Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Galena, IL and Sexual Fantasies

A native Chicagoan, I’ve been taking trips to Galena IL my entire life.  It’s a gorgeous rural territory, rolling hills with elegant cottages and very few people.  I came here with either parent at least once a year until Feb 2007, my last visit.  Life (monogamous relationships in which selfless maintenance took place of self-love) just got in the way.  The birthdays of my lover and I, though, are very close to each other and as we now live 200 miles apart, we agreed to come/cum here..

As a child, I was a near-constant daydreamer.  Inner fantasies kept me going and 99% of them took place in Galena.  This wasn’t an intentional decision, my mind just settled here.  Upon puberty, my daydreams became more erotic.  Most of my imaginary stories involved overly dramatic, highly romantic sexcapades there.  I figured that these would someday become my honeymoon, as I’d certainly keep myself clean until marriage XP

And now I’m actually having my Galena sex vacation.  The resort doesn’t ooze seduction, but the relaxing atmosphere and utter seclusion welcome it.  And our cottage has a jacuzzi!  This actual sex vacation doesn’t line up at all with my adolescent daydreams, mostly because there’s no interest in marriage and we don’t look like actors in early 90’s music videos (think Total Eclipse of the Heart and I Would Do Anything For Love).  Fantasies, not just a teenager’s, rarely involve emergency runs to the general store or watching South Park when you’re exhausted from sex or wet willy wars - unless you’re into that kind of thing.  Those imagined stories wouldn’t be as great in real life anyway, as it’s much more romantic to imagine someone who would do anything only for your smile/orgasm than to actually deal with such a person in real life.  Fantasy serves its purpose, arguably because it’s unrealistic, but this trip has been absolutely incredible even with reality :)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Painting Consistency

Summer '98, I picked up the paintbrush and acrylics that had been in my mother's storage for decades and just started painting. No prompts, no education, I just began painting. That's the only consistent thing between my life then and now.

My goal, until late college, was to marry and have children.  As a 12 year old in an extremist parish, it was expected that I would marry within six years and then have a baby less than two years after that.  Travel, feminism, higher education, writing, etc. didn't fit into any of that.  If I could tell my self fourteen years ago about my life now, she would be terribly disappointed and shocked at my independence.  It took breaking ties with unhealthy, abusive people to understand personal control, self-reliance and self-love.
Painting would be the only thing of my life now that would please my 12 year old self.  It all started with random experimentation.  I found that I was able to communicate things that can't be put into words, though my reading and writing were already at a 12th grade level.  And I did it for myself.  Kept alone indoors whenever I wasn't in school, this was a way of making my inner world come alive.  That hasn't changed, though it's a way of communicating with both others and myself rather than primarily as a means of self-soothing escape.  My 12 year old self would be thrilled that I have a bachelor's in art and that I create almost daily.

My second painting, a mural in my bedroom.  No prompting, no reference, I came up with this completely on my own:
wall mural

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


Milwaukeean originally from Chicago, I'm very interested in moving to Albuquerque next year.  Milwaukee's population size is perfect for me, and it's almost the same as Abq's.  Low rent on studio apts, good job availability (I'm fine with starting off at a call center until I get more settled), bike friendly and queer friendliness are my priorities.  I understand that Abq has terrible drivers, gangs, drugs and a high crime rate...but I've lived 22 years in Chicago.  Any advice?

Thursday, October 4, 2012


In 11 days I'll turn 27.  Despite certain bullshit, the mid 20's aren't that bad.  Right after college, everything was awkward and terrible.  College drops you right on your ass and you're supposed to be an adult now but you have no money and you don't know what you're doing without some kind of set framework - it sucks.  Then things calm down and you can party and figure out what your actual options are.

When I was a kid, I was led to believe that I'd marry before 20, preferably at 16.  Once I reached 14 and 15 and not only had no suitors come along, but also my peers told me that I was so ugly that the only way anyone would have sex with me was through rape (they didn't know that this was actually happening at the time).  I was distraught, thinking that I was unlovable and had failed my authorities by not fulfilling their mandates.

Once I figured out that marrying by 16 is usually a horrible idea and that my education came first, I set my goal to 28 for both marriage and parenthood.  My mother was heartbroken.  I'd find a monogamous partner, we'd have fun and explore the world, we'd gradually intertwine our lives codependently, then we'd marry and have kids.  After a few attempts at this, it finally dawned on me that monogamy is not for me and codependency nauseates me.  Marriage and parenthood hold no appeal.

Although I shed all age-related goals and my personal wants have changed dramatically - they may again, who knows - that marker of 28 still holds significance.  It was an arbitrary choice: I watched Friends and thought it was what normal young adult life was like and they were all around 28, right?  Nevertheless, onwards to another year of adventure!