I finally went to a drag show here in Nashville. It was great! And now, 3 months after moving, I'm homesick.

The performers were fantastic, a drag king kissed my cheek, it was 90’s night, people looked at me like I was fresh meat (been a long time since that’s happened!).  I’ll definitely go back.

But the drag show made me incredibly homesick for Milwaukee.  Finally.  Aside from some friends and food, I haven’t really missed the MidWest much.  The differences between there and here confound me sometimes, but I miss the SouthWest much more (and that’s just a constant).  Overall, the move to Nashville was definitely for the best: 1 catcall in 3 months, whoring is so much better, I love my job, it’s warmer, it’s greener, the poly community is amazing, there’s a great dungeon, I’m meeting kinky nerds, I’m living with my lover and I’m far away from my ex and his bullshit.  Essentially the only places that I’ve missed have changed with time and can’t be revisited anyway (malls in the late 90’s, Belmont & Clark right before emo started, the Adler Planetarium when it was still hating on the USSR).

But the Milwaukee queer community I miss dearly now.  It’s extremely open to anyone, it’s educational, it focuses on local charity, it provides safehavens to those who need it, it has EVERYTHING.  I can’t imagine a better community where I could have had my queer coming-of-age. The Miltown Kings drag troupe in particular makes it a point to comfort everyone in a safe atmosphere and they also have worked with dozens of nonprofits, volunteer organizations and campaigns.  There is a ton of drama, believe me!  But it’s set aside when shit needs to get done.  I remember when photography was banned at their shows because not everyone was out!  Now they want everyone to show off everything all the time, educate and welcome everyone.  I’m homesick for them.  

And then there’s Milwaukee PrideFest, the annual 3 day festival.  Pride Friends, the people you only ever see at PrideFest but you’re so happy to see each other every year.  I remember when queers from all over Wisconsin would come down and have their only Pride experience for the entire year - now they’re making spaces in their own communities and they bring their kids down to PrideFest!  My high school reunion is the Saturday night of PrideFest 2014 and I really hope I can do both.  I’m homesick for Milwaukee PrideFest even more than this time of year when I lived there.

The Chicago queer scene never impressed me: rampant transphobia and racism, people judged you by the labels you wore, one-upping each other all the time, drama gets in the way of everything.  The Madison queer scene is very welcoming and educational, but they have had severe management issues for years.  Milwaukee’s queer scene is the absolute best.  I’ve seen people transition, advance in their careers, get into relationships, get out of relationships, fuck up relationships, have kids, have dogs, have cats, get addicted, break addictions, move away, come back.  Everyone always has their eye on each other, which is really shitty when you’re trying to keep a messy breakup private - but it’s also comforting in some ways.  The familiarity and comfort are so far away now.

Of course one drag show here doesn’t tell me much about the Nashville drag troupe or queer community.  It was very different from the Miltown Kings community: nobody in bondage gear, only 1 performer spoke to the audience to announce an upcoming drag pageant, the performers clearly put a LOT of money into their appearances, no PBR (maybe that’s for the best), more racial diversity but less diversity of bodies.  I’ll definitely return to learn more, but for now I actually wish I was in Milwaukee.

Trans Youth Homes

It's no secret that I don't want to have children...yes, that might change in 5+ years but I'll still shank anyone who patronizes "oh once you get older blah blah blah." Many personal reasons that I won't describe here, but it honestly just doesn't make sense for me. Any care-taking calling that I might have would not involve bringing more people into the world.

There are homes, mostly in metropolitan areas, for transgender youth who have been kicked out by their families. Homelessness among trans youth, particularly of color, is horrifically common. Prostitution and/or drug dealing are generally the only means of survival...if you can call it that. Group homes provide shelter, rehab, connection to medical care, education, job training, etc. Generally, these homes are pretty strict regarding curfew, drugs, chores, etc. - you know, like a PARENT would be. Also importantly, the communities provide personal validation and assistance in passing (or not, depending on the individual).

