As stated in my previous blog post, I'm dating a bioguy. Thanks be to the diversity of Chicago, no straight privilege shit or queer-based biphobia has come my way - just many many MANY questions. The number one question, asked by queers and straights alike, has been how this impacts my identity. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm as queer as a purple $3 bill riding a rainbow unicorn.
I'm still on the trajectory that began as I graduated high school and started college. That was when I discovered sex-positive feminism and when I came out of the closet as bi/lesbian/queer. The two lifestyles collaborate, not codependent upon one another, so that one may CHOOSE to base identity upon sex. Active members of the queer community may realize that sleeping with "the same sex" isn't enough the qualify as fabulously queer. What goes on in a consensual bedroom (or bathroom or car or ski chair lift) shouldn't mean anything to the government nor anything to one's movement.
There's this lesbian movie, Go Fish, from the early 90's. It's pretty shitty, but a few scenes stick out in my mind. A dyke playah has sex with a man, then gets captured by the lesbian community and they interrogate her for her reasons and identity. She argued that sex is just sex, that it shouldn't make her less of a lesbian - especially considering all she had done for the community. The lesbians demanded that she identify as bisexual, even if it means she gets less pussy. Another scene shows a lesbian getting married to a man, but fighting to maintain her lesbian history. She nearly suffocates in her self-justification: "I'm a dyke despite my straight privilege" .
Were I not in Chicago in '11, would that be my world? Fellow sex-liberated friends have been through that shit. Is it just a matter of time and place for me as long as I keep dating and fucking people to whom I'm ATTRACTED?
Showing posts with label lesbian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lesbian. Show all posts
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Queer Qualifiers
When I hung out with the Madison Socialists, a newbie at one of the group meetings asked what qualifies someone as queer. As the most visibly queer person in the group*, I answered that someone who doesn't get straight privilege would be considered queer. Then we all had a big discussion on how privilege doesn't actually benefit anyone.
I'm dating a straight bio-guy and a lot of people expect my identity to change, that I identify as bisexual rather than lesbian now. With people who are easily confused or won't invest much thought into gender/sexuality, I let them think what they will. My gender identity had started shifting years ago and, because of that, "woman-identified-woman" hasn't really applied to me for a while. Lesbian is too small a box for all my fabulous queerdom. And don't even get me started on the binary "bisexual" label. The genders of the people I date impact me so little that it surprised me when that was the first place people went upon this news.
Just look at me! I'm not gonna get straight privilege anytime soon. Heterosexism both disrespects gay relationships and elevates straight relationships for no reason; as a confusing genderqueer, the genders/sexes of the people I date are used as judgement. When I pass for a guy or an "it", it implies the guy I'm dating is gay; when I pass for a woman, it implies that I'm straight. Either he gets a taste of homophobia or my queer identity gets smothered by straight privilege. It's a lose-lose situation.
Last week, I went on a date with an androgynous, straight bio-guy and this table of jerky businessmen was leering and laughing at us. I don't know if they thought we were both lesbians or fags or if their behavior would've changed had they known our "opposite sexes" (so many things wrong with that system!). Aaaww my kitty just curled up in my lap! My point is that being gender-variant, especially with complete strangers who know only how you look, is more likely to stir up shit. And rather than trying to figure out who you are, they're more likely to fit you into the "gay", "straight" or MAYBE "bi" box. WHO CARES?!?
* by no means is this a value system or qualifier, it's just how it was. I was far more likely to get odd looks (at the least) in the street than everyone else in the group, who looked normal. Well...normal for Madison.
I'm dating a straight bio-guy and a lot of people expect my identity to change, that I identify as bisexual rather than lesbian now. With people who are easily confused or won't invest much thought into gender/sexuality, I let them think what they will. My gender identity had started shifting years ago and, because of that, "woman-identified-woman" hasn't really applied to me for a while. Lesbian is too small a box for all my fabulous queerdom. And don't even get me started on the binary "bisexual" label. The genders of the people I date impact me so little that it surprised me when that was the first place people went upon this news.
Just look at me! I'm not gonna get straight privilege anytime soon. Heterosexism both disrespects gay relationships and elevates straight relationships for no reason; as a confusing genderqueer, the genders/sexes of the people I date are used as judgement. When I pass for a guy or an "it", it implies the guy I'm dating is gay; when I pass for a woman, it implies that I'm straight. Either he gets a taste of homophobia or my queer identity gets smothered by straight privilege. It's a lose-lose situation.
Last week, I went on a date with an androgynous, straight bio-guy and this table of jerky businessmen was leering and laughing at us. I don't know if they thought we were both lesbians or fags or if their behavior would've changed had they known our "opposite sexes" (so many things wrong with that system!). Aaaww my kitty just curled up in my lap! My point is that being gender-variant, especially with complete strangers who know only how you look, is more likely to stir up shit. And rather than trying to figure out who you are, they're more likely to fit you into the "gay", "straight" or MAYBE "bi" box. WHO CARES?!?
* by no means is this a value system or qualifier, it's just how it was. I was far more likely to get odd looks (at the least) in the street than everyone else in the group, who looked normal. Well...normal for Madison.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The Impact of Background
There is apparently a popular Irish joke of this guy coming to a roadblock during The Troubles. The militants at the roadblock as him his religion and he says "atheist." The militants talk amongst themselves, then ask him "Protestant atheist or Catholic atheist?" It may be a sad joke but it sums up how important one's background is. A Protestant atheist (an atheist of a Protestant background) would have different values, at least when it comes to disbelieving, than a Catholic atheist. And a Hindu atheist would be radically different! Where you come from, no matter how far away you are from it, affects how you approach things now.
The impact of background affects more than just religion, it works with fluid gender and sexual orientation. I strongly identify as genderqueer and my background of woman/lesbian affects my approach today, so I'm most accurately a female-to-queer. Had I come from the background of a man, I'd approach things differently. Coming from an intersexed or gender-free background would have been...optimal. Anyway, I'm usually most comfortable with feminine pronouns, the women's washroom, etc. because I'm used to it. Sometimes I'm frustrated that there are too few non-binary options; it's frustrating enough being perceived as a woman in the first place since this isn't exactly an egalitarian culture! A lot of transsexuals who "successfully pass" experience culture shock as they have to change how they approach things.
I'm usually comfortable functioning as a lesbian since that's my background and it's a lot easier to give the short answer "I'm a dyke" to n00bs than the long explanation "I'm genderqueer and I'm primarily attracted to fellow genderqueers...oh, you haven't heard the term before...etc." And then they get confused when I ogle Chris Colfer...I mean...what?
The impact of background affects more than just religion, it works with fluid gender and sexual orientation. I strongly identify as genderqueer and my background of woman/lesbian affects my approach today, so I'm most accurately a female-to-queer. Had I come from the background of a man, I'd approach things differently. Coming from an intersexed or gender-free background would have been...optimal. Anyway, I'm usually most comfortable with feminine pronouns, the women's washroom, etc. because I'm used to it. Sometimes I'm frustrated that there are too few non-binary options; it's frustrating enough being perceived as a woman in the first place since this isn't exactly an egalitarian culture! A lot of transsexuals who "successfully pass" experience culture shock as they have to change how they approach things.
I'm usually comfortable functioning as a lesbian since that's my background and it's a lot easier to give the short answer "I'm a dyke" to n00bs than the long explanation "I'm genderqueer and I'm primarily attracted to fellow genderqueers...oh, you haven't heard the term before...etc." And then they get confused when I ogle Chris Colfer...I mean...what?
Monday, March 15, 2010
So much time has gone by :P
10 years ago: I first became a Beatlemaniac. It was actually right before Christmas '99 that I discovered and fell in love with them; it was so soon before Christmas that people had already gotten me N*SYNC and Backstreet Boys crap and I didn't even want it anymore! At this point, the only albums I had were Abbey Road - my mom's copy - and an orchestra cover album. The first Beatles albums I bought were Rubber Soul and Revolver together, June '00, and they really do go together.
10 years ago: I rejected Confirmation at my Catholic school. Bullying had been bad before this, but now all hell broke loose and only one faculty member stood up for me...subtly since she didn't want to lose her job.
10 years ago: I finally got out of that terrible K-8 school and began high school at my beloved Loyola Academy! There was still bullying, of course, but I had friends who were my friends because they WANTED to be rather than stuck as outcasts and the faculty was on our side. High school was really when my life began and that's why I care so much about what happens to Loyola now.
10 years ago: I rejected bullshit. This was really complex and the symptoms of the bullshit were that I wanted rhinoplasty, I wanted to be popular, I followed trends mindlessly, I said that I had a crush on the most popular guy as a last desperate attempt for acceptance, etc. Because of The Beatles, I quit all that. They, more than anyone or anything else, taught me that it's ok to be myself and fuck anyone who doesn't like it.
10 years ago: my birthday this year will be the 10 year mark of no contact with my dad. He's turning 79 in June and I really just want him to DIE ALREADY so I can finally forgive him and move on with my life! I need to wait until he can't come back again (he's periodically sent angry emails) before I can make myself that vulnerable to him.
10 years ago: I came out to myself as bisexual and, over time, that gradually wore down to full-on queer.
5 years ago: I came out as a lesbian! Lol I was such a lipstick lesbian back then...it was ridiculous. My family was so awesome about it and, later, I found out that some people at Alverno had thought before then that I was flaming! I was exuding queer without even trying!
