Over the past 10 weeks I have been involved in a Catholic parish through attending Mass, talking with parishioners after service, participating in a Pastoral Plan Listening Session, meeting with two spiritual directors, and joining a theology discussion group. Finding a Catholic community that values hospitality was a long and difficult struggle. My enjoyment of this one is mingled with hesitation that it may all crumble into more of the same shame-focused elitism I'd found at other parishes over the past 3 years.
A significant portion of this hesitation roots in my sexual activity. The vast majority of parishioners are married parents, and the few single members I've met seek to join them. I've been open about my intention to continue "single" and childfree to no response, I think they either don't know how to react to that or just see it as none of their business (hopefully the latter). What I haven't revealed, though, is that I'm polyamorous. It hasn't come up in context. Sex & sexuality, in fact, haven't come up at all. Which is both a relief and frustrating - I prefer being casually open altogether. Neither my sexuality, nor my focus on sex ed, nor my polyamory play a large role in my spirituality; which only baffles me further when religious communities use those standards for judgement.
Contingent with my hesitation to be open about my polyamory is the wealth of the parishioners. Every Sunday the church's parking lot fills with BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, Audi, all new. I've been to two parishioners' houses and was stunned at the luxury. Infinity pools! 4 car garages! Stunning views of suburban Texas hillcountry! Marble countertops, multiple fireplaces, second story balconies, full wine racks, cathedral windows, oriental rugs. It's made me reconsider my material wealth. Although I'm not in a place to give financially, I've begun seeking out ways to give my time.
Sidenote: growing up Catholic in the MidWest, I saw dirt poor parishes and incredibly wealthy parishes and everything in between. Both blue collar and immigrant parishes were commonplace. Here in Austin, all Anglo parishes I've found have been white collar upper class - the only others are Latino, and I admit fault for knowing very little about them as I know almost no Spanish. Anyway, maybe the parishioners' wealth here is so obvious to me because it's so uniform.
The idea that I would be shamed for my sexual activity when I share the pew with those who live with such incredible material wealth is chafing. I haven't been to Confession in 16 years and this disparity is a new reason to avoid it further. I'm honest, open, and safe with my lovers: nobody is hurt (and there's nothing anyone can say to convince me that we're "hurting our souls"). But when I see that wealth, I see food withheld from the hungry, shelter withheld from the homeless, medicine withheld from the sick, and justice withheld from the imprisoned. And yet big names in the Church condemn my actions first. It remains to be seen whether or not this parish with join them, or if they'll continue to try to meet me where I am.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
God vs. Humankind
I've written before about the abusive parish in which I was raised. In the years after I left that parish, I was very angry at God. How could God allow such horrible cruelties, especially upon children? How could these Christians preach about compassion and divine love out in public, but in private lock children in their basements without food or make children kneel on broken glass? In my mind, largely because these abusers had told me so for so long and so violently, there was no distinction between God and them.
Although my relationship with the Divine continued, it was very narrowly compartmentalized. MY God was loving and giving and powerful, THEIR God was malicious and preyed upon the weak. Great pains were taken to differentiate myself from organized religion altogether. Anger, obsessive defensiveness, and passive aggressive vengeance dominated this time.
After college, I mended my relationship with a whole God by separating God from humankind altogether. This was when the healing process went from painful to soothing. All the boundaries began to fall between God and I. Could this have been done if I hadn't put up such a large wall between other people and us? Probably not, as at that time the only people I knew who were interested in spirituality at all were very aggressive anti-theists. Ultimately, I wasn't going to allow anyone to damage the new, awe-inspiring relationship I had with God. And the most direct and effective way to do that was to separate God from humankind altogether.
That doesn't seem to be working as well anymore. The need for spiritual community has arisen regularly for the past few years, only to fade away as I refused to make myself that vulnerable again. Now that I'm seeking and finding community, though, I'm questioning if that boundary should still remain up. The last thing I want to do is to let down my barriers only to have someone or a group of someones give me good reason to put them back up again. As to seeing God present in any human being, that is a long way off yet.
Although my relationship with the Divine continued, it was very narrowly compartmentalized. MY God was loving and giving and powerful, THEIR God was malicious and preyed upon the weak. Great pains were taken to differentiate myself from organized religion altogether. Anger, obsessive defensiveness, and passive aggressive vengeance dominated this time.
After college, I mended my relationship with a whole God by separating God from humankind altogether. This was when the healing process went from painful to soothing. All the boundaries began to fall between God and I. Could this have been done if I hadn't put up such a large wall between other people and us? Probably not, as at that time the only people I knew who were interested in spirituality at all were very aggressive anti-theists. Ultimately, I wasn't going to allow anyone to damage the new, awe-inspiring relationship I had with God. And the most direct and effective way to do that was to separate God from humankind altogether.
That doesn't seem to be working as well anymore. The need for spiritual community has arisen regularly for the past few years, only to fade away as I refused to make myself that vulnerable again. Now that I'm seeking and finding community, though, I'm questioning if that boundary should still remain up. The last thing I want to do is to let down my barriers only to have someone or a group of someones give me good reason to put them back up again. As to seeing God present in any human being, that is a long way off yet.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Pastoral Plan Listening Session
The parish I've been visiting the past four weeks had a Pastoral Plan Listening Session a few days ago. This was a meeting in which lay parishioners could give their feedback to a pastoral council about things they like about the parish and things they want changed. I haven't been there long enough to contribute in great detail, but since I have the freshest impression they wanted me to communicate it with them. They requested an email, as long as I wanted, and I thought I would share it here (edited to leave out personal details):
Greetings,
I attended the Pastoral Plan Listening Session at St. ... the evening of Tuesday, May 31st. I had to leave early, but the facilitator at my small group table encouraged me to email my feedback.
Firstly, I'll introduce myself and give you some idea of my background. My name is K, I am 30 years old, I am both single and childfree and have no intentions of changing that. I earned my bachelor's degree at an all-women's Franciscan college in Milwaukee, I graduated from a Jesuit high school in a Chicago suburb, and I attended a so-called Catholic K-8 school in Chicago. It was only when I graduated from this K-8 school, when the Church sex abuse scandal was beginning to hit the mainstream news, that I discovered that this school was not alone in its abuses and that it wasn't part of the Chicago Archdiocese. Because the school was so cruel and extreme in both doctrine and practice, the Chicago Archdiocese refused to include it among its parishes. Although I left the Church personally when I left that school, the Jesuits and Franciscan nuns worked very hard to help me heal and to understand that the cruelties of the abusers were not the acts of God.
Roughly four years ago I began returning to the Church very gradually. Initially, my reasoning was that if there is going to be a certain amount of my life spent in Mass, I don't want the majority of that time to have been spent under the control of those abusers. I began returning to Mass in order to tip the scales, and through that healing process the priority became ... finding a community that is spiritually connected. This has proven to be very difficult.
At the Pastoral Plan Listening Session, I both explained to the facilitator and wrote on my worksheet that what has stood out most to me at St. ... is the hospitality. Although I have lived in Austin for a little over a year, ... I attended Mass at five or six churches in the Austin Diocese before going to St. .... At those other churches, either nobody spoke to me or I was given a book/pamphlet and told "this will tell you everything you need to know about X parish" and that was it. My first time at St. ... was morning Mass 5/2/16 and as soon as the service ended and I walked through the narthex, a parishioner introduced herself and shook my hand. Before moving to Austin, I explored parishes in Nashville and Milwaukee as well as Quaker meetings and American Catholic churches - St. ... was only the third place in which anyone extended this hospitality, and the first Roman Catholic parish.
Greetings,
I attended the Pastoral Plan Listening Session at St. ... the evening of Tuesday, May 31st. I had to leave early, but the facilitator at my small group table encouraged me to email my feedback.
Firstly, I'll introduce myself and give you some idea of my background. My name is K, I am 30 years old, I am both single and childfree and have no intentions of changing that. I earned my bachelor's degree at an all-women's Franciscan college in Milwaukee, I graduated from a Jesuit high school in a Chicago suburb, and I attended a so-called Catholic K-8 school in Chicago. It was only when I graduated from this K-8 school, when the Church sex abuse scandal was beginning to hit the mainstream news, that I discovered that this school was not alone in its abuses and that it wasn't part of the Chicago Archdiocese. Because the school was so cruel and extreme in both doctrine and practice, the Chicago Archdiocese refused to include it among its parishes. Although I left the Church personally when I left that school, the Jesuits and Franciscan nuns worked very hard to help me heal and to understand that the cruelties of the abusers were not the acts of God.
Roughly four years ago I began returning to the Church very gradually. Initially, my reasoning was that if there is going to be a certain amount of my life spent in Mass, I don't want the majority of that time to have been spent under the control of those abusers. I began returning to Mass in order to tip the scales, and through that healing process the priority became ... finding a community that is spiritually connected. This has proven to be very difficult.
At the Pastoral Plan Listening Session, I both explained to the facilitator and wrote on my worksheet that what has stood out most to me at St. ... is the hospitality. Although I have lived in Austin for a little over a year, ... I attended Mass at five or six churches in the Austin Diocese before going to St. .... At those other churches, either nobody spoke to me or I was given a book/pamphlet and told "this will tell you everything you need to know about X parish" and that was it. My first time at St. ... was morning Mass 5/2/16 and as soon as the service ended and I walked through the narthex, a parishioner introduced herself and shook my hand. Before moving to Austin, I explored parishes in Nashville and Milwaukee as well as Quaker meetings and American Catholic churches - St. ... was only the third place in which anyone extended this hospitality, and the first Roman Catholic parish.
After this parishioner introduced herself and asked me a few polite questions, she invited me to Connections and emailed, from her own personal email, me information about the group. I came the the next night and about half of the participants welcomed me in a similar manner. I've attended every Connections meeting I could as well as Sunday Mass. Intellectual discussions pertaining to theology and service are very appealing to me, and I enjoy the exchange of ideas at Connections.
Hospitality has been a remarkable strength of St. ..., as well as its diversity of ministries and the comprehensive information about them provided both on the parish website and at the parish itself. Church life is evident there every day of the week rather than just on Sundays, and that is very refreshing. The one specific thing that comes to mind that St. ... could work on immediately is the website's page about Spiritual Direction & Mentorship. Who are these three directors/mentors? What's their availability? What are their foci? How much do they charge? The webpage says they are trained, but where and through what programs?