The need for trans youth homes won't go away anytime soon and they're always short-staffed and short-changed. As someone with knowledge, experience, and understanding, I'd enthusiastically give my help to such a home.
I interned at Milwaukee's Alliance School - an alternative high school for LGBTQ kids. The work itself was ok, teaching is not my forte, but talking with the students was fantastic. Many of them came to the school mainly for the warm meal (don't get me wrong, they loved the school too - these were kids who had been bullied out of standard schools and appreciated having such a welcoming place) and when they went home at the end of classes, you never really knew whether you'd see them again or not.
To provide a place for kids like them to call home is what I want to do. Maybe that will involve a group home, maybe that will involve adoption, I don't know yet. This idea has been developing for years and it will probably continue to do so until I'm ready to take on a care-taking role.


Related reading: "Transparent: Love, Family, and Living the T with Transgender Teenagers" by Cris Beam
http://www.amazon.com/Transparent-Family-Living-Transgender-Teenagers/dp/B004JZWOAG/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324408340&sr=1-2

Sex Positivity

Oh the joys of sex positivity! Who knew therapy could be so much fun?! It's healing, a way to take control of one's 50% of the situation (or some other percentage, depending on how many people are involved). Enthusiastic consent makes the entire experience even more enjoyable.
Today is Milwaukee's SlutWalk and it's so wonderful how many people, particularly Alverno people, who are marching in it. Wish I could be there with you glorious sluts!

After a very strict Catholic upbringing, it was only about midway through college that I learned to accept pleasure. Suffering doesn't actually accomplish anything (it could be argued that one learned through suffering, but extreme Catholicism looks down on learning as much as on pleasure), and enjoying pleasure doesn't make one a bad person. It's ok to be moderately selfish, especially when so much fun can be had giving as well. Sexual pleasure is a physical release, and going at it enthusiastically and partaking in power play bring about a mental/emotional release as well.

Many thanks to Susie Bright, Eve Ensler, Del LaGrace Volcano, Annie Sparkle, Margaret Cho and many many others who have brought about the queer sex-positive awareness that has certainly improved my life and, well, certainly the lives of my lovers! There are indeed queer slut role models aplenty, advocates of enthusiastic consent and body awareness and gender fluidity, which can flood one's life like a rainbow avalanche if only that door is opened. They've cleared the rough paths so that mine may be easier to walk (or skip).

And a very special thank you to Kate Bornstein. The quote in her book Gender Outlaw has made all the difference: "never fuck anyone you wouldn't want to be." (and, of course, my appreciation to the grandmother who coined the phrase, and to the anonymous person who announced it at a Bornstein event).

Masculine to Masculine

When people see me with a bioguy lover, the few who say something will say one of two things:

1) that I've turned straight

2) we might be two gay guys

The main difference between those groups is that 1 sees sex and 2 sees gender expression. Group 1 perceives "opposite sexes" (and don't know that phrase makes no sense) and expects certain behaviors - like I secretly loathe my lover and just want him to buy me things. They also, usually, can't resolve my queerness with my "heterosexuality;" apparently I must choose one or the other.

What Group 1 can't see but Group 2 can is that the people to whom I'm attracted are usually masculine and that I'm rather masculine. In addition to just basic attraction, I relate more to masculine people. One thing that I've noticed recently is that most of the guys I get along with best have only brothers. Guys with sisters tend to be more protective of me rather than challenging, and I hate being protected.
Anyway, Group 2 is a bit closer to reality. They see gender expression, which is a facet of an individual. Biological sex has no inherent meaning or value, therefore judging a relationship on it ignores the true value of the people involved.

There are some queer people who are in Group 1, which is very disappointing. The queer community has been fighting for decades to be accepted for/despite "same sex" relationships. And now that I have "opposite sex" lovers, some queer people are giving me the same shit they've been given. It's frustrating! And a few can't/won't see that we're in the same predicament!

What those poor misguided queers and Group 1 see are "opposite sexes" and privilege. Yes, there are L.U.G.s (Lesbian Until Graduation) who give up their queerdom to live a "normal" life of straight privilege. That is not me! The people of Group 1 who assume my hatred of my lovers expect me to be like all the breeder women who'd rather be in a miserable relationship than contentedly single. And they do so because they get privileges by being in relationships with breeder men.
And I don't even want a relationship!

SlutWalk Season

I always love Pride Month, but this June is turning out more active and exciting than any beforehand. In addition to travels galore (to get away from the Midwestern winter's grip), Chicago's SlutWalk and Milwaukee's PrideFest were just a week apart! Both events serve as a statement of sexual freedom, from activities to identities. Both involve pride, networking, diversified unity, and a good serving of comedy. And there are those who choose to withdraw from both events, either because it's just not their cup of tea or from policy disagreements. And that's fine!

At Chicago's SlutWalk, I got a t-shirt advertising the event and its date. I wore it to Milwaukee's PrideFest, naturally. At least a dozen people, ranging from sassy queens to rough bulldykes and everyone in between, commented on it and asked me about it. All of them said that, had they known it was going on, they would have come down to march. I told them all the same: Google Milwaukee's SlutWalk and march in that one. Later, I discovered that the booth of ToolShed, Milwaukee's queer sex shop, had information on their city's upcoming SlutWalk. August 13!

You can see at http://www.slutwalktoronto.com/satellite where and when worldwide SlutWalks are taking place. Or you can just search online your location and "SlutWalk."
The fact that this kind of event, marching out against sexual assault and oppression, is internationally popular implies that people are ready for change. It's arguable what a few hours of marching can accomplish, true. But the eagerness to make a public statement, in the streets, across cultures and nations is suggestive of perhaps greater changes. This has coincided with the DSK scandal, for example, which many consider to be the international Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas. That scandal has brought to European cultures what Anita Hill arose in America nearly 20 years ago. Could it be that all these people around the world are sick of the silence around sexual harassment? Are people finally coming around to the idea that appearances are not invitations? Pride has loosened the connection between sexual preference and personal quality, and maybe now that concept is extending beyond the LGBTQ community.

Sex Positive Feminism + Queer Liberty

As stated in my previous blog post, I'm dating a bioguy. Thanks be to the diversity of Chicago, no straight privilege shit or queer-based biphobia has come my way - just many many MANY questions. The number one question, asked by queers and straights alike, has been how this impacts my identity. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm as queer as a purple $3 bill riding a rainbow unicorn.

I'm still on the trajectory that began as I graduated high school and started college. That was when I discovered sex-positive feminism and when I came out of the closet as bi/lesbian/queer. The two lifestyles collaborate, not codependent upon one another, so that one may CHOOSE to base identity upon sex. Active members of the queer community may realize that sleeping with "the same sex" isn't enough the qualify as fabulously queer. What goes on in a consensual bedroom (or bathroom or car or ski chair lift) shouldn't mean anything to the government nor anything to one's movement.

There's this lesbian movie, Go Fish, from the early 90's. It's pretty shitty, but a few scenes stick out in my mind. A dyke playah has sex with a man, then gets captured by the lesbian community and they interrogate her for her reasons and identity. She argued that sex is just sex, that it shouldn't make her less of a lesbian - especially considering all she had done for the community. The lesbians demanded that she identify as bisexual, even if it means she gets less pussy. Another scene shows a lesbian getting married to a man, but fighting to maintain her lesbian history. She nearly suffocates in her self-justification: "I'm a dyke despite my straight privilege" .

Were I not in Chicago in '11, would that be my world? Fellow sex-liberated friends have been through that shit. Is it just a matter of time and place for me as long as I keep dating and fucking people to whom I'm ATTRACTED?

Queer Qualifiers

When I hung out with the Madison Socialists, a newbie at one of the group meetings asked what qualifies someone as queer. As the most visibly queer person in the group*, I answered that someone who doesn't get straight privilege would be considered queer. Then we all had a big discussion on how privilege doesn't actually benefit anyone.

I'm dating a straight bio-guy and a lot of people expect my identity to change, that I identify as bisexual rather than lesbian now. With people who are easily confused or won't invest much thought into gender/sexuality, I let them think what they will. My gender identity had started shifting years ago and, because of that, "woman-identified-woman" hasn't really applied to me for a while. Lesbian is too small a box for all my fabulous queerdom. And don't even get me started on the binary "bisexual" label. The genders of the people I date impact me so little that it surprised me when that was the first place people went upon this news.

Just look at me! I'm not gonna get straight privilege anytime soon. Heterosexism both disrespects gay relationships and elevates straight relationships for no reason; as a confusing genderqueer, the genders/sexes of the people I date are used as judgement. When I pass for a guy or an "it", it implies the guy I'm dating is gay; when I pass for a woman, it implies that I'm straight. Either he gets a taste of homophobia or my queer identity gets smothered by straight privilege. It's a lose-lose situation.

Last week, I went on a date with an androgynous, straight bio-guy and this table of jerky businessmen was leering and laughing at us. I don't know if they thought we were both lesbians or fags or if their behavior would've changed had they known our "opposite sexes" (so many things wrong with that system!). Aaaww my kitty just curled up in my lap! My point is that being gender-variant, especially with complete strangers who know only how you look, is more likely to stir up shit. And rather than trying to figure out who you are, they're more likely to fit you into the "gay", "straight" or MAYBE "bi" box. WHO CARES?!?



* by no means is this a value system or qualifier, it's just how it was. I was far more likely to get odd looks (at the least) in the street than everyone else in the group, who looked normal. Well...normal for Madison.

I'm too busy being FABULOUS!!

What's that? You disagree with my "lifestyle choice"? Oh and you voted for candidates who want to restrict gay and transgender rights? ...No, I won't respect your opinion!

See, queerdom doesn't actually hurt anyone. It doesn't cause harm, it doesn't restrict anyone's freedoms, and it makes the world a more fabulous place. The root of my "same-sex attraction" (which is all sorts of wrong) is none of your business, but I wouldn't change it if I had the opportunity.

Your "opinion" disrespects people who have done no ill. Oh, yeah, it's so great that you haven't ACTUALLY bullied anyone...you enable it. Anti-bullying legislation, employment and housing laws don't block your freedom to your opinion, they protect people from the destruction you allow. When you vote for candidates who want to remove that protections, you bring about more pain than anyone has just by being queer.

No, this isn't political and this isn't religious. This is cruelty.

The Second Sex Part 1

I tried to read The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir a few years ago but couldn't make it past the first 20-some pages. Crazy stuff was going down with my dad at the time and everything that I was reading seemed to refute his arguments (why didn't I just send him a copy? Because I didn't want to participate in the destructive conversation he attempted to initiate). Now that I'm in a much better place, I'm picking up The Second Sex again and can fully concentrate on it.

In the book, British poet and novelist Steve Smith is quoted as saying of de Beauvoir “She has written an enormous book about women and it was soon clear that she does not like them, nor does she like being a woman.” Granted, I haven't made it far enough in the book to have an opinion on that but it strikes me as odd that this is considered critique. In A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf and The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, the authors clearly don't like most women. Had I been a straight nursing major rather than a queer art major, I would have loathed women too! Some women aren't aware of their option to live autonomously or they're afraid to take that risk. If anything, de Beauvoir's alleged opinion on women would have supported her cause: why would you want to help people who you think are doing just fine? And sometimes, more often than not if you don't have a good network or haven, it really sucks being a woman.

De Beauvoir states “In truth, to go for a walk with one's eyes open is enough to demonstrate that humanity is divided into two classes of individuals whose clothes, faces, bodies, smiles, gaits, interests, and occupations are manifestly different.” And when the second class uses these signifiers to entice the first class, you get heterosexism. When a member of the first class chooses a member of the second class to be his, he transfers some benefits of his class unto her. And there is intense competition within the second class (see next paragraph). Walking in certain areas will reveal a third class of individuals who combine and/or reject those binary signifiers and are just fine with autonomy.

From there is the idea that most minorities (and majorities...) refer to their class as “we” but that women don't consider themselves as such. Women say “women” rather than “we” except for a few strident feminist situations. I believe that the root of our lack of solidarity is this competition. I've been there, I feared what would happen should my future husband get stolen from me; it's very scary to think that you could lose both a loved one and your elevator out of spinsterhood if a woman better than you comes along. And second-classhood is so ingrained that many women, as stated above, aren't aware of or fear the autonomy of spinsterhood (or a marriage that involves autonomy).

In some circles, women are uncomfortable with my use of “we” in reference to womanhood*. Because I've rejected heterosexism, I'm the Other's Other. It's fully understandable why queer people – including straight couples with “reversed sex roles” - are considered a third gender. If both ends of the gender binary comprise the two classes, then those who don't fit on the binary form a third class. Socially, we queer people don't fit in to their game. We can't relate to the woman who drops out of school to marry young, before she's old enough to lose her man to someone younger, and has kids to entrap him. We can't relate to the woman who picks Danielle Steele over Stephen Hawking because she fears intimidating her man, whose credit card she uses to buy the book in the first place.

What's really sad is how little has changed since 1952 when this was originally published. More posts to come as I progress through the book!


* - my gender is fluid, there are times that I identify as a woman and times that I don't. I am usually perceived as a woman by men and as something else by women, who often end up surprised how much I can relate to them as far as womanhood goes.

Class

Everything is tied into class. EVERYTHING. Race, gender, sexuality, ability, etc. are all ways of categorizing people into different classes = the haves and the have-nots.

There's even a theory on the classism between MySpace and facebook. Facebook began as a college alum networking tool (CLASSISM ALL OVER THE PLACE) and then gradually expanded. As facebook exploded, MySpace became, well, "ghetto"-ized. Look for yourself; there's no way Tila Tequila could have ever become the queen of facebook. There have been suggestions that Twitter is the next facebook...will the internet gentrify?!?!?

Exceptional education is what brings about class rebellion. Education proves that the system is anything but "business as usual." When African Americans learned of their history through integrated schools and post-WWII resources, the civil rights movement began. When housewives read The Feminine Mystique, they began to reach for the world beyond the kitchen. And so on. Poor schools give weak education and then stay poor because nobody knows any different. And there are lower-class subcultures that reject education on principle: what good will a degree do you in a factory or on a farm? Time and money are better spent on feeding the family.

A lot of people don't get how queers fit into classism. There are a lot of small ropes that tie the two together rather than one big, obvious thing like race or gender:
- classism involves legacies, generations see very little differences. Queers generally breed less than straight people so we don't really have a legacy to pass on.
- heterosexism, the tool of the upper/ruling class to pass on their legacies, restricts both queers (even liberated straight people) from gaining ground and straight people from breaking the mold.
- the social rules of heterosexism make the differences between their straight followers and us queers as obvious as the differences between race and gender.

American classes are separating, what was once a gradient is becoming black and white. While racial minorities, independent women and queer people might become rich, it's extremely unlikely for any of us to become wealthy or powerful (Chris Rock has already articulated this). Sarah Palin may have power over America's straight, white women but it's the power to keep them quiet rather than mobile.

Awareness of class and privilege is the first step to breaking it down. Voting is not enough.

Gay Identity

I've been thinking a lot lately about gay/bi identity. In growing circles, especially upper-middle, post-mainline-Protestant/liberal-Catholic, semi-liberal ones, there is no gay identity. There's no need to come out, you can bring home anyone (provided they're in somewhat the same parameters as you) and there won't be an issue. In these safe, white-bread circles, there's no need for queer activism because homophobia is not known...except for the state/federal level.

The safety and acceptance is wonderful, but there is no gay/bi identity. I've known a small handful of people in situations like these - one of them took me a few months to wrap my mind around - and they have a really ard time relating to the queer community because they lack or even decline the identity. The thing with these social groups is that everyone is so "straight-acting"; gender variance is Other.

These groups are a lot like the HRC: the safety and acceptance are exclusive no matter how much they pretty it up. They don't see homosexuality and bisexuality as gender-related issues (Riki Wilchins says the exact opposite. I think it depends on the situation) so, if you step outside the liberal-by-comparison gender roles, that welcome is withdrawn. Queerness is held at arm's length or further, nonconfrontational gayness and bi-ness are fine. This is where the gay and bi identities wear away to no identity and leave gender-variant people out in the cold.

The thing is, the government, powerful religious groups, renters, employers, schools, etc. and violent people in general equate all non-breeders with each other no matter how "straight-acting you are." They care about the doing, not the being. The less gender-variant you are, granted, the less likely you'll experience discrimination and harassment. On a government level, though, we're all fucked.

Unfortunately, for a lot ofp eople and institutions, gay/bi identity exists because we are oppressed. Without oppression, our actions and behavior would be considered "normal" so the safety, symbols, empowerment, etc. would not be considered necessary. I honestly don't believe that I would have Pride or even the identity had I come into an accepting environment - it just wouldn't occur to me. I do love my Pride and queer identity!! Not because I'm oppressed but because I love the community, culture, freedom, etc.

Take away the oppression, discrimination, harassment, raised eyebrows, closet, etc. and gayness/bi-ness becomes normal. When it's normal, there's no identity. This is a long loooonnnng way away...but it may happen. I hope that Pride won't wear away with it.

So much time has gone by :P

10 years ago: I first became a Beatlemaniac. It was actually right before Christmas '99 that I discovered and fell in love with them; it was so soon before Christmas that people had already gotten me N*SYNC and Backstreet Boys crap and I didn't even want it anymore! At this point, the only albums I had were Abbey Road - my mom's copy - and an orchestra cover album. The first Beatles albums I bought were Rubber Soul and Revolver together, June '00, and they really do go together.

10 years ago: I rejected Confirmation at my Catholic school. Bullying had been bad before this, but now all hell broke loose and only one faculty member stood up for me...subtly since she didn't want to lose her job.

10 years ago: I finally got out of that terrible K-8 school and began high school at my beloved Loyola Academy! There was still bullying, of course, but I had friends who were my friends because they WANTED to be rather than stuck as outcasts and the faculty was on our side. High school was really when my life began and that's why I care so much about what happens to Loyola now.

10 years ago: I rejected bullshit. This was really complex and the symptoms of the bullshit were that I wanted rhinoplasty, I wanted to be popular, I followed trends mindlessly, I said that I had a crush on the most popular guy as a last desperate attempt for acceptance, etc. Because of The Beatles, I quit all that. They, more than anyone or anything else, taught me that it's ok to be myself and fuck anyone who doesn't like it.

10 years ago: my birthday this year will be the 10 year mark of no contact with my dad. He's turning 79 in June and I really just want him to DIE ALREADY so I can finally forgive him and move on with my life! I need to wait until he can't come back again (he's periodically sent angry emails) before I can make myself that vulnerable to him.

10 years ago: I came out to myself as bisexual and, over time, that gradually wore down to full-on queer.

5 years ago: I came out as a lesbian! Lol I was such a lipstick lesbian back then...it was ridiculous. My family was so awesome about it and, later, I found out that some people at Alverno had thought before then that I was flaming! I was exuding queer without even trying!

5 years ago: I cut off my looooooooonnnngggg hair. It went down past my waist! At the time, I honestly considered growing it back out...but then I noticed the attention I got from girls and how much easier it was just to make it through the day without this THING I was carrying around.

5 years ago: I got my first tattoo: the red female/Venus symbol on my right hip. Then, especially since I was such a high femme, I considered it a feminist symbol. Which it still is...but now I want a blue male/Mars symbol on my left hip. Feminism isn't solely about femininity, it's about everyone. I might even get a purple question mark in the middle someday lol

5 years ago: I had my first girlfriend, Jackie. God, that was an awkward situation...I'm so glad it's OVER! I'm grateful it happened, though, and that she was my first rather than...another person (if you knew me back then, you know what I'm talking about).

5 years ago: Last but not least, I became friends with Katy and Lauren!! YEAH!!!!!!!!

"shoes make the man"

I'm starting a new job that requires simple, all-black shoes as part of the dress code. The only all-black shoes I had were heeled and I'll never wear those again, so I made a trip to Payless. Fortunately, I fit into children's shoes, which are far cheaper. I bought http://www.payless.com/store/product/detail.jsp?skuId=072507020&productId=66480&subCatId=cat310012&catId=cat10091&lotId=072507&category=&catdisplayName=Boys+

I already own some "men's" shoes but they look androgynous. I wore these news ones to soon-to-be-old-job today and, for the first time, really paid attention to what people wear. I was feeling pretty spiffy, physically and socially comfortable. Then I got into an elevator with a bunch of men who . . . how shall I put it . . . have a very intimidating masculinity? A lot of trans/genderqueer people report feeling like imposters or discomfort-bordering-on-fear in such situations, but I had a hard time empathizing until the elevator experience. Having just finished reading "Nobody Passes" which had essays on this kind of experience, I was reassured that this wasn't unusual. I'm most comfortable in queer/mixed spaces, comfortable in some men's spaces, comfortable in almost all women's spaces, and not comfortable at all in the intimidating men's spaces. I just can't navigate there.

Another topic in "Nobody Passes" was the near-revulsion a lot of trans/genderqueer people experience when they realize that they're read as straight/bi/gay men/women. The idea of being read as a straight/bi/gay man seems so . . . WRONG. As incorrect as being read as a straight woman, but much more foreign. The bi/gay woman appearance is most familiar and the time spent there was healthiest and happiest until I outgrew it.

Being read as just an odd individual with a love for the Beatles is perfect.

Take Control!

Today, the federal court begins going over Prop 8. New Jersey and NY voted down gay marriage, New South Wales in Australia refused to pass gay adoption, and a guy on the train just a few blocks away from me was recently beaten while being called gay and a slew of other slurs. Obama kept one promise by passing the Matthew Shephard Act and one of my coworkers has admitted that he is "extremely homophobic, but only about men" with no reason (but we all know what the reason really is, it's not difficult to figure out).

Apparently, though, saying "that's gay" is more likely to get you called out on and it's cool to have a gay relative/friend/etc. Individual acceptance of individual gay people is on the uprise . . . but it's still a long way up from in the negatives.

As a group, we are still not respected as complete humans. What defines us as a community is what makes us second-class. For the past 6+ years, that has been our strength as well in keeping us together. Those of us in the community can see how diverse we all are, but outsiders, those who don't want us as equals, either can't/won't see that or will use that to divide us.

It's difficult to see where to go from here. Eugene Debs, socialist extraordinaire, said “I cannot do it for you, and I want to be frank enough to say that I would not if I could. For if I could do it for you, somebody else could undo it for you.” We must take our rights, we must take control.

The 00's: a big step, but miles to go

In '99, gay rights were not big news. Middle schoolers and high schoolers were saying "that's gay" to refer to something stupid; GSAs were few and far between. Transgender awareness was unheard of.



Over the past decade, gay marriage has become a regular headline, The L Word and The Logo Network came into being, transgender awareness has begun budding, GSAs are everywhere, celebrities have been coming out left and right, The Matthew Shepherd Act has finally passed, and churches have divided over gay rights (apparently Jesus wanted people to discriminate). Advances have been made . . . and taken away. Promises have been made . . . and broken. The queer movement has gotten so big that it's actually begun dividing. Many queer people, especially younger generations, are not going to sit down and politely ask for teeny tiny rights anymore: the time has come to demand full equality.



Illinois, thank goodness, has made it illegal to discriminate in employment on sexual orientation and gender identity. And, come on, it's CHICAGO. Unfortunately, some of my coworkers - who are generally friendly and sociable with me and who are my age - say "that's gay" both at work and online. Online, I've spoken up and my statement has been deleted. And here I thought that being adults in one of the biggest and most diverse cities meant that this part of me wouldn't be an analogy for stupidity anymore.



Obviously, there is a long way to go before full equality and respect. I don't care what political parties and churches people attend, but I can't tolerate being treated as a second-class citizen.



May the 2010's be a decade of FULL EQUALITY AND RESPECT

The Beatitudes

I'm currently reading _God is Not Great_ by Christopher Hitchens. It's biased against all theists, but is an accurate historical account of nasty things done in the name of religion. One thing isn't mentioned in the entire 300 pages, the very thing that the majority of Christian organizations ignore, and what Jesus of the book of Matthew taught to the masses: THE BEATITUDES. I suppose Hitchens can be forgiven for excluding them because the very organizations he bemoans tend to forget that they exist as well.

The Beatitudes are only mentioned in the Gospel of Matthew (5:3). Jesus proclaimed them to the masses of Galilee while healing the sick and all that good stuff. According to my copy of the Bible, the "New International Version" originally published in 1973, they are thus:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

When you read these, it makes sense that most Christian organizations ignore them..so that they won't have to follow them. I'm talking about Westboro Baptist Church, Pat Robertson, Billy Graham, Jerry Fallwell, all the Catholic churches that passed out a SECOND collection basket to fund anti-gay marriage commercials, etc.

Obviously, queer people aren't the only mourners, the only people hungry for righteousness and the only ones persecuted. I'd like to say that all queer people are merciful peacemakers who are pure of heart, but that's not the case of any group of people. And we shouldn't have to wait for the pie in the sky when we die. In general, the people who need the Beatitudes the most are those who experience them the least.

Is it really too much to ask for people to actually pay attention to the words allegedly spoken by the person they worship? I don't care what people personally and privately believe and I respect and admire people who practice what they preach (compassion), but it is loathsome to proclaim your faith in something against which you viciously act.

Education

As you probably know by now, Maine has illegalized same-sex marriage. Every state that has put the issue to a popular vote has failed despite promising polls.

