A New Trend

Firstly: http://thoughtsonblank.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/i-am-trans-i-just-dont-try-very-hard/

And then my real post:

Either I've struck gold or there's a new trend - I'm choosing to believe it's a new trend - since masculine/androgynous chicks are a hot commodity.

When I was in middle school, high school and college (an all-women college!!), there were many many girls who felt like they had to choose between male attention and their own "masculine" interests. "I love math, but I want to get a boyfriend," or "I always wanted to learn woodworking, but I got married." AAAAHHH SO STUPID!!! And now, particularly when I'm at work, those kinds of women can't have simple conversations with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands.

Clearly, I didn't give up my interests in order to snag a man, even before I came out of the closet. And that makes me really attractive to a lot of straight men now, which I NEVER expected. Knowing sci-fi, carrying a pocketknife, and having welding experience are not only things I enjoy but they also are apparently pretty sexy. This means that, at least at work, I converse with straight guys while their women get very jealous of me. But because they abandoned their interests in order to get a man, all they can contribute is "look, honey, Bristol Palin is on the cover of People magazine!"

At first I thought that I'm just really lucky, but then I talked with a flaming friend who said that most straight guys, regardless of social group, are into "bi girls" now. Whether it's Jersey Shore types into girls making out with each other or nerds into masculine/androgynous women, we're where it's at now!

My point is...
fuck it
READ A BOOK, PEOPLE!!!! ....NOT ROMANCE!!

Gender Graph

Found this graph at http://xyxrebellion.tumblr.com/ and added my question mark

The Approach

There is a true joke that, in the recent history of the Catholic-vs-Protestant struggles in Ireland, an atheist was stopped at a street blockade. He was asked to identify himself as either a Catholic or a Protestant. He said he was an atheist. After a pause, the guard asked "a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist?"
While being amusing (and sad...really...Ireland's history is so fucked up) and a true incident, there is an interesting aspect to this joke. Where we come from contributes so much to who we are today and where we're going. An atheist who was raised Catholic would emphasize different thing than a Protest-atheist or a Hindu-atheist.

I believe that thinking in this same way in relation to gender should be discussed more. So far, the only time I've heard/read this line of thinking in relation to gender happen only at the Womyn's Music Festival "you're transgendered, I knew that I felt MALE ENERGY emanating from you!" The politics of that bullshit aside, there is something to that "male energy" that hasn't been explored (to my knowledge) probably because it reeks of stupidity so much.
One's gender, expression, etc. says a lot about one's background. An Earth Mother-type feminine person probably has a different history than a dominatrix-type feminine person and so on. It's not an "energy" but more of a way a person emphasizes different aspects. And that says a lot about one's background.
I've noticed that, maybe 70% of the time, I'm attracted to androgynous people with a feminine (imposed by oneself, by others, or just natural) background; this is probably because it lines up with my imposed-feminine background that leads to my androgynous exploration today. In some ways, the approach is more significant than the effect.

I hope to see/hear/read this kind of discussion sometime in the future in queer circles...even if I'm the one to instigate it.

Option 3

I use ChaCha, a text program in which you text a question and you receive a brief answer after some advertisements. I've been using it for a couple months and give it 4/5 stars, the ads don't bother me since I just delete them.

Today, though, I texted a question and my reply was not an ad or an answer. Apparently I had to fill out a survey via text in order to continue receiving service. Ok, that was fine. Question number one was "what is your gender? Txt MALE or FEMALE back to us." Uhhh.....what? So many things are wrong with that question, but I just replied "both".

Second text from ChaCha: "Chick flick or wrestling? We need 2 know ur gender so we can send you offers you care about! Txt MALE or FEMALE." EXCUSE ME?!?!?! This is just stereotyping. Obviously they're trying to classify which ads would be most effective and using binary gender stereotyping (not to mention that "male" and "female" are biological sexes, not necessarily genders). I replied "transgender," using the umbrella term and figuring they must have received that answer before.

Third text from ChaCha: "Oops! Only 4 little Qs stand between u and a satisfying relationship with ChaCha! Here's the 1st one: Txt MALE or FEMALE." Ok if they had sent this text rather than that second one, I probably would have replied "FEMALE" and shrugged it off. But that "chick flick or wresting?" irritated me so I send the same reply. The fourth and fifth texts from ChaCha was basically the same and I continued texting "transgender."

Sixth text from ChaCha: "Dude/Dudette! We can't answer your Q until you help us out. Txt MALE or FEMALE." I don't even know at this point. The seventh and final text from them was an email address to which I can complain. AND I WILL!!

Pandora has a similar advertising program and I've checked the "female" and "male" boxes at different times. The "male" advertisements are almost always androgynous and the "female" ads are insulting. I'll edit my ChaCha email and send it to Pandora as well...but I enjoy Pandora too much to stop using it lol.

Bathroom surprise!

Friday, I was over in Gold Coast/River North (for you non-Chicagoans, that's the area directly north of downtown. It's REALLY ritzy and full of hipster-yuppies) and used a Starbucks bathroom. Yes, I still use the women's. When I came out of the stall, the two young yuppie-housewives jumped in shock and almost yelped! They exchanged a confused glance and gulped down their words. I was thrilled, I love confusing people...especially yuppies.

At work, there are unisex, single-stall bathrooms...that are also the family and handicap bathrooms. I really don't want to use those when someone with a sick kid or a wheelchair actually needs it more than I do. So I continue to use the women's; because it's O'Hare and, thus, full of weirdoes, I get odd looks only once a week or so.

It would still take a lot for me to use a men's multi-stall bathroom.

