everyone...but the government, military, religious institutions, advertising agencies, and many others in positions of power use those three terms - if we're lucky - and two terms of sex/gender. In reality, these terms mean very little. Hell, the handkerchief-flagging system is more efficient than check-boxes!
Apart from the Kinsey-esque proportioning of sexual experience in humans is the difference between genitalia and functioning. When you pass people on the street, you probably have no idea what genitals they have, what chromosomes they have, etc. You probably don't even know your own chromosomes! And you don't know with whom they have sex, about whom they're thinking when they have sex, etc. Biology and actual sex have nothing to do with anything...until you're caught at it.
What really matters, more than biology and more than one's sexual experiences, is how one functions in reality. A masculine, woman-identified female functions very differently from a feminine intersexed person who passes as a woman. And how could you possibly ascribe "homo-", "hetero-" or "bisexual" to either of those people? "Man" and "woman", "male" and "female" not only leave out people who don't fit into those two categories, but they also exclude more finite ways of being that affect people in more significant ways.
Just three terms aren't enough to cover everyone...but the government, military, religious institutions, advertising agencies, and many others in positions of power use those three terms - if we're lucky - and two terms of sex/gender. In reality, these terms mean very little. Hell, the handkerchief-flagging system is more efficient than check-boxes!
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