A less easily-defined area for growth that I see is St. ... is a very common issue in the Catholic community as a whole in America. Although both the parishioners at Mass and the group at Connections have been very welcoming and friendly and nonjudgemental (save for one lady's claim that the devil uses disloyal Catholics to tear down decent Catholic communities, but there's one sourpuss in every crowd), I am among the youngest participants and I think the only unmarried and childfree women. I am a "Millennial," alone as far as I know in the community I've found at St. .... Forbes, the NY Times, Psychology Today, The Atlantic, and dozens of other distinguished publications have all connected several trends among my generation. We postpone marriage and parenthood, many rejecting both altogether, and view chastisement for these decisions as disingenuous, unsolicited judgements. We also participate the least in religious communities, by the widest margin yet recorded. Most of these listed publications have noted connections between these trends. The overall pattern thusfar is that we reject the idea of following tradition for tradition's sake - this is evident in home life, business, economics, and religion. The phrase "spiritual but not religious" is a concise summarization of "I want a connection with God but don't want to blindly follow arbitrary rules set by authorities who don't listen to their flocks." While some of the biggest reasons my peers have given for leaving the Church are political, I will not get into that. The political disagreement, anyway, is part of a bigger issue. The average middle-class Millennial who got good grades, participated in extracurriculars, had a good GPA at a good college or university, and followed the prearranged track to marriage + mortgage + children, ultimately graduated during the Recession. Following prearranged rules "for your own good" ended up in debt and worthless degrees. And on top of that, the average middle-class Millennial raised Catholic was Confirmed right around the time of the mishandling of the Church sex abuse scandal. The 2000's were a terrible time to come to adulthood, and most of those who had that misfortune have now come to reject what they see as unfounded authority altogether - the Church being at the top of that list.
Religious communities, especially Catholic and Mainline Protestant as they have lost the most followers among Millennials, have been trying to figure out why so many 25-35 year olds have been leaving and how to get them back again. Those who do stay tend to be very passionate and active, the Easter/Christmas church-goer may well be on the way out with older generations. Although my K-8 experience was a very extreme example, most of my peers have experienced similar painful disillusionment with their childhood parishes. They also haven't had my Jesuits and Franciscan nuns to show them that both compassion and sincerity are still present in the Church. Were it not for those two groups in my life, seeking out a parish community and discovering St. ... never would have happened.
The author Kaya Oakes has perhaps done the most comprehensive journalism regarding the Millennials' split with the Church. I highly recommend reading both her books Radical Reinvention(https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13239764-radical-reinvention) and The Nones Are Alright(https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/27397708-the-nones-are-alright) with an open mind. Very many churches, particularly Evangelical Protestants, have attempted commercial advertising in order to bring in the missing generation - this has backfired, as advertisements are typically viewed as insincere. Do not assume that poor hospitality is a deterrent, as most Millennials don't even make it to the step of parish shopping. Because most "recovering Catholics" my age see the Church as a cold, monolithic authority that gives its services only unreasonably conditionally, more subversive tactics may be needed. Be active in needy communities, listen nonjudgementally, and display compassion modestly. Matthew 6:1-8 and the Beatitudes in action would make a greater impression that could open an intergenerational dialogue. Most of my friends think I'm nuts for having any interest in the Church, especially considering my childhood parish, because they haven't experienced the compassion and listening that I have. I've already seen the potential for this at St. ... and while it's maybe a little unreasonable (maybe not, God works in mysterious ways!) to expect this parish to overcome the generational trend of the western world, helping even a few individuals heal the right could mean the world to them.
Something else that I would like to see both at St. ... and in the Austin Diocese as a whole is more interfaith networking. Whether this takes form in discussion forums, visits from neighboring pastors/priests/monks/rabbis/imams/etc, joint community service events, etc. I'm acquainted with the Society of Friends Meeting of Austin and while Quaker and Roman Catholic doctrine could not be more different, both communities seek to spread Christ through service to the needy. Not to mention that connecting members of different faith traditions decreases the frequency of hate crimes, which have been on the rise in the past few years nationally. I see interfaith networking as a wonderful bridge to a larger, closer, more compassionate community.
I realize that my background is very unique to St. ..., my parish ideals are individualistic, and that I am in many ways unlike the St. ... community. It would be unreasonable to expect any parish to change to fit the needs of one person, especially one without children and who doesn't plan to stay in the area for more than a couple years. But what both welcomes and keeps quality parishioners above all else is sincerity. Thusfar St. ... seems sincere in its efforts and values, as highlighted by holding the open Pastoral Plan Listening Sessions and asking for this kind of feedback.
Thank you very much, and I hope to hear back from you,
K
Hospitality has been a remarkable strength of St. ..., as well as its diversity of ministries and the comprehensive information about them provided both on the parish website and at the parish itself. Church life is evident there every day of the week rather than just on Sundays, and that is very refreshing. The one specific thing that comes to mind that St. ... could work on immediately is the website's page about Spiritual Direction & Mentorship. Who are these three directors/mentors? What's their availability? What are their foci? How much do they charge? The webpage says they are trained, but where and through what programs?
A less easily-defined area for growth that I see is St. ... is a very common issue in the Catholic community as a whole in America. Although both the parishioners at Mass and the group at Connections have been very welcoming and friendly and nonjudgemental (save for one lady's claim that the devil uses disloyal Catholics to tear down decent Catholic communities, but there's one sourpuss in every crowd), I am among the youngest participants and I think the only unmarried and childfree women. I am a "Millennial," alone as far as I know in the community I've found at St. .... Forbes, the NY Times, Psychology Today, The Atlantic, and dozens of other distinguished publications have all connected several trends among my generation. We postpone marriage and parenthood, many rejecting both altogether, and view chastisement for these decisions as disingenuous, unsolicited judgements. We also participate the least in religious communities, by the widest margin yet recorded. Most of these listed publications have noted connections between these trends. The overall pattern thusfar is that we reject the idea of following tradition for tradition's sake - this is evident in home life, business, economics, and religion. The phrase "spiritual but not religious" is a concise summarization of "I want a connection with God but don't want to blindly follow arbitrary rules set by authorities who don't listen to their flocks." While some of the biggest reasons my peers have given for leaving the Church are political, I will not get into that. The political disagreement, anyway, is part of a bigger issue. The average middle-class Millennial who got good grades, participated in extracurriculars, had a good GPA at a good college or university, and followed the prearranged track to marriage + mortgage + children, ultimately graduated during the Recession. Following prearranged rules "for your own good" ended up in debt and worthless degrees. And on top of that, the average middle-class Millennial raised Catholic was Confirmed right around the time of the mishandling of the Church sex abuse scandal. The 2000's were a terrible time to come to adulthood, and most of those who had that misfortune have now come to reject what they see as unfounded authority altogether - the Church being at the top of that list.