The most recent issue of Chicago's Free Press, one of our LGBTQ newspapers, has an article on this phenomena. They cite the notoriously stupid commercials that claim that, upon legalizing gay marriage, the state will require schools to teach children about gay marriage. Firstly, how is that a bad thing? Gay marriage = gay sex just like how straight marriage = straight sex. Secondly, as long as the students pass standardized tests, the government doesn't give a shit about schools. Thirdly, are people really that naive? The organizations (American Family Insitute, for one) are obviously biased and here I thought it was common knowledge not to believe everything you see on tv. Apparently that rule is suspended when children are allegedly in danger and, apparently, parents are unable to control anything!

Free Press ran a great article on that, but ended by stating that it was fortunate that, in states that have passed domestic partnerships and the like, pro-equality voters won out over rural areas. Alright, it may be true that the rural areas of most states are more conservative than the urban areas. It should not be considered fortunate, though, that "we" beat "them," who usually just aren't exposed to queer people. Education should be the goal, not a battle. A lot of "rural people" will vote for the expansion of rights and the like when they know who they're voting about.

In short: EDUCATION IS WORTH THE TIME AND EFFORT!!!!

"FT?"

I've been doing a lot of thinking, reading, discussing, journaling, etc. lately. What it all comes down to are a few things:

- as discussed on Queeries.ning.com, one of the most difficult things going on is reconciling a feminine-childhood with a queer-adulthood. This being the case, there has been a definite "womyn-identified-womyn" period in my life.

- that period is over. I might go back to it later in life, but it's not happening now. That does not mean at all that I identify as a man: I definitely don't.

- any labels/categories/etc. feel constricting. "Androgyne," "genderqueer," etc. just don't quite seem to cover what I've got going on. Only the biggest umbrellas of "queer" and "transgender" are big enough to cover me. I used to think that people who claim that they don't like labels were kinda wishy-washy, but now I'm among them. Sorry, guys.

- I feel like I'm not "arrived" yet. I don't know where I'm going, how long I'll stay there, etc. but I know that I'm en route.

Taking in these points, I have the "F" and the "t" and then just a "?". Female-to-? I think that is the most accurate label when I have to use one. I'm not actively transitioning, I'm happy with who I am and change is naturally happening in my life anyway. When I do and what I want are just what I do/want naturally and not toward any specific point.

Queer Lingo 101

I'm the only queer person in my super-awesome family. My relatives are secure in their sexualities, the men in touch with their feminine sides and the women in touch with their masculine sides, but nobody is out of the closet other than me. Coming out to them was a great experience with plenty of bear-hugs and I'm happily accepted. Parts of family have met two of my girlfriends and readily welcomed them, then comforted me when those relationships ended.

There is a clear distinction, though, between my biological family and my queer family (not just because they don't date each other lol). I get the feeling that some relatives want to ask me questions, but either don't know the language to use, are afraid of offending me, or both. I could never say something like this and have it be understood:

"When my boifriend got back from picking up ze's next dosage of T, ze said that ze's company picnic is coming up. Ze wants me to femme it up and be ze's beard."

My BFF4EVER, straight and cisgendered, has suggested that I teach Queer Lingo 101. Before I came out, some of my family places bets on whether my only other unmarried relative of age or I would get married first*. When I came out, I think that marriage became one of those questions nobody knew how/whether to ask. I don't want to get married but I do want to throw a big party for my family - maybe this class could be it lol!!


* Footnote: there are many unmarried people, especially women, in my family. It's considered entirely optional. And I'm aware that I may think differently of marriage years from now.

"That's Gay"

Tonight, my significant other and I went to a pool hall. We were the only flaming people, the only visible females, and the only white people playing. The table beside ours was played by three guys who joked around with us a little. All of us mutually shared the space with comofort.

They were loudly laughing and sharing stories with each other. Some words we overheard were, "gay," "fag," and "cunt." My s.o. and I hold hands and exchange pecks in public, so these guys knew that we're dykes. None of them snuck looks at us to judge our reactions or said anything like, "Hey man, that's not cool." I concluded that these were just some cool guys who don't know any better. It mattered more that they were respectful of us as neighbors than that they monitor their word choices, although it's still disappointing that such terms are used in such ways. It's no different than racist or anti-Semitic slurs.

Were we in a situation that would involve more regular contact and actual introductions, I would have talked to them about it. Just a simple, non-threatening, "Hey man, that's not cool." Chances are that nobody had said anything to them about it before!