5 years ago: I cut off my looooooooonnnngggg hair. It went down past my waist! At the time, I honestly considered growing it back out...but then I noticed the attention I got from girls and how much easier it was just to make it through the day without this THING I was carrying around.
5 years ago: I got my first tattoo: the red female/Venus symbol on my right hip. Then, especially since I was such a high femme, I considered it a feminist symbol. Which it still is...but now I want a blue male/Mars symbol on my left hip. Feminism isn't solely about femininity, it's about everyone. I might even get a purple question mark in the middle someday lol
5 years ago: I had my first girlfriend, Jackie. God, that was an awkward situation...I'm so glad it's OVER! I'm grateful it happened, though, and that she was my first rather than...another person (if you knew me back then, you know what I'm talking about).
5 years ago: Last but not least, I became friends with Katy and Lauren!! YEAH!!!!!!!!
10 years ago: I rejected Confirmation at my Catholic school. Bullying had been bad before this, but now all hell broke loose and only one faculty member stood up for me...subtly since she didn't want to lose her job.
10 years ago: I finally got out of that terrible K-8 school and began high school at my beloved Loyola Academy! There was still bullying, of course, but I had friends who were my friends because they WANTED to be rather than stuck as outcasts and the faculty was on our side. High school was really when my life began and that's why I care so much about what happens to Loyola now.
10 years ago: I rejected bullshit. This was really complex and the symptoms of the bullshit were that I wanted rhinoplasty, I wanted to be popular, I followed trends mindlessly, I said that I had a crush on the most popular guy as a last desperate attempt for acceptance, etc. Because of The Beatles, I quit all that. They, more than anyone or anything else, taught me that it's ok to be myself and fuck anyone who doesn't like it.
10 years ago: my birthday this year will be the 10 year mark of no contact with my dad. He's turning 79 in June and I really just want him to DIE ALREADY so I can finally forgive him and move on with my life! I need to wait until he can't come back again (he's periodically sent angry emails) before I can make myself that vulnerable to him.
10 years ago: I came out to myself as bisexual and, over time, that gradually wore down to full-on queer.
5 years ago: I came out as a lesbian! Lol I was such a lipstick lesbian back then...it was ridiculous. My family was so awesome about it and, later, I found out that some people at Alverno had thought before then that I was flaming! I was exuding queer without even trying!
5 years ago: I cut off my looooooooonnnngggg hair. It went down past my waist! At the time, I honestly considered growing it back out...but then I noticed the attention I got from girls and how much easier it was just to make it through the day without this THING I was carrying around.
5 years ago: I got my first tattoo: the red female/Venus symbol on my right hip. Then, especially since I was such a high femme, I considered it a feminist symbol. Which it still is...but now I want a blue male/Mars symbol on my left hip. Feminism isn't solely about femininity, it's about everyone. I might even get a purple question mark in the middle someday lol
5 years ago: I had my first girlfriend, Jackie. God, that was an awkward situation...I'm so glad it's OVER! I'm grateful it happened, though, and that she was my first rather than...another person (if you knew me back then, you know what I'm talking about).
5 years ago: Last but not least, I became friends with Katy and Lauren!! YEAH!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Identity Continuum
0, 7, 12...the last one baffles me. I like androgynous/masculine females/intersexed/transpeople.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
"That's Gay"
Tonight, my significant other and I went to a pool hall. We were the only flaming people, the only visible females, and the only white people playing. The table beside ours was played by three guys who joked around with us a little. All of us mutually shared the space with comofort.
They were loudly laughing and sharing stories with each other. Some words we overheard were, "gay," "fag," and "cunt." My s.o. and I hold hands and exchange pecks in public, so these guys knew that we're dykes. None of them snuck looks at us to judge our reactions or said anything like, "Hey man, that's not cool." I concluded that these were just some cool guys who don't know any better. It mattered more that they were respectful of us as neighbors than that they monitor their word choices, although it's still disappointing that such terms are used in such ways. It's no different than racist or anti-Semitic slurs.
Were we in a situation that would involve more regular contact and actual introductions, I would have talked to them about it. Just a simple, non-threatening, "Hey man, that's not cool." Chances are that nobody had said anything to them about it before!
They were loudly laughing and sharing stories with each other. Some words we overheard were, "gay," "fag," and "cunt." My s.o. and I hold hands and exchange pecks in public, so these guys knew that we're dykes. None of them snuck looks at us to judge our reactions or said anything like, "Hey man, that's not cool." I concluded that these were just some cool guys who don't know any better. It mattered more that they were respectful of us as neighbors than that they monitor their word choices, although it's still disappointing that such terms are used in such ways. It's no different than racist or anti-Semitic slurs.
Were we in a situation that would involve more regular contact and actual introductions, I would have talked to them about it. Just a simple, non-threatening, "Hey man, that's not cool." Chances are that nobody had said anything to them about it before!
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