Religious communities, especially Catholic and Mainline Protestant as they have lost the most followers among Millennials, have been trying to figure out why so many 25-35 year olds have been leaving and how to get them back again. Those who do stay tend to be very passionate and active, the Easter/Christmas church-goer may well be on the way out with older generations. Although my K-8 experience was a very extreme example, most of my peers have experienced similar painful disillusionment with their childhood parishes. They also haven't had my Jesuits and Franciscan nuns to show them that both compassion and sincerity are still present in the Church. Were it not for those two groups in my life, seeking out a parish community and discovering St. ... never would have happened.
The author Kaya Oakes has perhaps done the most comprehensive journalism regarding the Millennials' split with the Church. I highly recommend reading both her books Radical Reinvention(https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13239764-radical-reinvention) and The Nones Are Alright(https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/27397708-the-nones-are-alright) with an open mind. Very many churches, particularly Evangelical Protestants, have attempted commercial advertising in order to bring in the missing generation - this has backfired, as advertisements are typically viewed as insincere. Do not assume that poor hospitality is a deterrent, as most Millennials don't even make it to the step of parish shopping. Because most "recovering Catholics" my age see the Church as a cold, monolithic authority that gives its services only unreasonably conditionally, more subversive tactics may be needed. Be active in needy communities, listen nonjudgementally, and display compassion modestly. Matthew 6:1-8 and the Beatitudes in action would make a greater impression that could open an intergenerational dialogue. Most of my friends think I'm nuts for having any interest in the Church, especially considering my childhood parish, because they haven't experienced the compassion and listening that I have. I've already seen the potential for this at St. ... and while it's maybe a little unreasonable (maybe not, God works in mysterious ways!) to expect this parish to overcome the generational trend of the western world, helping even a few individuals heal the right could mean the world to them.
Something else that I would like to see both at St. ... and in the Austin Diocese as a whole is more interfaith networking. Whether this takes form in discussion forums, visits from neighboring pastors/priests/monks/rabbis/imams/etc, joint community service events, etc. I'm acquainted with the Society of Friends Meeting of Austin and while Quaker and Roman Catholic doctrine could not be more different, both communities seek to spread Christ through service to the needy. Not to mention that connecting members of different faith traditions decreases the frequency of hate crimes, which have been on the rise in the past few years nationally. I see interfaith networking as a wonderful bridge to a larger, closer, more compassionate community.
I realize that my background is very unique to St. ..., my parish ideals are individualistic, and that I am in many ways unlike the St. ... community. It would be unreasonable to expect any parish to change to fit the needs of one person, especially one without children and who doesn't plan to stay in the area for more than a couple years. But what both welcomes and keeps quality parishioners above all else is sincerity. Thusfar St. ... seems sincere in its efforts and values, as highlighted by holding the open Pastoral Plan Listening Sessions and asking for this kind of feedback.
Thank you very much, and I hope to hear back from you,
K
Sunday, December 14, 2014
More Shadow Work
Sometimes the shadow self, or even the inner child, can resist intimacy. A history of being too hard on yourself, ignoring your undesirable (or even desirable or neutral) aspects, or perfectionism will need practice, time, patience, and compassion to alter. It sounds cheesy, but focusing on the "control" in "self-control" deprives the "self."
I've found several guided meditations that involve imagining and analyzing both the shadow self and the inner child. Most of these are beneficial, as there might be underlying symbolism and it can be easier to communicate with something that has a face than with something ethereal and vague. But then these meditations often instruct hugging, comforting, melding with, or invading the safehaven of the shadow self or inner child. Even though these are all parts of oneself, these meditative acts can feel invasive. This is especially true if your conscious or "light" self have a history of self-berating or idealization or denial.
With the understanding that there are the inner child, the shadow self, and the light self, it's possible to discern a continuum. The inner child might have grown more into one self than the other. At some point, a division occurred - this isn't the snapping of a twig, more like a treetrunk dividing as it grows. If the inner child grew into the shadow self and your light self developed later on, what created it? If the inner child grew into the light self and your shadow self feels like a parasitic vestige, what's made it develop? And if the inner child seems equal in both the shadow and light selves, when did the disparity begin?
Go back to what made that split. Was it a traumatic event? The leaving from a long-term traumatic situation? A benevolent or cruel new person or influence? The inner child, shadow self, and inner self are all interconnected - find where their roots come together. That is a starting point for intrapersonal bonding, communication, and healing.
I've found several guided meditations that involve imagining and analyzing both the shadow self and the inner child. Most of these are beneficial, as there might be underlying symbolism and it can be easier to communicate with something that has a face than with something ethereal and vague. But then these meditations often instruct hugging, comforting, melding with, or invading the safehaven of the shadow self or inner child. Even though these are all parts of oneself, these meditative acts can feel invasive. This is especially true if your conscious or "light" self have a history of self-berating or idealization or denial.
With the understanding that there are the inner child, the shadow self, and the light self, it's possible to discern a continuum. The inner child might have grown more into one self than the other. At some point, a division occurred - this isn't the snapping of a twig, more like a treetrunk dividing as it grows. If the inner child grew into the shadow self and your light self developed later on, what created it? If the inner child grew into the light self and your shadow self feels like a parasitic vestige, what's made it develop? And if the inner child seems equal in both the shadow and light selves, when did the disparity begin?