A lot of customers say "ma'am" and "lady" in reference to me. I like the respect (as opposed to saying "that bitch over there") and I shouldn't expect them to know to use gender-neutral terms like "rabbi," "doctor" and "captain"...especially since I'm not actually any of those social ranks. "Sir" and "bud" make me giggle, especially since the two people who have called me that didn't realize afterward that I'm neither of those. Maybe I should just make a new nametag for my uniform, "Officer K," and bug people to salute me.

Identity Continuum

0, 7, 12...the last one baffles me. I like androgynous/masculine females/intersexed/transpeople.

"FT?"

I've been doing a lot of thinking, reading, discussing, journaling, etc. lately. What it all comes down to are a few things:

- as discussed on Queeries.ning.com, one of the most difficult things going on is reconciling a feminine-childhood with a queer-adulthood. This being the case, there has been a definite "womyn-identified-womyn" period in my life.

- that period is over. I might go back to it later in life, but it's not happening now. That does not mean at all that I identify as a man: I definitely don't.

- any labels/categories/etc. feel constricting. "Androgyne," "genderqueer," etc. just don't quite seem to cover what I've got going on. Only the biggest umbrellas of "queer" and "transgender" are big enough to cover me. I used to think that people who claim that they don't like labels were kinda wishy-washy, but now I'm among them. Sorry, guys.

- I feel like I'm not "arrived" yet. I don't know where I'm going, how long I'll stay there, etc. but I know that I'm en route.

Taking in these points, I have the "F" and the "t" and then just a "?". Female-to-? I think that is the most accurate label when I have to use one. I'm not actively transitioning, I'm happy with who I am and change is naturally happening in my life anyway. When I do and what I want are just what I do/want naturally and not toward any specific point.

Wrestling with Femininity

I'm halfway through "Whipping Girl: a Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity" by Julia Serano. It's very good and a good first book on the topic - there should be many more from many different perspectives! Serano includes her own experiences as supportive evidence and provides a good history of transsexuality in Western society. The only downfalls are that she has a strong us-vs.-them mentality regarding cissexual "experts" and often writes as though her opinion is the only correct opinion. If one approaches this book as one view on the topic rather than as the ultimate authority, though, the flaws are mere obstacles. As stated above, it's a great first book on the topic of transwomen experiencing the scapegoating of femininity.

The book, though, has forced me to come face-to-face with my own issues with femininity. I'm not among the dykes who think of femmes as "Uncle Toms;" I admit that I have tended to assume that many femmes fall/walk into the same pitfalls as feminine straight girls: not knowing and/or willing to take care of herself and, instead, using her looks to get someone to take care of her. I've known butches who do the same thing,though... And as for feminine men: I have respect for their crossing of strict gender expression boundaries, but I will avoid those who I know use it to get things out of people (same with masculine people who use their masculinity to swing their dicks all over people).

I'm certain that this disdain of femininity came from my past. There is a Biblical story of Jacob wrestling with some guy in the night, but it turns out to have been God. Disdain of this group of people (which I work to not actually take out on real people) is my wrestle with the compulsory femininity that had been prominent in my life until very recently. I'm under the impression that, once I've erased all my compulsory femininity, I can take on the femininity that actually suits me. This compulsory femininity is tied in with strict Catholicism, classism, heterosexism, etc. A clean slate allows me to release my past and to pick what I actually want.

Because I'm in a better place altogether now and there is a clear distinction between my "past" and "now" (I'm no longer in school, Wisconsin, dependent living, old relationship goals), it's easier to release its hold, at least in this aspect. It's easier to see that the stereotypes of the Earth Mother, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Rabbit are all parts of femininity and that it's ok to pick and choose different parts without the fear of falling into weak dependence. Refusing to wear a skirt because one doesn't want to be taken as femme is no different from choosing to wear a skirt because one doesn't want to be taken as butch/andro. I wore heels the other week for a job interview at Ann Taylor; I wore them because I felt like it. The world didn't end and the pain of walking in them made me sympathize with rather than bemoan people who feel like they must wear them.

Being able to articulate all this has made it less intimidating/controlling/big, which is now easier to leave behind me. I'm more comfortable in androgynous garb and I'm more attracted to androgynous people (which is another blog entry altogether), but that's just who I am and not a rebellion or escape. Don't be surprised if you see me in a skirt sometime! I still feel like dressing masculinely or femininely is drag, but I'm free to do it for me.

Women's Spaces

My love of the Guerrilla Girls having recently been rekindled (http://www.guerrillagirls.com/) and a call for artists for Women's History Month have made me wonder . . . now that I'm out as genderqueer, do I belong in "women's spaces"?

I mean . . . because I'm female and can easily "pass" as a woman, I could just take advantage of what these things have to offer. However, using this as a metaphor for the issue itself: it would be wrong for me to deny who I am, using my femaleness, just to get into the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival while people who actually identify as women, but aren't biologically female, can't get in.

I really admire the Guerrilla Girls and would be honored if I was actually INVITED to join them someday, but I'm not a girl, a grrl, a woman, a womyn, etc. I can do drag of those things, but it's still drag. I am still a feminist, of course, and will happily continue my feminist activism! But I would feel like I'm infiltrating, using others' trust to my own benefit, a women's group. I mean, if I would be welcome after making it clear that I'm genderqueer, I would join. People of all genders are welcome, for example, at the Women & Children First Bookstore and there are many books available there about all genders.

I guess what I'm trying to say with all this rambling is that I would join an inclusive group not just because I'd be welcome, but also because it's inclusive. I would understand my exclusion from an exclusive group AS LONG AS IT MAKES SENSE (a.k.a. not the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival).