A year has passed since I graduated from Alverno College.
...this is it?
I have managed to accomplish a few goals in the year:
1) I moved to Chicago
2) I had an art show
3) I got a kitty
4) I got a fulltime job with benefits
5) I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do within the next 5-10 years (travel to do artist-in-residency programs in State and National Parks, get my masters at the School of the Art Institute)
6) I set boundaries with my mother regarding our difficult relationship
I've also managed to get into a great relationship with Captain Awesome, make two very necessary (but still painful) friend-breakups, start volunteering at a kitty shelter, and move TWICE within a year.
Now that I write this all down, it does seem like a lot... But when I was in school, especially the last three semesters that were so difficult, I thought and felt that the only thing that kept me from tackling the world was school. I could have been taking road trips, wrestling bears and punching capitalism in the face were it not for class, assessments and the tyranny of Burnie, Zilske, Lamers and the financial aid office. In my post-undergrad life, my insane amount of debt is holding me back. Were it not for all this bullshit, I'd be in southern Utah right now!!
The first six months were blissful...especially after I finally moved back to Chicago. And then everything came crashing down while I was waging a desperate job search. Now I'm stuck working retail, have lost most of my friends after a failure of a housewarming party (yes, that still hurts. A lot), and have basically lost hope in catching the eye of art galleries.
A message to everyone who's graduation right now: LOWER YOUR STANDARDS
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Word
I'm currently reading Looking For Alaska by John Green http://www.amazon.com/Looking-Alaska-Paperback-Green-John/dp/B00144R62Q/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273553488&sr=8-3 and it, like his other FANTASTIC books, is about a geeky high schooler. He's taking a World Religions course and the fossil of a teacher assigns the class to write its final paper on what the post important question is.
Up until reading Lamb by Christopher Moore http://www.amazon.com/Lamb-Gospel-According-Christs-Childhood/dp/0380813815/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273553596&sr=1-1 I dunno what I would have considered to be the most important question.
Growing up super-Catholic, "The Word of God," "The Word made flesh" and other references to "The Word" were frequently said in mass, class, prayer, educational films, etc. I understood nothing in kindergarten, "The Word" didn't stand out. I paid little attention as I grew up since thinking about things over which you have no authority is sinful. When I finally rebelled, I didn't think about anything except for emptying my head of that brainwashing. Years later, when I returned to the pile of brain-guck I had scooped out, I didn't understand "The Word" any more than as a child.
In Lamb, Jesus is told that what the Hebrew people needed was the Word of God. They were poor, struggling, had no control over their own lives, and their political activists were getting publicly slain. Moses, Elijah and other prophets had heard and delivered the Word of God in bad times before. Jesus needed to BE the Word for them now. He needed to be the manifestation of the Word of God in order to lead them.
In this way, human beings ARE our most important question. We are the question of time, will, adaptation, creativity, destruction, society, etc. manifest and we are also the answer.
Sometimes I miss school (certain classes) because you don't often encounter questions like these with the will to answer them otherwise...except for blog geeks like me. Thanks, John and Christopher!
Up until reading Lamb by Christopher Moore http://www.amazon.com/Lamb-Gospel-According-Christs-Childhood/dp/0380813815/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273553596&sr=1-1 I dunno what I would have considered to be the most important question.
Growing up super-Catholic, "The Word of God," "The Word made flesh" and other references to "The Word" were frequently said in mass, class, prayer, educational films, etc. I understood nothing in kindergarten, "The Word" didn't stand out. I paid little attention as I grew up since thinking about things over which you have no authority is sinful. When I finally rebelled, I didn't think about anything except for emptying my head of that brainwashing. Years later, when I returned to the pile of brain-guck I had scooped out, I didn't understand "The Word" any more than as a child.
In Lamb, Jesus is told that what the Hebrew people needed was the Word of God. They were poor, struggling, had no control over their own lives, and their political activists were getting publicly slain. Moses, Elijah and other prophets had heard and delivered the Word of God in bad times before. Jesus needed to BE the Word for them now. He needed to be the manifestation of the Word of God in order to lead them.
In this way, human beings ARE our most important question. We are the question of time, will, adaptation, creativity, destruction, society, etc. manifest and we are also the answer.
Sometimes I miss school (certain classes) because you don't often encounter questions like these with the will to answer them otherwise...except for blog geeks like me. Thanks, John and Christopher!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Attraction Terms
The terms "homosexuality," "heterosexuality," and "bisexuality" really don't apply to reality. A vast amount of people have some kind of "same-sex" sexual experience - whether it be actual sex or a crush or a fantasy - and still function as "straight." These terms really only work for the people who use them to malign people. A "same-sex" experience works like the "one-drop rule" of race: just once is enough to change how you're treated.
Apart from the Kinsey-esque proportioning of sexual experience in humans is the difference between genitalia and functioning. When you pass people on the street, you probably have no idea what genitals they have, what chromosomes they have, etc. You probably don't even know your own chromosomes! And you don't know with whom they have sex, about whom they're thinking when they have sex, etc. Biology and actual sex have nothing to do with anything...until you're caught at it.
What really matters, more than biology and more than one's sexual experiences, is how one functions in reality. A masculine, woman-identified female functions very differently from a feminine intersexed person who passes as a woman. And how could you possibly ascribe "homo-", "hetero-" or "bisexual" to either of those people? "Man" and "woman", "male" and "female" not only leave out people who don't fit into those two categories, but they also exclude more finite ways of being that affect people in more significant ways.
Just three terms aren't enough to cover everyone...but the government, military, religious institutions, advertising agencies, and many others in positions of power use those three terms - if we're lucky - and two terms of sex/gender. In reality, these terms mean very little. Hell, the handkerchief-flagging system is more efficient than check-boxes!
Apart from the Kinsey-esque proportioning of sexual experience in humans is the difference between genitalia and functioning. When you pass people on the street, you probably have no idea what genitals they have, what chromosomes they have, etc. You probably don't even know your own chromosomes! And you don't know with whom they have sex, about whom they're thinking when they have sex, etc. Biology and actual sex have nothing to do with anything...until you're caught at it.
What really matters, more than biology and more than one's sexual experiences, is how one functions in reality. A masculine, woman-identified female functions very differently from a feminine intersexed person who passes as a woman. And how could you possibly ascribe "homo-", "hetero-" or "bisexual" to either of those people? "Man" and "woman", "male" and "female" not only leave out people who don't fit into those two categories, but they also exclude more finite ways of being that affect people in more significant ways.
Just three terms aren't enough to cover everyone...but the government, military, religious institutions, advertising agencies, and many others in positions of power use those three terms - if we're lucky - and two terms of sex/gender. In reality, these terms mean very little. Hell, the handkerchief-flagging system is more efficient than check-boxes!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Gay Identity
I've been thinking a lot lately about gay/bi identity. In growing circles, especially upper-middle, post-mainline-Protestant/liberal-Catholic, semi-liberal ones, there is no gay identity. There's no need to come out, you can bring home anyone (provided they're in somewhat the same parameters as you) and there won't be an issue. In these safe, white-bread circles, there's no need for queer activism because homophobia is not known...except for the state/federal level.
The safety and acceptance is wonderful, but there is no gay/bi identity. I've known a small handful of people in situations like these - one of them took me a few months to wrap my mind around - and they have a really ard time relating to the queer community because they lack or even decline the identity. The thing with these social groups is that everyone is so "straight-acting"; gender variance is Other.
These groups are a lot like the HRC: the safety and acceptance are exclusive no matter how much they pretty it up. They don't see homosexuality and bisexuality as gender-related issues (Riki Wilchins says the exact opposite. I think it depends on the situation) so, if you step outside the liberal-by-comparison gender roles, that welcome is withdrawn. Queerness is held at arm's length or further, nonconfrontational gayness and bi-ness are fine. This is where the gay and bi identities wear away to no identity and leave gender-variant people out in the cold.
The thing is, the government, powerful religious groups, renters, employers, schools, etc. and violent people in general equate all non-breeders with each other no matter how "straight-acting you are." They care about the doing, not the being. The less gender-variant you are, granted, the less likely you'll experience discrimination and harassment. On a government level, though, we're all fucked.
Unfortunately, for a lot ofp eople and institutions, gay/bi identity exists because we are oppressed. Without oppression, our actions and behavior would be considered "normal" so the safety, symbols, empowerment, etc. would not be considered necessary. I honestly don't believe that I would have Pride or even the identity had I come into an accepting environment - it just wouldn't occur to me. I do love my Pride and queer identity!! Not because I'm oppressed but because I love the community, culture, freedom, etc.
Take away the oppression, discrimination, harassment, raised eyebrows, closet, etc. and gayness/bi-ness becomes normal. When it's normal, there's no identity. This is a long loooonnnng way away...but it may happen. I hope that Pride won't wear away with it.
The safety and acceptance is wonderful, but there is no gay/bi identity. I've known a small handful of people in situations like these - one of them took me a few months to wrap my mind around - and they have a really ard time relating to the queer community because they lack or even decline the identity. The thing with these social groups is that everyone is so "straight-acting"; gender variance is Other.
These groups are a lot like the HRC: the safety and acceptance are exclusive no matter how much they pretty it up. They don't see homosexuality and bisexuality as gender-related issues (Riki Wilchins says the exact opposite. I think it depends on the situation) so, if you step outside the liberal-by-comparison gender roles, that welcome is withdrawn. Queerness is held at arm's length or further, nonconfrontational gayness and bi-ness are fine. This is where the gay and bi identities wear away to no identity and leave gender-variant people out in the cold.
The thing is, the government, powerful religious groups, renters, employers, schools, etc. and violent people in general equate all non-breeders with each other no matter how "straight-acting you are." They care about the doing, not the being. The less gender-variant you are, granted, the less likely you'll experience discrimination and harassment. On a government level, though, we're all fucked.
Unfortunately, for a lot ofp eople and institutions, gay/bi identity exists because we are oppressed. Without oppression, our actions and behavior would be considered "normal" so the safety, symbols, empowerment, etc. would not be considered necessary. I honestly don't believe that I would have Pride or even the identity had I come into an accepting environment - it just wouldn't occur to me. I do love my Pride and queer identity!! Not because I'm oppressed but because I love the community, culture, freedom, etc.
Take away the oppression, discrimination, harassment, raised eyebrows, closet, etc. and gayness/bi-ness becomes normal. When it's normal, there's no identity. This is a long loooonnnng way away...but it may happen. I hope that Pride won't wear away with it.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sexist Customers
I'm working in a bookstore in a big, popular airport. As the weather has warmed up, a certain kind of customer has increased in frequency and insanity. He's always a masculine straight man, usually between 35 and 60 and upper-middle to upper class. Usually a businessman, white or European.
Most of my men coworkers are either flaming, laid-back or both. The more macho my coworker, the more often this happens: I ask a customer if he needs help finding anything, if he's looking for anything, how he's doing, etc. and the customer ignores me to ask my coworker his question. The first few times this happened, I thought I was just imagining things or noticing only when this happened. But then it became a regular occurrence and one customer even said "I'm going to go ask the computer guy my question" when my coworker was not at the computer!! This is insulting, apparently I'm less capable than my macho coworker despite my initiative.
And no matter with whom I'm working, if anyone, this same kind of customer (sometimes the very same person) flirts with me. Usually this is a leery smirk with a wink, calling me "honey" or "dear" or "sweetheart." Sometimes I get a pat on the shoulder... and one guy even said "you're too young to be a 'ma'am'!" WTF?!? Whenever any of this behavior happens, I basically withdraw and just perform the basic necessities of my work. What makes these guys think I - no matter how flaming I am that day - would want this attention is beyond me. Sometimes this flirting happens while another customer is trying to figure out what gender I am!
Many times, I want to say something and confront the asshole. This is customer service, though, and it would reflect terribly on me if a complaint was made to management or corporate. You can't really kill a lecher with kindness, the policy of dealing with angry people, and I've managed to show up some of the customers who assume I don't know anything to help them. I really don't know what to do about either of these habits.
Most of my men coworkers are either flaming, laid-back or both. The more macho my coworker, the more often this happens: I ask a customer if he needs help finding anything, if he's looking for anything, how he's doing, etc. and the customer ignores me to ask my coworker his question. The first few times this happened, I thought I was just imagining things or noticing only when this happened. But then it became a regular occurrence and one customer even said "I'm going to go ask the computer guy my question" when my coworker was not at the computer!! This is insulting, apparently I'm less capable than my macho coworker despite my initiative.
And no matter with whom I'm working, if anyone, this same kind of customer (sometimes the very same person) flirts with me. Usually this is a leery smirk with a wink, calling me "honey" or "dear" or "sweetheart." Sometimes I get a pat on the shoulder... and one guy even said "you're too young to be a 'ma'am'!" WTF?!? Whenever any of this behavior happens, I basically withdraw and just perform the basic necessities of my work. What makes these guys think I - no matter how flaming I am that day - would want this attention is beyond me. Sometimes this flirting happens while another customer is trying to figure out what gender I am!
Many times, I want to say something and confront the asshole. This is customer service, though, and it would reflect terribly on me if a complaint was made to management or corporate. You can't really kill a lecher with kindness, the policy of dealing with angry people, and I've managed to show up some of the customers who assume I don't know anything to help them. I really don't know what to do about either of these habits.
Monday, April 26, 2010
The Approach
There is a true joke that, in the recent history of the Catholic-vs-Protestant struggles in Ireland, an atheist was stopped at a street blockade. He was asked to identify himself as either a Catholic or a Protestant. He said he was an atheist. After a pause, the guard asked "a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist?"
While being amusing (and sad...really...Ireland's history is so fucked up) and a true incident, there is an interesting aspect to this joke. Where we come from contributes so much to who we are today and where we're going. An atheist who was raised Catholic would emphasize different thing than a Protest-atheist or a Hindu-atheist.
I believe that thinking in this same way in relation to gender should be discussed more. So far, the only time I've heard/read this line of thinking in relation to gender happen only at the Womyn's Music Festival "you're transgendered, I knew that I felt MALE ENERGY emanating from you!" The politics of that bullshit aside, there is something to that "male energy" that hasn't been explored (to my knowledge) probably because it reeks of stupidity so much.
One's gender, expression, etc. says a lot about one's background. An Earth Mother-type feminine person probably has a different history than a dominatrix-type feminine person and so on. It's not an "energy" but more of a way a person emphasizes different aspects. And that says a lot about one's background.
I've noticed that, maybe 70% of the time, I'm attracted to androgynous people with a feminine (imposed by oneself, by others, or just natural) background; this is probably because it lines up with my imposed-feminine background that leads to my androgynous exploration today. In some ways, the approach is more significant than the effect.
I hope to see/hear/read this kind of discussion sometime in the future in queer circles...even if I'm the one to instigate it.
While being amusing (and sad...really...Ireland's history is so fucked up) and a true incident, there is an interesting aspect to this joke. Where we come from contributes so much to who we are today and where we're going. An atheist who was raised Catholic would emphasize different thing than a Protest-atheist or a Hindu-atheist.
I believe that thinking in this same way in relation to gender should be discussed more. So far, the only time I've heard/read this line of thinking in relation to gender happen only at the Womyn's Music Festival "you're transgendered, I knew that I felt MALE ENERGY emanating from you!" The politics of that bullshit aside, there is something to that "male energy" that hasn't been explored (to my knowledge) probably because it reeks of stupidity so much.
One's gender, expression, etc. says a lot about one's background. An Earth Mother-type feminine person probably has a different history than a dominatrix-type feminine person and so on. It's not an "energy" but more of a way a person emphasizes different aspects. And that says a lot about one's background.
I've noticed that, maybe 70% of the time, I'm attracted to androgynous people with a feminine (imposed by oneself, by others, or just natural) background; this is probably because it lines up with my imposed-feminine background that leads to my androgynous exploration today. In some ways, the approach is more significant than the effect.
I hope to see/hear/read this kind of discussion sometime in the future in queer circles...even if I'm the one to instigate it.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
FLORIDA!!
Yes I know it's been a couple weeks since I was in Florida...
Kelly and I flew to Sarasota and there were crying babies everywhere. Moral: if your kids are old enough to be entertained, bring stuff to keep them entertained! If they aren't old enough...they probably shouldn't be flying without drugs. Anyway, we arrived at Sarasota Wednesday night, rented a PT Cruiser and drove south to Englewood. The Florida air was so refreshing, we kept the windows down during most of the 45 minute drive so we could soak it up. The place where we stayed was pretty much perfect, too.
Thursday, we went to Manasota Beach and the water was COLD!! We did a lot of combing for seashells and we found these weird little bug-like things living among them. They were like pill-bugs, only lived in the water and had smooth exoskeletons. Finally getting to a beach, particularly a tropical beach, was so relaxing. While exploring a nearby river-dock, we saw HUGE pelicans and a tiny little lizard.
Friday morning was rainy and grey; the locals said "oh it's too bad you had to be here during such nasty weather." We just replied "a bad day in Florida is a good day in Chicago!!" And it was true! We drove to the Mote Aquarium, on a key off Sarasota, and the weather cleared up by the time we got there. That aquarium was really cool with an area for petting stingrays and everything! We checked out the bird sanctuary nextdoor and the area for larger sea life (dolphins, sea turtles, MANATEES which I had never seen before).
On our way back to Englewood, we stopped at a rookery. I'm fascinated by ciconiiformes so I absolutely loved getting to watch herons, egrets, etc. Two wild great herons got really close to us at the bird sanctuary while stealing the food of their caged counterparts. Sneaky birdies!!
That night, we had FANTASTIC seafood! OMNOMNOMNOM shrimp and crab legs!! I hadn't had crab legs in 14+ years and I didn't like them then; I'm so glad I waited for here to try them again SO GOOD!!
Saturday, we went to another beach - Blind Pass? It was warmer with bigger waves here, so I got some bodysurfing done. Bodysurfing: all the benefits of swimming with half the work. There weren't little bug-things here, it was probably too busy/warm/wavey. While driving around after the beach, I saw a wild alligator sunning itself on someone's front lawn!!
We returned on Sunday, a rainy and dreary day, which helped. On the drive to the airport, I saw a whooping crane! Those things are soooo rare, it was awesome!
There were comparatively few tourists where we were and almost no drunk frat guys, so that was fantastic. While driving to/from/around the city of Sarasota, I noticed something I wasn't expecting. Here in the Midwest, especially in Milwaukee and Chicago, there's a strong German influence with some Scandinavian, Celtic and Eastern European. Sarasota and the surrounding area is much more Venetian and Spanish; it wasn't until being in such an area that I realized how much I took for granted as far as cultural background - particularly because I'm German + Celtic + Scandinavian. That was a fascinating change...proving yet again what a nerd I am.
A big thank-you to Kelly's grandparents for everything!!
Kelly and I flew to Sarasota and there were crying babies everywhere. Moral: if your kids are old enough to be entertained, bring stuff to keep them entertained! If they aren't old enough...they probably shouldn't be flying without drugs. Anyway, we arrived at Sarasota Wednesday night, rented a PT Cruiser and drove south to Englewood. The Florida air was so refreshing, we kept the windows down during most of the 45 minute drive so we could soak it up. The place where we stayed was pretty much perfect, too.
Thursday, we went to Manasota Beach and the water was COLD!! We did a lot of combing for seashells and we found these weird little bug-like things living among them. They were like pill-bugs, only lived in the water and had smooth exoskeletons. Finally getting to a beach, particularly a tropical beach, was so relaxing. While exploring a nearby river-dock, we saw HUGE pelicans and a tiny little lizard.
Friday morning was rainy and grey; the locals said "oh it's too bad you had to be here during such nasty weather." We just replied "a bad day in Florida is a good day in Chicago!!" And it was true! We drove to the Mote Aquarium, on a key off Sarasota, and the weather cleared up by the time we got there. That aquarium was really cool with an area for petting stingrays and everything! We checked out the bird sanctuary nextdoor and the area for larger sea life (dolphins, sea turtles, MANATEES which I had never seen before).
On our way back to Englewood, we stopped at a rookery. I'm fascinated by ciconiiformes so I absolutely loved getting to watch herons, egrets, etc. Two wild great herons got really close to us at the bird sanctuary while stealing the food of their caged counterparts. Sneaky birdies!!
That night, we had FANTASTIC seafood! OMNOMNOMNOM shrimp and crab legs!! I hadn't had crab legs in 14+ years and I didn't like them then; I'm so glad I waited for here to try them again SO GOOD!!
Saturday, we went to another beach - Blind Pass? It was warmer with bigger waves here, so I got some bodysurfing done. Bodysurfing: all the benefits of swimming with half the work. There weren't little bug-things here, it was probably too busy/warm/wavey. While driving around after the beach, I saw a wild alligator sunning itself on someone's front lawn!!
We returned on Sunday, a rainy and dreary day, which helped. On the drive to the airport, I saw a whooping crane! Those things are soooo rare, it was awesome!
There were comparatively few tourists where we were and almost no drunk frat guys, so that was fantastic. While driving to/from/around the city of Sarasota, I noticed something I wasn't expecting. Here in the Midwest, especially in Milwaukee and Chicago, there's a strong German influence with some Scandinavian, Celtic and Eastern European. Sarasota and the surrounding area is much more Venetian and Spanish; it wasn't until being in such an area that I realized how much I took for granted as far as cultural background - particularly because I'm German + Celtic + Scandinavian. That was a fascinating change...proving yet again what a nerd I am.
A big thank-you to Kelly's grandparents for everything!!
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