Go back to what made that split. Was it a traumatic event? The leaving from a long-term traumatic situation? A benevolent or cruel new person or influence? The inner child, shadow self, and inner self are all interconnected - find where their roots come together. That is a starting point for intrapersonal bonding, communication, and healing.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Big Post on Shadow Work
Shadow Work is intrapersonal work on analyzing the negative aspects of oneself, learning how to accept them, and harmonizing them with positive and neutral aspects. This isn't berating or fixing or glorifying. We all have negative aspects of ourselves, destructive or greedy or envious or proud or ashamed and it's very tempting to either sweep them under a rug or drown them or even to put them on a pedestal. None of that is healthy, it's like a house with a divided foundation. The shadow self is compost for personal growth - it's not pretty, it smells bad, it takes up a lot of time and space, but patiently working with it allows for beautiful things.
If you've seen/read Scott Pilgrim, you may remember that the protagonist confronts Nega-Scott, his shadow self. It kicks his ass repeatedly and he keeps either running from it or trying to destroy it - Scott's victory isn't getting the girl or defeating the bad guy, it's making peace with Nega-Scott. Another book by the author, Bryan Lee O'Malley, called Seconds, has a similar theme. The protagonists in both these stories keep tripping over their own feet and getting in their own way until they find personal harmony. This is done by approaching the shadow self honestly and openly, utilizing intrapersonal communication, and choosing to make a present different from the past.
Shadow Work can be done through many psychological techniques: journaling, meditating, interviewing oneself, art therapy, visualization. Many people also use metaphysical techniques such as Tarot and poppets. Make no mistake, these may seem like delicate strategies - but approaching (not confronting!) the undesirable parts of oneself is very difficult and painful work. This is particularly true for people who have been abused and/or traumatized. Seeing a therapist in conjunction with these exercises is a good idea, and it's completely okay to take a break if the work is too painful right now. Shadow Work isn't something to do during a traumatic event and definitely isn't helped by drugs or alcohol as internal stability and clarity are needed (if that only happens during therapy, see if your therapist would be open to doing this with you. Or maybe a trusted friend or relative). Be gentle with yourself and practice self-care while doing these - I'm listening to John Denver and James Taylor right now because I'm a big dork ;)
Here are some exercises I've found:
1) Create (draw, paint, embroider, etc) an image of your shadow self. Don't worry about artistic ability, that isn't the point of this. Even if you just smudge a sad blue blob with some sidewalk chalk, putting an image or even a series of images can be very revealing and easier to approach the shadow self. Here is a video about this exercise (this is a great video altogether, but the details of this exercise begins at 4:00). Be patient with yourself while creating this image, and then look at it peacefully when you're ready. Is it scary? Vulnerable? Heartbreaking? See if there are any colors that remind you of anything (the skin I painted on my image is the color of the carpet of my mother's house, which was completely unintended), analyze how big the image is compared to the size of the paper.
2) Interviewing or interrogating the shadow self. One technique of this is described in that same video above at 5:55. Another way of doing this, instead of back-and-forth interviewing, would be freewriting. Relax, drink some water or tea, find a space away from others (unless having a therapist/friend/relative around would be better). Some people prefer writing by hand and others typing, but just write for a set amount of time (one minute, five minutes) or until you're done. Don't think about it, don't edit, don't read until it's finished. Sometimes this takes practice, maybe at first you'll think about it too much to let go.
A cousin of mine lent me a wonderful book about freewriting when I was 15 and I did all the exercises very enthusiastically. But doing it was making me angry all the time and I couldn't stop the bile from spilling out over everything now that I had started to dredge it up. Eventually I realized this was happening because I was living in a dangerous, abusive situation and couldn't do anything about it - freewriting was revealing to me that I wasn't healthy and I had no control over my life, and more importantly that I had squelched myself down in order to function. I had every right to be angry. But trying to change my situation only made it more dangerous. I had to stop freewriting so that I could survive. If you do this - or any - exercise and discover this is happening to you, it's okay to stop. If you begin to realize through Shadow Work that you're in an abusive situation, get to someplace safe before continuing!
3) Approach the fear. Your shadow self is probably afraid of something, something big and maybe something vague. Chances are that some experience has confirmed this fear at least once. Try to figure out a way to approach that fear - not conquer. Beating your shadow self over the head with what it fears won't help. Start small, like if you fear being perceived as poor then volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter one afternoon. Patience and compassion will help. Of course this is easier said than done, as the very idea of the smallest step towards my fears makes me want to run away.
4) Is your shadow self using someone else's voice? Remove others' voices layer by layer - this takes practice. One method I use is whenever my inner critic takes on a past abuser's voice, I say out loud (provided I'm alone) "thank you for your opinion, you may go now. Goodbye!" Find your shadow self's actual voice, it's probably much smaller than you'd think.
If someone or a group of people have contributed greatly to your shadow self, write a letter to them. Not a letter to send, just get out everything stewing around in you that you might want to say to them. If you're feeling too much to write coherently, scream into a pillow. It's easier to write a letter or scream at a contributor after you separate them from your own voice.
Write a letter to your shadow self if you'd like. Be gentle, don't berate. Shadow Work is for understanding and reconciliation, not fixing or cutting off.
5) Go somewhere with your shadow self, take a walk or see a movie or even take yourself on a date. I find that I feel more stagnant and claustrophobic whenever a few weeks go by without me exploring somewhere new or going for a long hike. Fears, self-criticism, impatience, and boredom take up more mental space when I don't make the time to expand my worldview through hiking and travel. Take your shadow self on a small vacation alone (if possible/desirable) and all of you will feel a burden lifted.
6) A meditation I do roughly once every other week, usually whenever I go hiking, is something I call Cleaning the Carrion. When the shadow self is in disharmony with other parts of oneself, it infects those other parts. Bad habits form (procrastination is #1!!), irritability, spiritual disconnection, even physical problems like fatigue and headaches. Patiently and gently amend those while working on your relationship with your shadow self. I find that it's easier to fix those bad habits when I do the Cleaning the Carrion meditation. This is pretty graphic so you don't have to do this or you could even skip reading the rest of this bulletpoint: I imagine my flesh rotting away and eaten up by maggots and vultures until only my skeleton is left. The skeleton is the shadow self, picked clean of infection. From there, forming new growth is easier.
7) Find the pattern. Sometimes it feels like the shadow self takes control - lashing out, pushing people away, manipulating, debilitating depression, problems eating, etc. Chances are that you have some internal red flags before this happens. I always have the same dream before a flareup and only through Shadow Work have I managed to notice the pattern, figure out what it means, and work towards changing it. Your shadow self will probably tell you what it wants or what's stirring it up before it takes over. Figuring out its triggers and patterns will enable communication and ways to work cohesively as a more whole person.
8) Don't force self-love. When I was a kid, my mother forced me to hug people whether or not I wanted to, whether or not I even knew who they were, whether they had been ignoring me or screaming at me or pinching me. It wasn't until a few years ago when a cousin of mine asked his toddler whether or not he wanted to hug me, and then said it was ok that he didn't, that I had even ever remembered that. Forcing a kid to hug someone they don't want to, especially someone they're afraid of, tells them that their fear and consent are invalid.
Forcing self-love right away only reinforces the shadow self's fear/animosity. A cat is more inclined to nuzzle your hand when you let it approach you, not the other way around. Clean away the carrion, communicate, and analyze your shadow self. Bruises and wounds need to heal, we need to learn to trust our own selves, before we can fully embrace ourselves. Accepting the shadow self means accepting that it will welcome self-love when it's ready.
9) Word maps. The #1 word I would apply to my shadow self is fragile. Think of a word to associate with your shadow self. Then think of the opposite, what feels the opposite, a word to summarize your "light" self. If your first impulse is "good," that's ok but that is not the opposite. The opposite of shadow is light, not good. The opposite of fragile, as I feel it, is ambitious - these are emotional opposites, not antonyms. Come up with other words and notice other opposites, like the opposite of comfort feels like shame. Which ones do your selves have in common, if any?
10) Woo (I absolutely loathe that term even though I think it's necessary in order to talk about how we approach "metaphysical" practices today). Hypnosis, astral travel, Tarot, prayer, ritual, etc. It is not my place to discuss how "real" these things are or aren't, in fact I don't know if that's something anyone can really claim or disclaim. But what matters here is that these practices can have beneficial effects for some people, and there is no shame in trying any of them out. I do Tarot readings as a nonverbal intrapersonal communication tool and even though I don't believe in fortune telling or psychic abilities (though I'm open to them) it is a form of personal therapy not much different from painting or hiking. I've done a few Tarot readings for other people too, which I really enjoy and those friends have gotten both interesting ideas and reassurance out of them.
Links:
http://duskenpath.blogspot.com/2012/02/late-musings-monday-on-shadow-work.html
http://duskenpath.blogspot.com/2013/06/shadow-work-ii-types.html
http://duskenpath.blogspot.com/2013/06/shadow-work-iii-timing.html
http://duskenpath.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-danger-of-losing-touch-shadow-work.html
http://therosebell.wordpress.com/shadow-sundays-archive/
http://grumpylokeanelder.tumblr.com/post/56745980082/on-shadow-work (this has an important point related to #8. There are meditations to "go to where your shadow self dwells." I don't know how to else to describe it, but this can feel like trespassing where one isn't welcome yet. Even though it's all within yourself. Again, be patient and don't force self-love)
http://thefourqueens.blogspot.com/2014/08/shadow-work-afterthoughts.html
http://thefourqueens.blogspot.co.uk/2014/09/self-love-september-embracing-new.html
http://thefourqueens.blogspot.co.uk/2014/09/self-love-september-forgiveness.html (SO GOOD!)
http://thefourqueens.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/goal-setting-planning-and-reviewing.html
Videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JJgHMuSSKg&index=4&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PnpFF5oTmc&index=5&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNyZgdlhlrI&index=6&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHBnGAoKENU&index=7&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvb5vdEl3sw&index=8&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E_QQl9T_wg&index=9&list=WL
If you've seen/read Scott Pilgrim, you may remember that the protagonist confronts Nega-Scott, his shadow self. It kicks his ass repeatedly and he keeps either running from it or trying to destroy it - Scott's victory isn't getting the girl or defeating the bad guy, it's making peace with Nega-Scott. Another book by the author, Bryan Lee O'Malley, called Seconds, has a similar theme. The protagonists in both these stories keep tripping over their own feet and getting in their own way until they find personal harmony. This is done by approaching the shadow self honestly and openly, utilizing intrapersonal communication, and choosing to make a present different from the past.
Shadow Work can be done through many psychological techniques: journaling, meditating, interviewing oneself, art therapy, visualization. Many people also use metaphysical techniques such as Tarot and poppets. Make no mistake, these may seem like delicate strategies - but approaching (not confronting!) the undesirable parts of oneself is very difficult and painful work. This is particularly true for people who have been abused and/or traumatized. Seeing a therapist in conjunction with these exercises is a good idea, and it's completely okay to take a break if the work is too painful right now. Shadow Work isn't something to do during a traumatic event and definitely isn't helped by drugs or alcohol as internal stability and clarity are needed (if that only happens during therapy, see if your therapist would be open to doing this with you. Or maybe a trusted friend or relative). Be gentle with yourself and practice self-care while doing these - I'm listening to John Denver and James Taylor right now because I'm a big dork ;)
Here are some exercises I've found:
1) Create (draw, paint, embroider, etc) an image of your shadow self. Don't worry about artistic ability, that isn't the point of this. Even if you just smudge a sad blue blob with some sidewalk chalk, putting an image or even a series of images can be very revealing and easier to approach the shadow self. Here is a video about this exercise (this is a great video altogether, but the details of this exercise begins at 4:00). Be patient with yourself while creating this image, and then look at it peacefully when you're ready. Is it scary? Vulnerable? Heartbreaking? See if there are any colors that remind you of anything (the skin I painted on my image is the color of the carpet of my mother's house, which was completely unintended), analyze how big the image is compared to the size of the paper.
2) Interviewing or interrogating the shadow self. One technique of this is described in that same video above at 5:55. Another way of doing this, instead of back-and-forth interviewing, would be freewriting. Relax, drink some water or tea, find a space away from others (unless having a therapist/friend/relative around would be better). Some people prefer writing by hand and others typing, but just write for a set amount of time (one minute, five minutes) or until you're done. Don't think about it, don't edit, don't read until it's finished. Sometimes this takes practice, maybe at first you'll think about it too much to let go.
A cousin of mine lent me a wonderful book about freewriting when I was 15 and I did all the exercises very enthusiastically. But doing it was making me angry all the time and I couldn't stop the bile from spilling out over everything now that I had started to dredge it up. Eventually I realized this was happening because I was living in a dangerous, abusive situation and couldn't do anything about it - freewriting was revealing to me that I wasn't healthy and I had no control over my life, and more importantly that I had squelched myself down in order to function. I had every right to be angry. But trying to change my situation only made it more dangerous. I had to stop freewriting so that I could survive. If you do this - or any - exercise and discover this is happening to you, it's okay to stop. If you begin to realize through Shadow Work that you're in an abusive situation, get to someplace safe before continuing!
3) Approach the fear. Your shadow self is probably afraid of something, something big and maybe something vague. Chances are that some experience has confirmed this fear at least once. Try to figure out a way to approach that fear - not conquer. Beating your shadow self over the head with what it fears won't help. Start small, like if you fear being perceived as poor then volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter one afternoon. Patience and compassion will help. Of course this is easier said than done, as the very idea of the smallest step towards my fears makes me want to run away.
4) Is your shadow self using someone else's voice? Remove others' voices layer by layer - this takes practice. One method I use is whenever my inner critic takes on a past abuser's voice, I say out loud (provided I'm alone) "thank you for your opinion, you may go now. Goodbye!" Find your shadow self's actual voice, it's probably much smaller than you'd think.
If someone or a group of people have contributed greatly to your shadow self, write a letter to them. Not a letter to send, just get out everything stewing around in you that you might want to say to them. If you're feeling too much to write coherently, scream into a pillow. It's easier to write a letter or scream at a contributor after you separate them from your own voice.
Write a letter to your shadow self if you'd like. Be gentle, don't berate. Shadow Work is for understanding and reconciliation, not fixing or cutting off.
5) Go somewhere with your shadow self, take a walk or see a movie or even take yourself on a date. I find that I feel more stagnant and claustrophobic whenever a few weeks go by without me exploring somewhere new or going for a long hike. Fears, self-criticism, impatience, and boredom take up more mental space when I don't make the time to expand my worldview through hiking and travel. Take your shadow self on a small vacation alone (if possible/desirable) and all of you will feel a burden lifted.
6) A meditation I do roughly once every other week, usually whenever I go hiking, is something I call Cleaning the Carrion. When the shadow self is in disharmony with other parts of oneself, it infects those other parts. Bad habits form (procrastination is #1!!), irritability, spiritual disconnection, even physical problems like fatigue and headaches. Patiently and gently amend those while working on your relationship with your shadow self. I find that it's easier to fix those bad habits when I do the Cleaning the Carrion meditation. This is pretty graphic so you don't have to do this or you could even skip reading the rest of this bulletpoint: I imagine my flesh rotting away and eaten up by maggots and vultures until only my skeleton is left. The skeleton is the shadow self, picked clean of infection. From there, forming new growth is easier.
7) Find the pattern. Sometimes it feels like the shadow self takes control - lashing out, pushing people away, manipulating, debilitating depression, problems eating, etc. Chances are that you have some internal red flags before this happens. I always have the same dream before a flareup and only through Shadow Work have I managed to notice the pattern, figure out what it means, and work towards changing it. Your shadow self will probably tell you what it wants or what's stirring it up before it takes over. Figuring out its triggers and patterns will enable communication and ways to work cohesively as a more whole person.
8) Don't force self-love. When I was a kid, my mother forced me to hug people whether or not I wanted to, whether or not I even knew who they were, whether they had been ignoring me or screaming at me or pinching me. It wasn't until a few years ago when a cousin of mine asked his toddler whether or not he wanted to hug me, and then said it was ok that he didn't, that I had even ever remembered that. Forcing a kid to hug someone they don't want to, especially someone they're afraid of, tells them that their fear and consent are invalid.
Forcing self-love right away only reinforces the shadow self's fear/animosity. A cat is more inclined to nuzzle your hand when you let it approach you, not the other way around. Clean away the carrion, communicate, and analyze your shadow self. Bruises and wounds need to heal, we need to learn to trust our own selves, before we can fully embrace ourselves. Accepting the shadow self means accepting that it will welcome self-love when it's ready.
9) Word maps. The #1 word I would apply to my shadow self is fragile. Think of a word to associate with your shadow self. Then think of the opposite, what feels the opposite, a word to summarize your "light" self. If your first impulse is "good," that's ok but that is not the opposite. The opposite of shadow is light, not good. The opposite of fragile, as I feel it, is ambitious - these are emotional opposites, not antonyms. Come up with other words and notice other opposites, like the opposite of comfort feels like shame. Which ones do your selves have in common, if any?
10) Woo (I absolutely loathe that term even though I think it's necessary in order to talk about how we approach "metaphysical" practices today). Hypnosis, astral travel, Tarot, prayer, ritual, etc. It is not my place to discuss how "real" these things are or aren't, in fact I don't know if that's something anyone can really claim or disclaim. But what matters here is that these practices can have beneficial effects for some people, and there is no shame in trying any of them out. I do Tarot readings as a nonverbal intrapersonal communication tool and even though I don't believe in fortune telling or psychic abilities (though I'm open to them) it is a form of personal therapy not much different from painting or hiking. I've done a few Tarot readings for other people too, which I really enjoy and those friends have gotten both interesting ideas and reassurance out of them.
Links:
http://duskenpath.blogspot.com/2012/02/late-musings-monday-on-shadow-work.html
http://duskenpath.blogspot.com/2013/06/shadow-work-ii-types.html
http://duskenpath.blogspot.com/2013/06/shadow-work-iii-timing.html
http://duskenpath.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-danger-of-losing-touch-shadow-work.html
http://therosebell.wordpress.com/shadow-sundays-archive/
http://grumpylokeanelder.tumblr.com/post/56745980082/on-shadow-work (this has an important point related to #8. There are meditations to "go to where your shadow self dwells." I don't know how to else to describe it, but this can feel like trespassing where one isn't welcome yet. Even though it's all within yourself. Again, be patient and don't force self-love)
http://thefourqueens.blogspot.com/2014/08/shadow-work-afterthoughts.html
http://thefourqueens.blogspot.co.uk/2014/09/self-love-september-embracing-new.html
http://thefourqueens.blogspot.co.uk/2014/09/self-love-september-forgiveness.html (SO GOOD!)
http://thefourqueens.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/goal-setting-planning-and-reviewing.html
Videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JJgHMuSSKg&index=4&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PnpFF5oTmc&index=5&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNyZgdlhlrI&index=6&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHBnGAoKENU&index=7&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvb5vdEl3sw&index=8&list=WL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E_QQl9T_wg&index=9&list=WL
Monday, June 2, 2014
OkCupid question about altars
I used OkCupid with great success for years, and disabled my account a few months ago for a variety of reasons. Less interest in new dates for the time being, an increase in creepers, and an increase in militant atheists (friends who also used OkCupid at the time experienced the latter two trends as well). For those unfamiliar with OkCupid: among the best ways to meet quasi-compatible people is to answer questions in a quizlike fashion. A list of people who answered these questions similarly is provided. There is a text box to include comments for each question, and you can read other people's written comments as well.
One question was "On your first visit to a friend's home, which would bother you more, the open display of a religious altar or of a porn library?" For the first few years, I focused more on the reply to the porn library part of the question - I was learning and discussing a lot about sex work, sexuality, etc. so that was more directly relevant to my life. It did still seem silly to me that a religious altar in the privacy of one's own home would bother anyone.
Among the noticeable signs of the increase of militant atheists on OkCupid was the rise of more rabid responses to this question. Not only were more people, primarily white men, replying a dislike of altars, but also more written explanations against them. To be clear: when I say "militant atheist," I mean a person who speaks out against anything religious solely because religion is involved, a person who judges any non-atheist as an idiot.
I don't have a home altar and I have no interest in getting one, but all the people I've known who have had their own (Pagan, Catholic, Buddhist, nondenominational Protestant) took great personal comfort in them. Many of them told me, upon my asking (after asking if it was ok that I ask), "this house/apt feels like my home because it's where my altar is." The idea of anyone judging them for that is disgustingly sad.
How about this:
Whatever a person has in their home that doesn't hurt* anyone is ok.
And a person who doesn't want that same thing in their home is ok too.
Let's just not judge someone based on a thing that has no effect on anyone other than the person doing the thing, ok?
* Yes, cultural appropriation is hurtful. Example: if you're white and making a Hopi Kachina, stop.
One question was "On your first visit to a friend's home, which would bother you more, the open display of a religious altar or of a porn library?" For the first few years, I focused more on the reply to the porn library part of the question - I was learning and discussing a lot about sex work, sexuality, etc. so that was more directly relevant to my life. It did still seem silly to me that a religious altar in the privacy of one's own home would bother anyone.
Among the noticeable signs of the increase of militant atheists on OkCupid was the rise of more rabid responses to this question. Not only were more people, primarily white men, replying a dislike of altars, but also more written explanations against them. To be clear: when I say "militant atheist," I mean a person who speaks out against anything religious solely because religion is involved, a person who judges any non-atheist as an idiot.
I don't have a home altar and I have no interest in getting one, but all the people I've known who have had their own (Pagan, Catholic, Buddhist, nondenominational Protestant) took great personal comfort in them. Many of them told me, upon my asking (after asking if it was ok that I ask), "this house/apt feels like my home because it's where my altar is." The idea of anyone judging them for that is disgustingly sad.
How about this:
Whatever a person has in their home that doesn't hurt* anyone is ok.
And a person who doesn't want that same thing in their home is ok too.
Let's just not judge someone based on a thing that has no effect on anyone other than the person doing the thing, ok?
* Yes, cultural appropriation is hurtful. Example: if you're white and making a Hopi Kachina, stop.
Monday, March 3, 2014
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